October 31, 2008
You ever wake up randomly vexed about something that you should have just moved on from? Something you should just let drop, but can't or won't? Today I'm vexed again about the fact that I never see Thorne in a juicy story on B&B. I know I'm just howling at the wind at this point, but I really wish B&B would remember Thorne and put him in action again. This year the bear and the cobra have had meatier scenes than Winsor Harmon. Remember way back in 1912 when he was battling with the Forresters over his place in the family? I bought that story. I loved that story. I still want to see that story. Sigh. Well, I know that this gripe is totally in vain, but I like to bring it up once or twice a year just as a matter of principle. Just to be a pest. Just to be an, um, thorn in the side of the writers. Now that I've got that out of my system, I'll just let you all go back to your Thorne-less day.

October 22, 2008
I'm a dog nut. I was delighted when DAYS's Nicole answered the door with her haughty pooch, Pookie, in her arms last week. And that dog looks an awful lot like my Jazz, the imperious little cur who graciously shares her home with me, so I think I've got just the canine to play Pookie's evil twin. OLTL just tickled me with the kidnapping of Tina's pup, David Vickers. First, she received a photo of the dog posing with The Intruder, to prove that the dog is still alive (just like in all the '70s TV cop shows). Then, she got pictures on her PDA of D.V. blindfolded. Blindfolded! As if David Vickers might have to point a paw at Cain in a police lineup. As far as I'm concerned, scenes like this are doggone perfect.

October 17, 2008
What on earth is GL doing with Grady? I guess I'm supposed to think he's brooding and tormented, but I just find the character clichéd and increasingly icky. We've already got Cyrus as the Aussie bad boy, so why we have to double up on that is beyond me. I was watching the scenes this morning where Cyrus was so conflicted about kidnapping Lizzie that he had to call up Daisy to hear her talk about chicken tenders. I am not making this up. It was the very definition of cringeworthy. I hope this hot mess of a storyline is cleaned up as quickly and painlessly as possible.

October 10, 2008
I got a kick out of B&B's Taylor pointing out to Brooke today that maybe she's against her relationship with Rick is because he's the one man that Brooke can't steal from her (since he's Brooke's own son). Given her scandalous history, Brooke really does have some nerve offering anyone romantic advice or making judgments. I do wish that the soap had spent more time on Rick and Taylor's relationship because her desire to get Ridge back would have had a lot more impact that way, especially since Rick and Ridge are enemies now. But I'm pleased to see the Brooke/Taylor rivalry kicking up again. B&B did the right thing to put it to rest for a while because it was getting old, but they put that relationship on the back burner just long enough to make me miss it.

September 30, 2008
I can't believe that the most chic woman in crime-plagued Port Charles made such a fatal fashion faux pas on the biggest day of her life. I'm talking about Kate's elegant, feminine, soft white wedding gown. How could she think that she could just float down the aisle to the classic strains of Ave Maria and not end up with a bloody slow-mo aftermath? And standing next to Sonny in such a lovely gown is simply suicidal. Sam was wearing a flirty, white party dress when she got shot in the back while in Jason's arms. Emily looked like a fairy-tale princess in her snow white ball gown, shortly before she was strangled to death. Frankly, women in Port Chuck have no business even toying with pastels and ultra-feminine fabrics. Robin was in a little pink dress when she was hurt in an explosion. And Lilly Melgar was wearing a soft shade when she met her maker in another explosion. My favorite character, Diane, plays it smart. You never see her fluttering about in chiffon or organza or something that requires you to gracefully collapse into the hero's arms. Girlfriend sticks to dark, tailored menswear. I'd imagine that a vampy red dress or sassy geometric print is also a fairly safe bet. We'll see how that works out for Claudia and Maxie. If Kate pulls through, she'd better have her style mag Crimson run an article advising ladies against tragedy-tempting fashions because Port Charles takes the phrase "dressed to kill" literally.

September 19, 2008
I was sad to hear that Roscoe Born (Trent) is leaving DAYS. He's one of my favorite soap-hoppers, I've loved watching him in just about every role I've seen him in, especially when he plays someone very bad which he excels at. I really enjoyed creepy Trent Robbins's run in Salem and would like to have seen more of his interaction with the missus, Nicole and his son, Max. Oh, well.... And when you're as shady as Trent, you're bound to end up six-feet under, so I'm not surprised — and neither is Born, as you'll see in the new Digest. Well, I'm looking forward to the actor's next daytime role. B&B could use a new "Big Bad," maybe he can put down roots in L.A. for a while and terrorize the Forresters.

September 8, 2008
Yes, yes, I know I'm not the first to say this, but dear God, the Todd and Marty let's-run-away-together scenes on OLTL are freaking me out! You know, this would be so touching if I could get past him leading a frat-house gang rape where she was held down by three men with a sock or whatever it was stuffed into her mouth. We know that soaps play fast and loose with issues of rape and have a tendency to creepily romanticize it, but the graphic Marty rape was no shades-of-gray, bodice-ripping ravishment. It was horrific and violent and brilliantly executed. But watching Todd tend to the amnesiac and talk of running off with her is just too disturbing for words. The rape was so realistically portrayed that I still look at Marty like a real rape victim, so seeing her get cozy with the man who tormented her is just eerie. On the other hand, I CANNOT STOP WATCHING them. I can't back up that moral outrage enough to turn the station. I'm just so curious about where this is going that even though I groan and shudder, I still don't want to miss it.

September 2, 2008
I was amused to discover that B&B planned to have an episode with Donna being threatened by a bear, so it was with great enthusiasm that I tuned into last Friday's episode. I was certainly not disappointed. I think Jennifer Gareis displays a real comedic bent; when Donna is thrown into these absurd situations (like the time she was trapped in the spray-tan booth), the actress plays it totally straight. It may look like unintentional humor, but I'm certain that Gareis is totally in on the joke. Of course, honcho Brad Bell gave Gareis has a real gift with the wonderful Alley Mills playing her foil, the demented Pamela. All those years watching her as retro suburban mom Norma on the THE WONDER YEARS, it would never occur to me to cast Mills as a violent, sadistic nutter. (And I mean violent, sadistic nutter in the best possible way.) I just wish I could have sat in on the meeting when the writers outlined having Pam empty a bunch of honey bear bottles on a bound Donna to stage a freak accident. Freak is the right word. Aside from the nectar humor, B&B neatly explained Eric's poisoning and concluded the whodunit before it went on too long. We know that Pam's not wrapped too tight, obsessed with her former brother-in-law and it was explained that she stopped taking her meds, so it makes sense that she was behind the near-fatality. And despite it all, Pam is still sympathetic. She's not evil, just crazy. And it was sort of touching when she whimpered about how she was unable to protect Stephanie from their abusive father, so this was her way of taking care of her sister now — offing the woman who "stole" Eric away. After all the sticky shenanigans came to an end, Owen and Donna started to get it on, which was the perfect moment to see her comatose husband's eyes flutter open. If you have a fondness for farcical humor, I hope you got to see the scenes. If you didn't let's hope that Joel McHale will have a clip on THE SOUP on E! this Friday night.