December 24, 2008
Santa came early this year in my house! On a snowy day last week, the cable gods bestowed upon us a satellite dish at an insanely affordable price, and it's amazing. I've been reintroduced to the wonders of Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network, just in time for all those heartwarming holiday movies, and having SOAPnet at home, which allows me to catch up on the early years of ONE TREE HILL and the ALL MY CHILDREN episodes I missed while watching YOUNG AND RESTLESS and BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL here. But the greatest gift of all was three hours of THE HILLS on Monday. I'm an addict; I can't help it. Spencer and Justin Bobby are perhaps two of the greatest "characters" on TV. Daytime writers should take note, although I think Billy Miller's been studying up on Spencer's privileged playboy routine. I so enjoyed the season finale and the red-carpet interviews leading up to it. And who knew Lauren and Heidi would actually have a normal, honest conversation — and hug?! We've all had spats with girlfriends about the guys they choose or some other shady move they made, and this just reminded me that no matter what happens, there's a reason we befriended those people in the first place and there will always be a connection. Aw, now I'm getting all Lifetime sappy! Maybe I should write an MOW called CATFIGHT CHRISTMAS. It could be about two girls fighting over a lothario (played by Justin Bobby) and getting past it with the help of a sage cosmetics guru (Catherine Hickland, OLTL's Lindsay). What would your MOW be called?

December 17, 2008
Wasn't today's Christmas episode on ONE LIFE TO LIVE kind of bizarre? It was just very different from the usual holiday fare, although a departure from the norm is certainly not a bad thing in a genre that has as many recycled plots as it does. You've got the police commissioner dressed as Santa trying to buoy the spirits of the many Llanview denizens who are having a crummy December, while Sarah sadly looked on after learning that her boyfriend is going to marry a hot Colombian woman who needs asylum. Meanwhile, Jessica was having a major breakdown at St. Ann's and ratting Brody out for seeing visions of the Iraqi boy he killed — all to an eerie rendition of "Carol of the Bells." Doesn't it seem that since Jessica has checked herself into the mental hospital she's crazier than ever? I think Tess and Bess come out as often as Jessica does. And which one will Brody fall for? Frankly, two crazy people do not equal one healthy relationship so let's hope they explore that angle after they're released.

December 10, 2008
While having an enlightening conversation with my co-workers Erika Martinez and Elaine Flores, we decided that there must be soaps in heaven, and our moms are watching them (hopefully together, even if they don't know each other). Imagine an airy white lounge with roomy couches (kind of like a beach club in Miami) and huge flat-screen TVs everywhere with your favorite soaps on and NO commercial interruptions. Or better yet, imagine there's a special remote control where you can select a certain decade from a soap to watch, and you have access to cancelled shows, too! Which decade would you choose? I would definitely go with early '80s on GENERAL HOSPITAL. I might even watch a little PORT CHARLES: TAINTED. And every Nurses' Ball that every aired (oh, Lucy). What would you be your heavenly wish?

December 3, 2008
Now that Christmas is creeping up, it's time to make that list and check it twice. If iPods didn't break on a yearly basis, I'd probably be asking for something else this year, but now that I've vowed to ditch the bus and walk to my subway in the morning, I'm going to need some tunes! In an upcoming issue of Digest, we ask stars what they hope to find under their tree, but what if we could ask their characters the same question? I think it would go something like this:

OLTL's David: $1 million and another crack at a hit TV show
OLTL's Blair: John, John, John ... and a few satin negligees
OLTL's Marty: Um, try starting with the last six months of her life back!
B&B's Rick: A new car and a good lawyer.
GH’s Jax: A restraining order against Carly and a coded padlock to his suite!
GH’s Elizabeth: A GPS tracking device like this one http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/locator.html.
GL’s Natalia: A lucky lottery ticket and some Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts for those long shifts.
GH’s Sonny: A chastity belt to protect him from Claudia.

November 6, 2008
Hey, soap fans! Sorry I am a tad late with my blog this week. I've been busy getting busy while my daughter is about to give birth to the grandchild I plan to steal. Oh, wait, that's OLTL's idiotic Todd, who I just don't feel sorry for. Ever. Do you? Actually, I've been busy preparing for a musical performance as my alter ego, and that is the truth! But I shall never reveal my secret identity.... Speaking of alters, welcome back, Niki Smith! What a treat is it to see Erika Slezak portraying Niki (albeit a somewhat gentler, more rational Niki, no?) as part of Tess's screwed-up subconscious. Love the leggings, Niki. Methinks Roxy would approve. And dog lovers, get ready for that "surprise birth" Ron Carlivati alluded to before sweeps. As Andrea Evans (Tina) told me after filming the scenes, "I was surrounded in puppy breath." Not being a dog owner, I went, "Ew!" and she said, "Oh, no. There's nothing better. I love puppy breath." To each her own!

October 29, 2008
Monday's Feast With Famous Faces event was so yummy it made me want to dance with joy, just like the High School Musical kids in that Sara Lee commercial that's been running incessantly in the afternoon. I was going to blog about the feast, but you know the drill — good food, good-looking stars — so instead I've compiled a special list for soap watchers who don't "zizz" through the commercials, as my mom used to say. Here is my Top 5 Commercial Jingles Implanted In My Brain From Watching Soaps. (Note that some of these are no longer airing due to false advertising.) Feel free to add your own in the comments section!

1. "Clipo, Clipo, Clipo!"
This is a new one, but equally as infectious as the ones that follow. This little ditty advertises a set of interlocking blocks that seem to excite small children, which daytime advertisers assume you have. I like to think of this as the new "Weebles Wobble" song. You know, they wobble, but they don't fall down.

2. "It's a brand new day."
This uplifting tune accompanies footage of people canoeing, biking and hiking to illustrate that people with herpes can't possibly do these things without taking Valtrex.

3. "Celebrate, celebrate, come on and celebrate."
This uplifting tune accompanies footage of people canoeing, biking and hiking to illustrate that people with arthritis can't possibly do these things without taking Celebrex.

4. "You've got possibilities. Let us give it a try."
Oh, this one drove me up the wall for the better part of 2005. Remember the Pillsbury Dough Boy dancing up a storm? Apparently, this song is from the 1966 original Broadway cast recording of It's a Bird ... It's a Plane ... It's Superman. Who knew?

5. "Activia!"
One word, four notes FOREVER ingrained in my psyche. Yes, even more so than the rap in the iO Digital Cable ad, which blew my mind with its use of rapping sea monsters, pirates and mermaids.

October 22, 2008
After watching all this pre-wedding madness on GENERAL HOSPITAL, I’m wondering why Patrick and Robin have to get married, like, this very second. For the last two years they’ve been taking their sweet time making a commitment and even when Robin found herself accidentally pregnant by him, they still couldn’t reach an agreement on how to proceed. But it took extenuating circumstances (Robert’s battle with cancer and recent coma) to realize the importance of moving forward, and what better date to set your wedding than your baby’s due date, right? Well, I’m not sure if that’s the exact date, but whatevs. All I know is that if I were Robin and I got knocked up and my boyfriend waited an eternity to propose, I’d make him wait until a). I had the baby and made sure he didn’t bolt, b). lost the baby weight and c). could drink champagne and other fun adult beverages at my own wedding! I mean, it’s the BRIDE’s day, right? Or maybe we should just praise her not being a bridezilla, but come on — the champagne?!