December 24, 2008
This is for any of you true TV junkies who may have just pried your eyes off your 46-inch HD plasma to glance at a calendar and notice the date. And then felt your blood chill as you realized you haven't completed (or even begun) your holiday shopping. I say, "Don't panic!" There's still time to recover. (Unless you're reading this in the middle of the night and you don't live in a major metropolitan area — in which case, yeah, it is too late. Sorry.) You cannot go wrong by giving the gift of TV. No, not an actual TV (Although, Santa, if you're reading this, I could really use one of those 46-inch HD plasmas I mentioned above...y'know, for professional purposes!), I'm talking about TV shows. On DVD. So, as a public service to the panicked, I offer "Uncle Joe's Ultimate Procrastinator's Last-minute Holiday Cheat Sheet." You may notice that inherent in this list is the idea that you're feeling guilty for waiting until the very last moment, and thus are willing to shell out for some recently released big box sets. All of these packages make a great gift — and even better viewing...

•Bones — Season 3: Totally Decomposed Edition. Okay, besides the witty name, the packaging features Bones and Booth playing cards with a skeleton! (Happy holidays!) This season told the story of serial cannibal Gormogon and the…uh, killer secret of his accomplice, as well as Hodges and Angela's bid to marry. While the writers' strike limited the season to 15 episodes, this set includes the first four installments of season four — featuring Bones and Booth traveling to England — as a bonus! You can't beat that. $59.98.

•Lost: The Complete Fourth Season. Possibly the best season yet of this incredibly dense, self-referential cult series, which fairly requires repeated viewings on DVD. This season we learned…well, lots of stuff. I'm not even sure where to begin. The people from "Not Penny's Boat" come ashore; hilarity ensued. Sawyer sacrificed himself for Kate, everyone bounced back and forth throughout the space/time continuum, and Ben moved the island! Want more? The set has the usual ridiculously excellent LOST extras: commentaries, making-of documentaries (filming off-shore!), bloopers, deleted scenes and even webisodes (but no polar bears). $59.99.

•24: Redemption. Sure, this two-hour movie aired only about a month ago, but we're still three weeks away from the premiere of Day 7, and I can tell you the events from Africa have a direct bearing on what happens to Jack Bauer in Washington D.C., so you might want to refresh your memory with this two-disc release. It features an extra 15 minutes of deleted scenes and a full commentary from Kiefer Sutherland (and others), as well as a making-of documentary, a recap of Day 6, and a preview of Day 7. $26.98.

•Knight Rider: the Complete Collection. While the "reimagined" version of the series is in the shop for a tune-up, take the original 1980s series for a spin. You get all 84 episodes on 24 discs, and can look forward to commentaries from star David Hasslehoff and series creator/writer Glen Larson, as well as a handful of documentaries looking at things like the instantly recognizable music and the state-of-the-art stunt work. Plus, you cannot beat the packaging, which boasts a roving red LED "eye" that actually moves back and forth and plays a snippet of the theme song. $139.98.

•The Incredible Hulk: The Complete Series. This muscular set boasts 82 episodes on 20 discs, with several introductions/commentaries from executive producer Kenneth Johnson and a brief gag reel. I would point out that this is nothing like the two Hulk theatrical films; this was a much lower-budgeted weekly TV series that began in 1977.But what it lacked in money it made up for with that absolutely killer, tear-jerking theme music. $149.98.

That ought to help you out, at least a little bit. Happy holidays, and I'll see you in the New Year…

December 18, 2008
"There is a place in this world, a place in the human heart, for vengeance." —Tripp Darling, DIRTY SEXY MONEY

Garret Dillahunt plays Roman Nevikov, a Russian gangster working the system as a federally protected witness, on LIFE. He plays Roman as slightly less human than the triple-8 he portrays on TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES. On the other hand, Sarah Shahi showcased Dani Reese's human side more than ever when Dani started drinking again. She actually showed up at Charlie's place soused! (When he asked if she'd been drinking, she replied, "Since I was 12.") She revealed she needed to be liquored up to ask him what he knows about her crooked father. Tidwell was very protective of her (after all, he wants her to meet his father!), and ordered her back to AA — 90 meetings in 90 days.

•Charlie shot his own father — do you think there's something Oedipal about that?
•I think Charlie drives around in a car full of bullet holes because the car is just like him: battered but still rolling on.
•Charlie arranged bodyguards for Ted in the big house. "This is the world," the tough guy mused. "That's something Charlie Crews taught me."
•Agent Wagner is becoming more and more special every week. He showed up when Charlie called the Joint Terrorism Task Force about a threat to a federal building.

The episode ended with a cliffhanger when Charlie was shot by an unknown assailant. Well, everyone has been telling him lately that he's making a big mistake, so... Never fear, Charlie fans: LIFE returns to the schedule on Feb. 4.

Previously on DIRTY SEXY MONEY, Chase crashed Patrick's inauguration to spray the podium with bullets. Last night's episode picked up the action several weeks later with a news report (featuring Ty Treadway): Nick was winged, Jeremy suffered amnesia, Chase was gunned down and left in a coma — and poor Carmelita was killed! The story centered on the comatose Chase: his wife was fighting his DNR order when all the Darlings (and Simon Elder) wanted his plug pulled. Not helping: Chase actually woke up for 90 seconds right on cue, just like any self-respecting soap character, to "prove" he wasn't entirely dead. But the real drama was about Nick. He and Lisa split, and were in the middle of trying to decide how to share custody of Kiki. With that emotional backdrop Chase's wife put her 10-year-old daughter on the witness stand to plead that her comatose Daddy be allowed to live. This cut Nick to the quick, because Lisa was trying to cut him out of Kiki's life — much like Nick's own father had been suddenly yanked out of his life. Nick's brother Brian, meanwhile was contemplating severing his marriage to Andrea. Brian got to make a wonderful speech in a really terrific scene that gave Glenn Fitzgerald a chance to really sink his teeth into the material. Here's hoping he earned himself another job now that DSM has been iced. Brian and brother Nick raised an intriguing possibility: Is Dutch actually still alive? Does he have $1.6 million lying around to spend on a giant pipe organ? And does Tripp have a soul? "There is a place in this world, a place in the human heart, for vengeance," the patriarch intoned while trying to egg his son Patrick into killing the helpless Chase. (He refused.) Way to share the holiday spirit, Tripp!

Who would have expected NCIS to be filled with the Christmas spirit? Pondering what gift to give surly Gibbs, goth doll/lab rat Abby asked that eternal Christmas question, "What do you get the man who has nothing — and wants nothing?" I was taken by surprise by Abby's Christmas spirit. She was positively enchanted by a visiting doctor who was dressed as Santa, and revealed that she hasn't slept on Christmas Eve since she was 4. Gibbs showed some holiday benevolence by hugging Abby, and she later retaliated by planting mistletoe in her lab as an excuse to plant one on Gibbs' cheek. She left a bright lipstick mark on his cheek, and he gave her a wry stare.

Using the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in a Christmas story was a curious decision, because no other landmark in Washington, D.C., conjures such feelings of sadness. I have visited the memorial, and it is a powerful experience that I highly recommend. The black edifice itself is oppressive in its starkness and the simplicity of its message — the names of 58,256 dead and missing service personnel — is overwhelming. Even if you are too young to remember the conflict, just being confronted by the massive wall of names is an emotional experience. And maybe that's what the-powers-that-be were looking for from this holiday story: to tug the heartstrings hard, and remind folks that, just like DiNozzo's movie, as long as you have people who love you, It's a Wonderful Life.

Everybody thinks THE MENTALIST's Simon Baker is wonderful, and while his particular personal charms are lost on me, I do like his show. And I will watch anything featuring the gifted actor Gregory Itzin, best known as the dastardly President Logan from 24. In this week's episode, Patrick revealed that he had a mental breakdown and was confined to a facility. When his former psychiatrist, Dr. Sophie Miller, was accused of murder, Patrick insisted on helping her. Dr. Miller was played by Elisabeth Rohm, whom you might remember as the sudden lesbian ADA Serena Southerlyn from LAW & ORDER, but I recall her as Detective Kate Lockley, vampire Angel's not-quite love interest from ANGEL. We got periodic flashbacks of Patrick's stay at the facility, peppered into a story about murder at a research lab that claimed to have invented a machine that could alter human morality. How ironic then, that Patrick exploited the basic human urge toward good morality to elicit a confession from the bad guy. Now that's what I call psyching someone out.

December 16, 2008
HEROES wrapped the first half of its season last night, with Sylar in control of the Primatech complex and determined to show HRG, Claire, Meredith and Angela who the real villains are. But the good guys were determined not to go down easy; Claire revealed that her healing power could be negated by sticking something into the back of her brain, and suggested Sylar should have the same vulnerability. HRG/Noah set other bad guys (including the Puppeteer) free from Level 5 to act as chum for Sylar, but ended up trapped in a cell himself alongside Meredith, who was losing control of her fire power (thanks to an adrenaline injection from, of course, Sylar). Meanwhile, Sylar confronted his "mother" Angela, and in an inversion of the classic Marlon Brando line from On the Waterfront, lamented, "I coulda been a nobody, instead of the monster I became."

Ando also was not happy with his current state. Wanting to save his friend Hiro, who was trapped 16 years in the past, Ando injected himself with Mohinder's power serum, hoping that desire would influence the power he would get. My problem was, Ando getting powers completely ruined what was cool about him — namely, that he was "just" human. He was the sidekick who kept the self-styled "master of time and space" Hiro grounded. Ando was the real person, who served as counterweight to the flashy powered people. Ando ended up with the power to supercharge other abilities, but to me he simply got the ability to negate his own uniqueness. "Yatta!" he crowed, while I cringed. One of the reasons HRG is my favorite character is that he knows he's human but doesn't let that slow him down. He's still awesome. He knows what a literal monster Sylar is, yet he doesn't hesitate to go after him with just his wits and handgun. (At least Claire's tip gave him something to work with; though I find it remarkable that Noah didn't know about the "sweet spot" in the back of the brain!) Claire's Daddy complex was dramatized by her bid to save HRG from the cell, even though she knew it was a trap. (She also wanted to save her biological mother, Meredith, too, just not really as much). And Noah is no dummy, which is why he realized the glass of the cell was bulletproof but not heatproof. (Luckily, they were not locked in Flint's old cell, which did have heatproof glass). Will Noah's 29297 code become a cult number, like the ones from LOST?

Some random observations:
•Daphne's quip, "Back in a flash!" was an obvious shout-out to DC Comics' Flash, the "fastest man alive," who routinely used his superspeed to travel in time (albeit usually with a "cosmic treadmill").
•It was great to see the wonderful George Takei back as Kaito, and to learn how the formula got torn to begin with.
•Ando (and Daphne) rescued Hiro, thus bookending the volume – which began with Hiro fearing that Ando would kill him in the future, but ended with Ando saving him in the past.
•Loved Tracy calling Hiro "Pickachu," and then him punching her out. hated Tracy picking up Mohinder by the side of the road at the end.
•Recognizing that Nathan is in trouble and for some reason not flying away, Peter injected himself with the formula to restore his powers. Like how Nathan pointed out that went against everything Peter was arguing.
•At least we know Sylar is not a Petrelli after all. The house was getting crowded with sudden offspring.
•Claire should know that removing the glass from the sweet spot will revive Sylar, so she should make sure it stays there. (Unless the exploding Meredith jarred it loose.)

So what was the final body count?
•Arthur Petrelli (still dead, but is it permanent?).
•Meredith (Death by fire? Really?).
•Knox.
•Puppetmaster.
•Supersoldier.
•Doyle (metal man).
•Echo De Mille (played by GENERAL HOSPITAL vet Kiko Ellsworth).
•Sylar. For now. Until the glass shard is pulled out of his brain.
•Primatech Paper.

Volume 4: "Fugitives" kicked off right away. Jumping ahead three weeks, Nathan went to the president (played by STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION's Michael Dorn), to get government authorization to round up people with abilities and put them in camps. And President Worf actually went for it! The previews of the "new season," which starts Feb. 2, shows abnormals trussed up in orange jump suits and hoods like prisoners at Gitmo! From "heroes" to dehumanized sheep....

Loss of humanity — or, perhaps more accurately, lack of humanity – was a theme on the winter finale to TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES. T:SCC is supposed to be about saving humanity from extinction, but I perceive precious little humanity on the show. Perhaps I don't watch regularly enough to pick up on the nuances. For instance, Riley's story is mitigated by Jesse's cruelty — is Jesse supposed to be an example of becoming what you hate so much? Losing her humanity to protect mankind? Stephanie Chaves-Jacobsen (ex-Kendra, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) returned as Jesse, who revealed she brought Riley back from the future in order to lure John away from "her." But is that Cameron or Sarah? Jesse slapped Riley around, which further makes her a monster. When Riley slit her wrists, she was trying to take away her own humanity. See the theme? Ellison was contracted by Catherine to teach the terminator now known as John Henry right from wrong. Ellison knows the toaster is a pitiless killing machine, yet he still engages it? We also got a bit of backstory as Ellison revealed his wife had secretly...er, terminated a pregnancy.

Sarah pursued a woman with her own secret: Eileen was a woman using the online identity "Abraham" — or was she? Actually, "she" was a man living as a woman to hide from the mysterious forces that wanted to silence her blog. I suppose there could be another message about humanity there, but I think it was just overly complicated. What was important was Eileen's observation that Sarah cannot feel the fear of almost dying anymore. She's she mother of the future of mankind, but is she losing her humanity? That's a question worth pursuing. Sarah followed Eileen's clues to a warehouse in the desert, where she kills a guy pretending to be an air-conditioning installer, but not before getting herself shot in the leg. (Can I just point out how much I hate the cliché of having two characters wrestle for a gun that then goes off between them, so viewers are supposed to wonder who got shot. Hint: It ain't the hero!) Anyway, Sarah dragged herself out the front door and looked into the sky to see what appeared to be a prototype of the Hunter-Seekers we see in the nightmare future. The show ended with a poorly edited sequence of Sarah wincing under bright lights for several moments before passing out. Was that supposed to make me want to turn in again come January? It was a disappointing wrap.

SURVIVOR: GABON — EARTH'S LAST EDEN wrapped Sunday night with Bob, the physics teacher from Portland, Maine, winning the $1 million over Sugar and Susie. This was the first time three finalists pleaded their cases to the jury. Corinne carved a place for herself in SURVIVOR history with a self-consciously mean-spirited, spiteful screed for Sugar, calling into question Sugar's sincerity about grieving for her late father. Despite Bob's dominance of the late-game challenges, his win turned out to be a real… well, survivor's story, because he literally survived an ouster vote. He tied with Matty and so they had a one-on-one fire-making challenge, which Bob won. He then went on to triumph before the particularly venomous jury this season. Not a bad season, but nothing to really set it apart as particularly memorable. Except that it was light-years ahead of SURVIVOR: AFRICA, which was terminally dull.

December 12, 2008
There was no doubt what the story of the night was: Laurence Fishburne joining CSI, the top-rated scripted series on TV. When I tuned in, I was pleasantly surprised to see Grissom (William Peterson) calmly and casually resign before the opening credits. Anybody who was going to watch the episode already knew Peterson was departing and Fishburne was coming in, so I'm glad the-powers-that-be did not try to drag out the reveal for the whole episode. Fishburne plays Dr. Raymond Langston, a former pathologist who now works as "an itinerant college lecturer" specializing in teaching about the mentality of criminals.

Fishburne, better known as Morpheus in the Matrix movies, was introduced slowly, presumably so he would not appear to be taking over. He had little to do last night except establish his character as an intelligent guy who is brave enough to stand up to a serial killer, cops, and a lecture hall full of underclassmen. That's because Langston just happens to be teaching a course in Las Vegas on Nathan Haskell, an incarcerated mass murderer who chatted with Langston's class via Webcast. Bill Irwin, who is known for his comedic roles, here turns in a cool, reserved performance as the murderous Nathan Haskell. Maybe it was the horn-rimmed glasses. (Once again, the fashion statement of choice for guys; perhaps I should get myself a set of those frames! Would that make me as awesome as HRG on HEROES?) Haskell's demeanor telegraphed a sense of power and control. (He doesn't need to wild gestures to attract attention.) Haskell's calm permeated everything.

The storyline was some confusing gobbledygook about a serial-killer copycat who just happened to kill a previously unknown assistant to notorious killer Haskell. (Was somebody watching LIFE? See below.) But the really atmospheric filming engaged my curiosity. Perhaps it was the knowledge that Grissom was leaving, or just the oppressive shadows that dominated every scene, but the episode was shot through with a sense of dread and foreboding. The soundstages were barely lit, so sometimes it was tough to figure out who was speaking — but it looked good.

Speaking of looking good on the surface, ELEVENTH HOUR continues to be a bit disappointing to me, because it still plays like HOUSE with a location budget. I think Dr. Hood needs to face more non-medical mysteries. He's supposed to be the FBI's science adviser, so how come he's only used on medical cases? Perhaps it's time to import David Duchovney) and investigate some alleged aliens? Rufus Sewell and Marley Shelton deserve better and more diverse material. Giving Hood a personal life — he actually (sort of) asked a woman out on a date for the first time — is a great first step. It's worth noting that the original British version of this series only lasted four episodes, so the American adaptation is already ahead of the game.

The game was entering its final phases on SURVIVOR: GABON — EARTH'S LAST EDEN. Science teacher Bob has surprisingly emerged as the dominant player, winning four straight challenges and painting a target on his back. But he's not the only threat. Sugar is proving to be an adept manipulator, and the secret to her power this week stemmed from her willingness to share information, such as revealing to the seemingly doomed Matty the members of her alliance, or cluing in Bob that the others were planning a blindside. Unfortunately, her Achilles heel appears to be her highly emotional state; she's too quick to empathize (and get teary) with other players. Her insta-feelings for Matty proved highly entertaining when she gave him her Hidden Immunity Idol, thus sabotaging the other players who were hoping to pick off the physically powerful Matty. In the end, Crystal ended up getting the boot, because she garnered the second-highest number of votes.

Hard to believe, but it's already time for the finale this Sunday. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict the final two will be Bob and Sugar, with Bob taking the prize, because the jury will feel he played a more straight-up game. However, I'm rooting for Sugar.

I'm a bit out of the target demographic for Harlequin romances, so I have no idea if the "Dutch love spoon" cited as a key piece of evidence in the murder mystery on PUSHING DAISIES is real, but hey, this is a documentary, right? (Olive said the spoon is supposed to symbolize the sweetness lovers feed each other forever.) The spoon came up because Olive was helping Emerson investigate a murder involving a lighthouse-keeping family. (No, not light housekeeping!) In addition to Olive demonstrating aptitude as gumshoe, portrayer Kristen Chenoweth got to exercise her Broadway lungs again with a song! However, the episode was dominated by the antics of Chuck's resurrected father, Charles Charles, who feared Ned would accidentally touch his daughter again and send her back to the Great Beyond. Charles warned the Piemaker to stay away from Chuck, or he would tell the world their secret. Charles moved in with Ned, but felt trapped and freakish. And not just because he's a reanimated corpse -- Charles actually preferred cake to pies!!! Horrors! Speaking of horrors, I was actually kind of shocked when the Ned/Charles conflict was externalized into a broom/mop fight. For a show the features so much death, violence is relatively rare, so to see two guys going at each other was a surprise. But that was more than counteracted by Olive obtaining themed rain slickers to battle the downpour that raged throughout the episode. She bought herself a raincoat with olives on it, Emerson Cod got one with fish (they looked like salmons to me, but could have been cod), and Ned's was adorned with pies. What other show would dare such on-the-nose nonsense? It's tragic this show has been clipped in the flower of its youth.

The very next hour also featured a type of flower -- LIFE opened with a body buried up to its neck in the ground with flower petals arranged into a pattern around it. Why do I like this show? Because after the body was removed, Charlie climbed into the hole to get a corpse's eye view of the crime scene. And he spotted a clue!

Much like Thursday's CSI, this episode of LIFE concerned a possible serial killer copycat or "tribute killer." Again, it was too complicated to follow the details (especially since characters were using assumed names!) but I did enjoy watching it unfold. I also enjoyed seeing soap veterans Jessica Dunphy (ex-Alison, AS THE WORLD TURNS; ex-Devin, THE SOPRANOS), Rachel Miner (ex-Michelle, GUIDING LIGHT; Dani, CALIFORNICATION) and Mary Gross (ex-Aunt Raylene, GENERAL HOSPITAL). Miner was especially effective as Squeaky, the breathy curator of a museum devoted to murder memorabilia, as was Gross, whose loopy delivery made her character's tale of how her father killed a man while wearing handcuffs morbidly funny.

Surely Reese and Tidwell don't think they can hide their relationship from Charlie? And how long will it last, seeing as he admitted he wants two kids, while Reese doesn't want any? Poor Ted got violated back to jail in order to send Charlie the message that he has to play ball with the feds. Uh-oh...

Speaking of uh-oh, DIRTY SEXY MONEY ended with a cliff-hanger worthy of GH: Grief-addled Chase dressed as a cop to infiltrate Patrick's swearing-in ceremony and open fire. But whom was he shooting at? Was Nick hit? Is Jeremy okay after hitting his head on the pavement? I'll tell you this much: You do not want to miss next week's episode...

December 9, 2008
Finally, an episode of HEROES I don't have to be embarrassed about watching and even enjoying. This week's installment was a vast improvement over previous weeks' for two simple reasons: a) stuff happened, and b) human interactions were emphasized.

In an effort to...um, undo a lot of the bad stuff that has been happening lately, Hiro transported Claire 16 years into the past, where they witnessed Kaito Nakamura (George Takei, reprising his role as Hiro's late father) giving Noah custody of the infant Claire while young Hiro played videogames nearby. adultHiro was shocked to see his late mother in another room and, realizing that she had healing powers, figured she could cure his memory loss. Ishi Nakamura, played by Tamlyn Tomita (Giselle, GENERAL HOSPITAL), was the original vessel for the "catalyst," the mysterious element that makes superpowers work. Since Ishi was dying, Kaito had her transfer the catalyst into infantClaire. But teenClaire resolved to stop that transfer because...well, because it would change history. For her, at least. Since it's unclear what the catalyst does or how it's used, the potential effects of this change were unknowable — a key fault with the episode. After Ishi restored adultHiro's memories, he asked her to give him the catalyst instead of the baby, so she did. Then she died. But then, so what? Sylar's comments implied that Claire could not be killed because of the presence of the catalyst, so...is Claire now mortal? Is Hiro now immortal? Since Claire never had the catalyst for Sylar to steal, is Sylar once again mortal?

One of the best parts of the episode was seeing Sylar back to being unabashedly evil. He once again delighted in taking on new powers, reveling in the act of slicing open a victim's skull. Everyone loves a good bad guy, and this was the Sylar that puts HEROES on the map. His amorality is is fun to watch, and hey, aren't there days when we'd all like to rip the top of somebody's head off? (No? Um...never mind.) Sylar seemed cruel when he set fire to Elle's corpse (Bye, Kristen Bell!), but he was downright cold when he slammed that bullet into Arthur's forehead. Let's hope the Petrelli patriarch is dead, but don't count on it. Sylar was using multiple powers simultaneously in the presence of the Haitian, so Arthur may be playing possum. (And just what was that golden glow that swept over his "corpse"? Was the catalyst activating a power within Arthur?)

Actually, the best part of the episode was the emotional component. Once again we got to see characters, not merely a collection of superpowers. Masi Oka finally got the material to do some real emoting; his scenes with his mother were quite touching. And Tomita gave as good as she got, making Ishi a beautiful and compassionate figure, full of love and honor. She was almost too good to be true, like an idealized version of a mother. I liked that Hiro came right out and told her who he was, and asked her to heal him. Her joy at seeing her time-traveling son was realistic: She just wanted to know what he had done with his life. (He saved the world, twice!) Similarly, Claire had highly emotional scenes with Noah — who could not accurately be called HRG yet, since he lacked his trademark specs. Hayden Panettiere was subtle as she reined in Claire's conflicting emotions for her father. She assured him the child will be in his life and depend on him to protect her from some nasty customers. (In one of those "only in sci-fi" moments, Claire actually got to change her own diaper and give herself the nickname "Claire Bear." Think about: She traveled through time to deal with a wet diaper.)

Here's hoping next week's winter finale can pick up the baton and bring this chapter to a successful conclusion.

December 8, 2008
The winners of THE AMAZING RACE 13 were basically decided by who got lucky with cabs. Taxicab follies are one of the standard frustrations of this series. In fact, it's easy to get the impression that in 80 percent of the world, cab drivers are just guys who happen to be sitting behind the wheel of cars for hire, and they have no more idea where local landmarks are than I do. I assumed that once the gang returned to the United States that problem would be solved. Boy, was I — and poor Dan & Andrew — wrong. The self-described beer-swilling frat guys were frakked when they chose the wrong taxi in Portland, Ore. They never had a chance. (Let me tell you, if gives me a renewed appreciation for cab drivers in New York and Las Vegas; they may try to take the "scenic route" to pad the bill, but at least they know where the place they're overcharging for is!)

Even if it was frustrating to watch, it was fitting that the final leg to the pit stop was spent in traffic. Nick and Starr's driver took a wise turn, avoided traffic, and made the dominating brother/sister team $1 million richer. I had to laugh as Ken and Tina fittingly imitated Dr. Evil with their "one meeeeellion dollars" line. Ken and Tina continued to bicker and argue nonstop, all the way to the (very) bitter end. Oh, how I would have hated to listen to Tina complain about the $1 million prize, had they won. In the end, the divorcees reaffirmed their relationship and Ken slipped his ring back on her finger. Which points to the key strength of this unscripted competition: the pre-existing relationships of the team members. Every team is made up of people who know each other in some capacity — they are either related or friends, and so on — and the stress of the competition brings issues to the surface that would not exist between strangers who just teamed up. Those relationships also give teams a reservoir of strength to draw upon when the going gets tough. And that's what makes this show best, and earns it an Emmy every year.

If you're like me, you were watching Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" programming block. But if you're not like me (and why aren't you?), you're probably wondering what I was doing watching cartoons at 12:15 a.m.? Well, the answer is simple: "Adult Swim" has some pretty good stuff that's worth watching. (ROBOT CHICKEN rulz!) Case in point, a new series called THE DRINKY CROW SHOW (based on cartoonist Tony Millionaire's Maakies comic strip). While the series is not for everyone (featuring, as it does, graphic violence and absurdist humor), last night's episode mentioned that Uncle Gabby had bought a giant monkey from an advertisement "in the back of my favorite soap magazine." Just another reason to read Weekly, folks!

December 4, 2008
"I love it when a plan comes together." That's what Hannibal King, leader of THE A-TEAM, used to say, and I have to agree with him — especially now, when viewers are seeing all of the groundwork on FRINGE start to come together. Like most viewers, I'm hoping answers will be easier to come by than they are on LOST. The returns of creepy Mr. Jones (played with reptilian calm by Jared Harris) and shady FBI agent Mitchell Loeb (Chance Kelly) bode well for viewers getting some satisfaction sooner rather than later. We cannot quite see what the show might call a Pattern yet, but we can certainly discern an Outline. Best. Episode. Ever.

The story kicked off with a really exciting bank robbery that featured the thieves using the technology seen two weeks ago in "The Equation" to walk through walls right into the vault. The constant countdown really ratcheted up the tension (and reminded me of my own desperate dashes to do other things during the timed commercial breaks — "Is this a 60- or a 90-second window?"). I just knew somebody was going to get frozen in the wall. When Olivia thought she recognized the victim, it seamlessly led to some backstory about little Liv (nicknamed "Solo" because she had no friends), and built on her shared memories with John Scott. What are the chances that the memories she absorbed from her dead partner are precisely the ones Ms. Sharp is trying to suck out of John's corpse? Curse the luck! (I loved that Massive Dynamic used that optic-nerve trick to recover the last image John saw: Olivia.) Of course Walter's backstory figured prominently — he invented the space/time teleportation device the thieves were after. And they used it to free Jones from prison, and he then promptly took Olivia hostage. BTW, Walter's invention only furthers my argument that he's a "lost" incarnation of the Doctor — DOCTOR WHO has featured a very similar device, called a Time Scoop. If you had trouble remembering where you've seen the guy who played Jones' attorney, Kohl, that was James Frain, who plays Thomas Cromwell on THE TUDORS and was Paul Rains on Day 4 of 24.

The line of the night came from Peter, addressing one of the men who was dying from radiation sickness after walking through walls: "You violated the laws of physics, Mr. Eastwick. And Mother Nature's a bitch!"

December 3
It's the holiday season, and on GOSSIP GIRL that means it's time for the Senior Snowflake Ball, which means everyone's atwitter over getting a date. When Aaron's ex, Lexie, disses Serena, the queen bee maneuvers him into escorting her to the Snowflake. Of course Lexie easily finagles Dan into escorting her. A jealous Serena called the arrangement When Harry Met Crazy. S. got off an even better line when Aaron told her that Lexie likes to sleep with a guy on the first date as a political statement against traditional male hegemony: "Can't she just vote?" There was also plenty of drama surrounding the Vanessa/Jenny sitch — especially after Gossip Girl circulated a snap of V. and Nate sucking face in the street. That set in motion Little J.'s plan to put her mad fashion skillz to work exposing the "real" Vanessa underneath it all. But the real story was the contest between Chuck and Blair to see who could fix up the other with a better date. Blair set Chuck up with Justine, a brunette who looked just like her, while Chuck rustled up a strutting peacock imitation of himself. Could anyone be surprised; it's so obvious how perfect they are for each other. (I'm thinking the specific problem last night might have been that Chuck wore a more glittery outfit to the Snowflake Ball. Dude, normally, you're one of my TV idols, but that jacket… I mean, where were your ice skates?) At least B. and Bass copped to their mutual attraction, and he actually asked her to dance. Vanessa never got the chance to dance, but she did get to apologize to Little J. and confess to Nate that she intercepted his letter intended for Jenny. But by then it was too late for Jenny to call off her little prank, because she already gave Vanessa a dress make of sheer material that turned transparent under a spotlight. Vanessa's…assets were exposed, leaving her humiliated, and Nate's heart broken by Jenny's revenge, because he expected Little J. to be bigger than that. At least Dan and Serena were big enough to admit that the first time they made love was the best night of their lives.

BTW, how funny is it that Bart's secretary is named "Mrs. Landingham"? So very WEST WING. Of course it wasn't funny that Bart was in a car accident, making him the front-runner in the "Who's Gonna Die?" pool. But c'mon: The guy was clearly a speedbump for Lily and Rufus. Especially after Rufus admitted that he regretted not stopping her from marrying the blue-blood. And once she admitted she's dumping her nosy husband, his days were numbered. There really wasn't anyone else in the cast to target. (Dorota is practically being groomed for a sequel.)

HEROES could do with a little housecleaning itself. Last night picked up the story from last week, with the super-ability-sucking eclipse leaving everyone powerless. Yep, that eclipse sure was something special — unlike a normal eclipse, it could be seen from Haiti to New Jersey to Kansas to California simultaneously, and it lasted quite a while. I looked it up, and "totality," that period when the sun is completely blocked by the moon, can never exceed 7 minutes and 31 seconds. The blotted-out sun was almost as annoying as the mountains depicted outside Lawrence, Kan.! SMALLVILLE notwithstanding, there are no mountains in Kansas, people — there aren't even any hills! Last week the producers spent the money to create a background shot of endless flat cornfields, but it was only used once. I think it was Truman Capote who wrote about how the vastness of the flatlands could drive a man insane, but HRG didn't have that excuse for getting overanxious and blowing his shot at shooting Sylar and Elle. Sylar fought HRG, who indulged his rage and beat up powerless Sylar instead of immediately shooting him the head. Sure, Noah got his act together and slit Sylar's throat with a box-cutter, but then he turned dumb again and left the villain for dead instead of making sure. In his defense, he was probably worried about Claire, who was in a hospital with her entire abdomen sliced open (evoking her first-season autopsy). The good thing about this plotline: Hayden Panettiere got a chance to do some real acting as the feverish Claire, who was happy to be able to feel pain again, but not so thrilled to be dying.

The bad thing about this plot was the way powerless Peter was out to prove himself. (Doesn't he remember Ireland?) Pete and the Haitian wanted to make his brother, Baron Samedi, bleed in order to prove he wasn't a god, but Pete's brother Nathan ended up proving himself a clod. When Pete sprung big bro from a dungeon, he insisted that since Nathan is a senator he's more important and thus should flee while Peter covered his escape — and Nathan fled! Dude, never leave your little brother behind! That yellow move made it no surprise when the elder Petrelli decided there was wisdom to big daddy Arthur's plan to give everyone superpowers.

Eventually Claire died. But then that lingering eclipse cleared up and she got better. So did everyone else, whose powers returned. Which meant Sylar came back to life, too. And he was back to being a pure baddie. Hiro, however, needed help finding himself, so two workers in a comic-book shop helped him figure things out using the 9th Wonders! comic book. In fact, when Sam (played by Seth Green) made an inspirational speech that restored Hiro's faith in the value of heroes as symbols of hope, Sam seemed to be giving a kind of mission statement for rebooting the series heading into the second half of the season. But can they do it? Sylar is once again the clear antagonist, and HRG never stopped being made of awesome (He provoked Sylar by suggesting Arthur and Angela are lying about being Gabriel/Sylar's parents). But time travel is still prominent, as the episode ended with Hiro spiriting Claire 16 years into the past to witness Kaito entrusting her infant self to HRG. That can't be good...