November 26, 2008
On the day before Thanksgiving, I’d like to give thanks that the series finale of THE SHIELD totally lived up to not only my expectations, but my hopes. I came away from the harrowing last installment of the adventures of Vic Mackey feeling exhausted, disgusted, saddened and revolted. In other words, it couldn't have been more perfect. I spent weeks (months, even!) trying to guess Vic's ultimate fate, but I never in a million years would have expected him to end up a hopeless cubicle drone. Of course Vic had to lose everything — his family, his friends, his career — but I didn't expect it all to be so...satisfyingly cruel. Vic was always a creature of power — he wielded his detective shield like a club to beat down and extort criminals, then used it to shield himself from reprisals — so putting him into a position where he was completely powerless and forced to pee into a cup was simply brilliant. My hat is off to Shawn Ryan for remaining completely true the characters and situations he created so long ago. Vic started out season one by killing Strike Team member Terry, and ended up selling out (and figuratively killing) Strike Team member Ronnie last night. Poor Ronnie; he was loyal as a puppy right up until he was dragged, screaming, into hell...er, jail by Dutch. The series made sly reference to Dutch's long-gestating potential to become a serial killer by having him accused of murdering a woman by her sociopath son.

The real payoff was in the resolution of the Vic/Shane strife. Finally at the end of his rope, Shane killed his pregnant wife and son, then blew his own brains out. The sight of murdered Mara and Jackson posed peacefully on the bed was shocking, even for THE SHIELD. In fact, photos of the scene even made Vic gasp! I knew there could be no happy ending for Shane and Mara, but I did not expect that. I did expect Aceveda, perhaps the most blatantly political animal in the history of TV, to be elected mayor after turning Vic's massive drug bust to his own advantage.

If I can make a shocking confession myself, I sort of, kind of, was hoping (just a little bit) that Vic would get away with everything. Is that bad? (Yeah, it is, but is it that bad?) And the final image, of Vic returning to type and going rogue once again, even though it means a death sentence, kind of fulfilled that for me. THE SHIELD will be remembered as one of the great dramas.

FRINGE is on its way to becoming a great fantasy series. Finally, a show that captures the essence of THE X-FILES — it's damn spooky to watch a lone FBI agent creep through an abandoned cellar with a flashlight while strange things go bump in the dark. This week's episode actually succeeded in making me flinch when the butterfly suddenly attacked that guy. Who would expect an evil monarch? I mean, this ain't THE VENTURE BROS.

My favorite moment of this week's NCIS? After pumping the traitor Lee full of holes, Gibbs stood over her as she lay dying and didn't tell her that her young sister was safe. And he pulled her badge off her belt. Stone cold! Vic Mackey would be proud.

I was almost proud of Jack Bauer in 24: REDEMPTION. I wanted to be proud of him, but something about the two-hour movie just didn't quite click with me. Perhaps it was the fact that the fate of the entire world was not hanging in the balance. Or maybe the fact that Kiefer Sutherland played Jack as practically somnambulant. His harsh, growling whisper was an odd choice. Apparently there's no tea with honey in Africa? I suppose he was supposed to be so world-weary and burned out that he could barely force himself to speak. This movie was designed to serve as a bridge between Day 6 and January's Day 7. The links to the past came courtesy of Peter MacNichol's Tom Lennox and Powers Boothe's prickly President Noah Daniels. The future was seen in Cherry Jones incoming president Allison Taylor. Once again, the White House was infiltrated by shady operators and riddled with crooked agents. Who does the WH vetting — John McCain's office? (Too soon?) Anyhoo, Sebastian Roché (ex-Jerry, GENERAL HOSPITAL) has a small part as a thug that allows him use an odd skill he honed on GH — injecting unwilling, struggling subjects with nasty syringe. And burying a guy in cement.

Hey, that's all for now. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

November 21, 2008
Take a deep breath, Night Shifters: It's time for a catch-up blog, in which I get to be even more long-winded than usual...

Dean Winters (ex-oh, never mind, he's been on just about everything in prime time...) made a return visit to LIFE ON MARS, where he played Sam's father, Vic, alongside Jennifer Ferrin (ex-Jennifer, AS THE WORLD TURNS) as Sam's mother, Rose. Sam's birthday was approaching, which meant that little 1973 Sam was about to turn 4, and wanted to see his Daddy on his big day. Unfortunately, Vic was involved in a kidnapping plot — and of course adult Sam was on the case under his pseudonym, Detective Luke Skywalker. I liked Sam making an oblique QUANTUM LEAP reference when he wondered if he was "sent" to 1973 to make sure his father doesn't go down the criminal path. How much does Sam miss his father? He sniffs the guy's coat! But the perfect moment of the episode came when Sam recalled playing basketball as a kid — and fantasized about icons from the 1970s Knicks, including Walt Frazier, Dave DeBusschere and Phil Jackson. Sam also got some insight into father's struggles to make ends meet and why he was constantly on the road during Sam's childhood. And can I just compliment LIFE ON MARS for consistently employing soap actors? Last week's cameos by Grant Aleksander (Phillip, GUIDING LIGHT) and Elizabeth Hubbard were far too brief, but welcome.

Back in the present, SUPERNATURAL built on last week's Anna Milton's story with the revelation that she is actually a fallen angel. A rebel in heaven, she chose to fall so she could experience human emotions. During the fall, she became separated from her angelic "Grace," and the race was on between heaven and hell to recover that celestial power. I really enjoyed that creator Eric Kripke is willing to tackle a story about heaven and angels. It's long been the accepted unwritten "rule" of fiction that while you can address hell and demons with impunity, viewers/readers would be "offended" if anyone tried to depict heaven. That's garbage, and I'm glad Kripke's series is "going there." He has even given heaven a political structure! And even angels have to take the existence of God on faith — because only four angels have ever seen the face of God. That's wading in with both feet!

Mark Rolston is playing lead baddie Alistair with a kind of soft-spoken Marlon Brando-inspired voice. (And when I hear the name Alistair I can't help thinking of the late PASSIONS...)

The major revelation of the night, however, was that Dean spent 40 years in hell (because time travels at a different rate Down There), and he finally told Sam what happened. He spent 30 years being "sliced and diced" by demons, and then was restored only to begin the torture all over again. Eventually, Alistair was able to tempt Dean into ending his suffering by letting someone else take his place on the rack. So the victim became the tormentor. Alistair even noted that Dean had promise as a demon. But now Dean faces a different kind of torture: the memory of what he did. "I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing," he told his brother.

Raw feelings were on display in spades on DIRTY SEXY MONEY. Brian desperately wanted Andrea to fight her cancer, but she felt content to try to live with the terminal diagnosis.Nick and Lisa were having trouble getting over their separation, and in classic soap fashion, Lisa jumped to the wrong conclusion after learning Nick was talking to Karen in his office. Lisa tracked Karen to a charity ball and took a swing at her! The two mixed it up in an all-too-brief catfight before Nate literally jumped into the fray and separated them. He was brave to get between those two hellcats!

On the subject of catfights, nobody tell Mala, but I gave her treasured NCIS a pass the other night because I had the impression from promos Brenda and Kelly were going to tangle on the refurbished (but not improved) 90210. But instead of hair-pulling, I saw peer-pressure angst and product placement run amok. In fact, the products weren't so much placed as they co-starred in the episode — complete with loving closeups. That one...texting device (no, I'm not pimping it here) almost had enough airtime to compile an Emmy reel. Shame the actual humans did not fare quite so well. Dethroned Queen Bee Naomi was reduced to playing gopher for some mean girls. Meanwhile, Annie hated being a Queen Bee and dressed up like a giant Wildcat. Tabitha's story about Jean-Luc and the chihuahua completed the animal theme. If you ask me, the TV in the writers' room must have been tuned to Animal Planet that week. So where was my catfight, huh? The old pals had a pretty good verbal sparring match, in which Brenda pointed out they have had nothing in common since high school. Then Brenda, who was performing in Macbeth, fell off the stage and broke her arm, precipitating the confession that she slept with Ryan. Apparently Kelly didn't want to take on a one-armed foe, because she sniffed, sighed and walked out. (Boo!) At least the episode ended with a good song: Death Cab for Cutie's "I Will Follow You Into the Dark."

That tune led nicely into the sinister FRINGE, which opened with a musical prodigy being kidnapped by a mysterious woman who uses flashing colored lights to disable her victims. Luckily, Walter once did some investigation into creating a system of flashing lights that would hypnotize consumers into buying products. The advertising firm that commissioned Walter's work was never identified, but we just know it was Sterling Cooper, right?! Walter got to get out of the lab and do some field work — by returning to St. Claire's mental hospital to get information from a former fellow inmate.

This story gave John Noble a chance to really emote and widen his performance, and he really took advantage of the opportunity to grow in his portrayal of Walter. Strangely, he seemed more lucid inside the asylum, becoming almost a voice of reason. But Noble effectively transformed Walter's body language into a beaten-down, broken prisoner the moment he heard the gates slam. Walter had to go inside because fellow inmate Dashiell Kim was declared 10-27 — "criminally insane with knowledge of state secrets." After getting back out, a gravely serious Walter recalled his struggle to get through to the brain-addled Dashiell, and asked Peter a heartbreaking question: "Is that what it's like to talk to me?"

Finally, I want to mention LIFE, which, the last I checked, is now scheduled for Wednesdays at 9 o'clock. It's totally worth the detective work to track down this quirky cop series. When you find it, your reward will be to watch the burgeoning opposites-attract romance between hottie detective Dani Reese (Sarah Shahi) and lumpy Captain Tidwell (Donal Logue). This week their halting courtship took two steps forward: They went to dinner — and the shooting range. And the gunplay-as-foreplay scene was hot! While standing in close proximity, each took a turn firing the other's weapon, then they holstered each other's guns. Good thing their beepers went off before there were any...er, misfires.

November 18, 2008
Leave it to GOSSIP GIRL to return to the roots of Thanksgiving, as an exercise in lying and manipulation. Only Blair could utter a line like, "It's Thanksgiving, and we have nothing to be thankful for!" and make it sound endearing. (Of course, the fact that Blair is played by the preternaturally pretty Leighton Meester makes pretty much everything she says tolerable.)

But most of all, Thanksgiving is a time for family, which for Blair means sharing time with her mother's new guy. Wallace Shawn continued to delight as Cyrus Rose, here analyzing the cinnamon/nutmeg ratio in Blair's beloved holiday pie. A father figure of a far different sort also appeared: Howard Archibald, Nate's dad (who prefers to be called "The Captain") came back to town with a crazy plan to get back on his feet by holding his family ransom. The series' designated "cool dad," Rufus (He loans out box collections from bands like The Pixies, so we know he's cool), played the "I love you card," and insisted he would let her emancipate herself — but refused to sign the incorporation papers? Why not let his daughter start a business rather than live on the streets? Can no one parent on this show? Oh, I forgot, it's teen-oriented, so...No. Hey, at least Blair's prodigal Daddy, Harold (John Shea), came back. That made B. smile.

I always love it when Chuck has a chance to loom menacingly and spout dastardly lines like, "You have my word — for whatever that's worth." I love how he has a maid shave him with a straight razor. (I'm going institute that practice myself, as soon as I get a straight razor. And a maid.) And I love how he opened up Bart's safe to spill all of bad dad's secrets. (See? Parents just don't understand!) It was kind of hard not to notice the wardrobe this week. At one point, Blair was wearing a dress that made her look like a walking leaf pile. And what's shorter than a microminiskirt? I don't know, but Serena and Jenny were wearing them. And Vanessa is really making a play for center stage by ditching the nice girl act and manipulating the Nate/J. relationship. Folks, don't leave your mail on the kitchen counter when company comes ‘round!

There's one last thing I have to ask: What kind of FBI agent lets three teenagers decide the fate of an international fugitive? Sure, Nate eventually talked the Captain into surrendering himself, but that's not the kind of crime-solving that gets one assigned to the task force on FRINGE or the BAU on CRIMINAL MINDS.

Speaking of criminal, what was up with HEROES? I have been pretty stubbornly championing this series this fall, even though it has been kinda...well, unsteady. But even I couldn't really recommend last night's installment. I thought it was going to be about an eclipse that takes away powers — except it wasn't. It actually wasn't really about much of anything. The story seemed to be marking time. If HEROES really were the comic book it aspires to be, we'd call this a "fill-in issue," meaning a substitute creative team came in told an essentially unrelated tale just to make sure the comic came out that month. The only information of value was the reveal that Claire's "specialness" probably stems from having the catalyst in her blood — but how that connects to activating powers in other people is a mystery. Oh, and Sylar/Gabriel absorbed Elle's power without killing her. (He did that once before, with Claire, but she doesn't count as "surviving" him since she cannot die.) And Hiro is 10 again. Well, at least he's having fun...

November 17, 2008
This was the week for the usually stomach-churning food competition on THE AMAZING RACE. The racers found themselves in Kazakhstan (the world's largest landlocked country), and I don't know if this was due to Kazakhstan's litigious nature ever since the Borat movie, or the presence of the gyrating belly-dancers, but the grotesqueness of the meal (at least to coddled American palates) was strangely downplayed. The local...er, delicacy would be described as the fat from the hindquarters of a sheep. The twist here was that the eating challenge was a Fast Forward, so not everyone had to play. And not everyone did — vegetarian Terence was horrified to discover the challenge involved eating meat. He hadn't touched the stuff in 15 years, and couldn't bring himself to eat a plate — even for a shot at $1 million. But I couldn't help wondering why he even bothered to eat a couple of forkfuls. I mean, doesn't that ruin all those years of sacrifice? And I didn't see Terence ask, but surely RACE producers would have allowed for an alternate "local delicacy?" Meanwhile, other racers had to search a chicken farm for golden eggs and don a two-part cow costume and drink milk. (Apparently there were no problems with lactose intolerance.) Only Toni and Dallas really had any fun with the pantomime cow costume (dancing and merrily mooing along), and the outfit was almost, but not quite, the undoing of Ken and Tina. (Darn!) Terence and Sarah could not overcome the loss of time from having to abandon the Fast Forward, and found themselves bounced.

For some reason, I cannot completely bounce on TRUE BLOOD. It's just barely interesting enough to keep me coming back — although I know folks who absolutely love it. This week I enjoyed seeing the process of turning someone into a vampire (which the vamps themselves don't even understand) when Bill had to turn Jessica. The episode was titled "To Love is to Bury," and that's because tyro vamp and maker have to be buried to make the switch. Formerly repressed Jessica came out of the ground eager to cuss, kill and strip. But drink TrueBlood? Not so much. And why is BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's Admiral Cain trolling the local drunk tank?

Continuing back in time (and on a supernatural bent)... Having Melinda's husband Jim die on GHOST WHISPERER could have been just another jump-the-shark gimmick (and, truth to tell, it still may become one), but so far it has been interesting. Jim flatly refuses to cross over despite Melinda's pleas, so he's becoming something of an otherworldly stalker. The show examines Jim's death by having Melinda help the daughter of the trigger-happy cop who capped Jim. Turned out Detective Neely was consumed with guilt over the death of his daughter from anorexia. Ladle on Jim's tormenting his wife out of love, and we get the following theme: "We always hurt the ones we love." Jim ended the episode with a desperate gamble: He possessed the body of a recently killed man with just one side effect: The "revivified" Jim doesn't remember/recognize Melinda. Methinks it ain't just "soap amnesia."

From the "I remember you" file, GENERAL HOSPITAL's own Giselle, Tamlyn Tomita, returned to the STARGATE universe when manipulative IOC operative Shen Xiaoyi paid her first visit to the Pegasus Galaxy on this week's STARGATE: ATLANTIS. Tomita makes for a nicely oily bureaucrat. And her self-serving character contrasts with her former role as the upstanding Laurel Takashima in the BABYLON 5 universe.

Character names can so often be dull, but one of the things I really like about SUPERNATURAL is the careful thought that goes into naming even incidental characters. It's fun to identify the source of the fake names Sam and Dean use each week — are they shout-outs to bands or movies? This week the boys met a young woman who can hear the conversations of angels, and she was named Anna Milton, an obvious reference to poet John Milton, whose 1667 epic Paradise Lost dealt with the fall of Lucifer — the Big Bad whom Lillith is trying to free. Couple that with all the references to the Book of Revelations, and viewers come away with quite a reading list. (BTW, the 12-part Paradise Lost is really worth the effort.)

November 12, 2008

"The edge is where we live. All of us; all the time."
—Vic, THE SHIELD

FRINGE wasted no time making the audience cringe with its opening sequence, which featured a graphic depiction of a chest operation, including grotesque views of slicing the chest and spreading the ribs (complete with sound effects). After that display I was almost relieved to see the giant parasitic worm curled around the victim's heart. And how creepy was it that the creature made a purring sound? I was glad to see Walter did not work on such parasitic entities back in the old days — but he did claim to accidentally fry the deceased Jimmy Hoffa's brain by hooking it up to his communicate-with-the-dead contraption. Who says dead men tell no tales? Between Walter quizzing corpses and talking to coma victims, no secret is safe. (As long as the head is still attached to the body.)

Series co-creator and LOST honcho J.J. Abrams penned this script (along with LOST producer Jeff Pinkner), which featured lots of ALIAS-style international intrigue, and yet another old flame/co-worker for Olivia who, it turns out, speaks fluent German. (We viewers weren't let in on the gag — if any — because there were no subtitles.) When Olivia demanded more information from Broyles, he scowled and told her she always dissatisfied. "You could get a million answers and still have a million-and-one questions." Was he talking about the Pattern — or LOST?

Over on THE SHIELD, Vic's plot is so complicated it makes THE WIRE look like a simple paint-by-numbers project. Could his endgame be more daring than double- and triple-crossing blackmailers and drug cartels and government agents? Shane couldn't possibly make a bigger mess of things than he has already, and yet there are two episodes left.

My colleague Mala has been singing the praises of NCIS a lot lately, so I decided to check back in with the show. Gibbs and crew were investigating the case of a gang that robbed a bank in Quantico (home of the FBI Academy) and then burned the money. The case was intriguing, but it was the character bits that really held my interest. The way DiNozzo's back went up when Ziva noticed hunky new recruit Wilson. Wilson also caused angst for Gibbs, who wondered if he can trust his judgment after messing up the last time a newbie was brought in. Or did he? Evidence surfaced that maybe Langer was not a traitor. Maybe Agent Lee is actually dirty! What is this — introspection and interpersonal relationships (But no Gibbs/Abby moments!) on a CBS procedural? This bears further investigation...

Monday's HEROES was one of those special episodes that the series does well. This was a retroactive-continuity, or retcon episode that filled in blank spots and explained how newly revealed scenes fit in with previously seen events. So, we learned: (deep breath) Firebugs Meredith and Flint are siblings who were captured/recruited by Thompson; Meredith caused the train fire seen in the series premiere; Elle and partner H.R.G. prodded Gabriel into becoming a merciless killer; Sylar's "base" power was telekenisis; Linderman caused the accident that crippled Heidi as a warning to Nathan to stop investigating Linderman's business. (I thought Linderman was originally funding Nathan's campaign?); and Angela poisoned Arthur. I liked this episode a lot because stuff happened — but I would still like to see the run-of-the-mill installments be more interesting. HEROES could start by killing off some extraneous characters. I have a Hit List if creator Tim Kring is interested. ..

The best parts of GOSSIP GIRL can be summed up in two words: Wallace Shawn. In his best role since The Princess Bride's Vizzini, Shawn played Cyrus Rose, the froglike prince of Eleanor's heart. Of course Blair didn't like him. Echoing Vizzini's rule about land wars in Asia, Cyrus noted "getting into a war [with Blair] wouldn't result in victory." He eventually won her heart with his wits, and his tale of tragic True Love (or was it "Twu Wuv"?) And, he booked Cyndi Lauper to perform at her 18th birthday party. It was just inconceivable to me that the script didn't find a way to make Cyrus shout "Inconceivable!" Oh, that reminds me: There was something else good about the episode: Chuck bought his father a luxury box for Ranger games! But Bart actually refused it. What!? Inconceivable!

Apparently Melinda has learned nothing from all her years as a GHOST WHISPERER. There she was, bubbling about being so happy and starting a family with Jim and making all those plans. Was it any wonder the drama gods would slap her down? Now we know who was missing a shadow back in last season's finale. Bam! Jim got shot by Detective Neely. Bam! An embolism killed him while Melinda slept nearby. But she is a ghost whisperer, so Jim's shade tried to comfort her. But I don't think it will be that easy. And since this is GHOST WHISPERER, Jim isn't going anywhere soon...

November 6, 2008
Last night's DIRTY SEXY MONEY featured that rarest of soap commodities: characters acting rationally! (Okay, with some ulterior motives mixed in...) Nick advised Tripp — who was devastated that Karen is marrying rival Simon Elder — to disinherit his daughter in order to block Simon from seizing control of Darling Enterprises. And (shockingly) he did it! In fact, Tripp convinced all the Darling offspring to shun Karen. Of course, I'm not sure if all this was part of the master plan that had Karen pretending to be a traitor to the family to begin with...

Which points out a glaring weakness with DSM — it's a bit hard to follow. The family relationships are every bit as complicated as any other soaps', but the schemes are much more convoluted. Take the murder trial. Letitia is on trial for murdering Nick's father, who was secretly her lover. Nick compelled pseudo-brother Jeremy to cop to copping feels from Nola, the prosecutor, thus getting the charges dropped for prosecutorial misconduct. But wait, it turned out Jeremy was being pimped by Mama Letitia, just as Karen was being pimped by Tripp. And Jeremy claimed to fall in love with his mark, just as Karen did. (Or did she?) But wait, that's not all — Nola was secretly working for... Simon! Aha! I mean...huh?

The best line of the entire night came from the other convoluted storyline of Brian's fight with Andrea for custody of their son. When informed that he needed to give a stool sample for medical tests, Brian fumed at his ex: "First you move my son to South America, and now you've got me pooping in a cup. Kudos."

The reworked theme song for the reimagined KNIGHT RIDER basically sums up the entire series: It the same old thing, jazzed up with some new beeps and twittering. Or, to put it in automotive terms, it's a retread. Executive producer Gary Scott Thompson (LAS VEGAS) has taken the premise of a super-sophisticated car that fights crime and given it a fresh coat of paint — but it's basically the same thing. Thompson even hired a soap star to drive the Knight Industries Three Thousand. ALL MY CHILDREN's erstwhile Jamie, Justin Bruening, plays Mike Tracer, the son of the man who used to drive the Knight Industries Two Thousand, Michael Knight, played by David Hasselhoff (ex-Snapper, YOUNG AND RESTLESS). Sure, some of the details have changed — Mike is ably assisted by Sarah Graiman (Deanna Russo, ex-Logan, Y&R), the daughter of the man who designed KITT (which, thanks to modern economic realities, is a Ford Mustang instead of a Trans Am) — but it still boils down to a dude and his kick-ass car fight crime. Only with better effects and acting.

The two-hour pilot movie was kinda... "eh," and subsequent episodes haven't really held my interest. But last night my beloved PUSHING DAISIES was uprooted in favor of the odious DANCING WITH THE STARS, so I started channel surfing. Until I saw HEROES' Claire Bennet kissing TORCHWOOD's Capt. Jack Harkness! Now, there's no reason in the universe why Jack wouldn't mack on Claire, but this turned out to be two characters from KNIGHT RIDER wearing Halloween costumes. And it was almost like the writer knew which costumes would catch my attention: Smith Cho's Zoe in a sexed-up version of Claire's season one cheerleader uniform and Paul Campbell's Billy wearing the suspenders favored by the immortal, time-traveling Jack. The plot concerned an attempt to steal KITT's personality files by activating "his" self-destruct program. However, what was interesting was not the overly complicated idea of having an agent undergo plastic surgery to resemble Zoe and plant a false voice print at the scene of the crime (don't ask!), but rather the reason for stealing KITT's personality: so it could be uploaded into KARR! KARR, or Knight Automated Roving Robot, was a prototype for KITT that turned evil in the original 1980s series. After two appearances it was assumed destroyed, but now we know KITT's opposite number is still out there. Hey, what if a mind-controlled Michael Knight were recruited to drive KARR this time? Hmm...

November 4, 2008
I hope everyone gets out and makes your voices heard today. It doesn't matter whom you're supporting — just do it! You surrender the right to complain if you don't participate. (And what's better than complaining, right?)

Last night I elected to watch GOSSIP GIRL, in which Blair was desperately trying to get accepted to Yale by sucking up to a big donor. Then Serena volunteered B. to babysit the patrician's daughter. Wouldn't you know it — little Emma was hell in high heels, and bound and determined to lose her virginity on Blair's watch. (Well, not while she was watching, exactly...) "Emma is less Holly Hobby, more Jenna Jameson," B. wailed to S. The impressionable Emma ran into evil incarnate: "Chuck Bass," she said. "I heard about you on Gossip Girl. You're, like, the devil!" Nothing could have made him prouder! And he almost took the (jail)bait — but nobody uses Chuck Bass; he uses others! So he was hardly being noble. And the increasingly desperate Nate was not much better, with his macking on Little J. Dan flipped and went running to Vanessa for advice on dealing with his sister dating — all the while remaining stupidly blind to Vanessa's feelings.

Little J. wanted to stage a guerrilla fashion show at a society event, and the targeted soirée just happened to be a blue-blood bash honoring Lillian and Bartholomew Bass. The edgy fashion show was a hit with everyone except Rufus — who actually ratted out his daughter to the police! Lily intervened and refused to press charges, but the damage was done. Jenny hit the road. Meanwhile, Dan felt he blew his shot at joining S. and B. at Yale — and, feeling overshadowed by his little sister, he returned to writing the Chuck Bass exposé in an effort to get some attention. Attention was all Emma wanted from her mother, but Elizabeth just had dismissals like, "No wonder I don't want to spend time with you!" That monstrous statement so shocked Blair that she suddenly decided not to use a blackmail photo — of Elizabeth cheating on her husband — to get into Yale. Impressed by Blair's caring, Emma put in a good word with the dean, who said, "Yale could really use a girl like Blair Waldorf!" Raise your hand if you recognized that line from Risky Business, where it was, "Princeton could really use a guy like Joel." Nice to see the classics are still viewed. And did you also notice how GG managed to slip in an abstinence message without sounding preachy? It went something like this: Don't mistake self-loathing for something else.

I detected more than a little self-loathing on ONE TREE HILL. Why was Peyton hiding the truth that she used to live with Julian? Surely she couldn't have believed Lucas would never find out? Are we supposed to believe Owen the bartender-turned-slamball-star would ply Brooke with gifts for weeks and only wise up when she freaked out at his naked advances? Finally, are we supposed to believe Nathan never told that story about playing one-on-one with Michael Jordan? He's been a hoops player all his life, yet sits on the tale of facing off against the greatest player in history? (Heck, I tell everyone about simply meeting hockey gods Mark Messier and Adam Graves. Had we ever taken up sticks, well...)

I thought the problem behind Lucas' trouble writing his uncle's death scene was obvious — and the answer should have been clear to a professional novelist. Still, it was worth it to see him take a shovel to the ugliest, most obnoxious tombstone in the world. Also overly obvious: Nathan getting smashed through the glass after the slamball game. What is it with that guy and plate glass? But what am I getting roiled up about — this is ONE TREE HILL, Home of the Storyline Anvil.

One more thing: Yes, that [i]was[/i] Camryn Grimes (ex-Cassie, YOUNG AND RESTLESS) in Friday's GHOST WHISPERER, playing Diane, the vengeful spirit of a girl who was switched at birth with her best friend — played by Mika Boorem (ex-Harley, DAWSON'S CREEK). So not only was the plot lifted from soaps, so were the gals!

Remember: Get out there and VOTE!