January 27, 2009
"Omigod, we're on the set of GENERAL HOSPITAL!" That was the cry as the gang from THE BACHELOR rolled up to the soundstage for a tour. The group then "ran into" Bradford Anderson and Kirsten Storms playing out a fake scene. From there, it unfolded pretty much as Bradford explained it to me (in the current issue of Weekly — buy yours now!): The girls got to play out soap-inspired scenes with Jason as imaginary characters that had nothing to do with GH beyond the hospital and penthouse sets. Even allowing for the fact that everyone was an amateur, the "acting" was ridiculously over-the-top, which I found interesting because it showed how the women perceive soaps: as wildly melodramatic and ridiculous. Their movements and line readings were like a high school play, and the show didn't help by layering on laughable music. Some of the women got to kiss Jason and some didn't, according to what was in their scripts. (Storms advised: "No tongues; that's a filming rule.") Those who did made the most of it, practically chewing poor Jason's face off. (I'm looking at you, Naomi and Megan.) The women in the offcamera, peanut gallery laughed and sniped and fretted over the kissing. One thing ABC did right was to advertise GH during the break. The slick spot made the soap look dramatic and mature, rivaling anything currently in ABC's prime-time lineup. (GREY'S ANATOMY has Ghost Denny? GH has ghost Alan!)

Renee was well on her way to becoming a ghost on 24, when Bill and Chloe dug her up and revived her with an adrenaline shot (that was nothing like what happened in Pulp Fiction). Bill reassured her by saying, "We're working with Jack." Of course she can't call in because of the mole in the FBI. Later, when she met up with Jack again, "You shot me and buried me alive," she sneered, before asking if just four people can stop Dubaku's mad scheme. "We have to," Jack sighed. "It's as simple as that." And that perfectly sums up the 24 universe. During his testimony before the Senate, Jack pointed out that he stepped up and did what (he figured) he had to do to solve problems when nobody else would. This has been a recurring theme: Jack acts because no one else will. While terrorists are using the CIP device to crash airliners, the politicians are wringing hands and debating, but Jack and his intrepid crew are boots on the ground, knee-deep in bad guy guts. Speaking of the politicians, Cherry Jones had some good scenes as President Taylor wrestled with whether to meet Dubaku's demands to save American lives. "This country does not negotiate with terrorists!" she snarled, while Mark Derwin's Secretary of State Joe Stevens flipped out and quit in protest. The president's anguish and speech rallying the troops was just one example of how this episode balanced heavy exposition (including the revelation of how Emerson faked Tony's death and extracted him from CTU) with lots of bloodshed. The subplot with first gentleman Roger continued to be completely lurid: A paralyzed Roger watched as Agent Gedge brutally knifed Samantha in the back and left her in a growing pool of blood. Then Roger killed the guy with his bare hands (apparently, parts of him were beginning to become unparalyzed...)! The episode ended with Dubaku targeting a chemical plant in Ohio, putting 18,000 lives at risk. Can Jack get there in time?

Hannah/Belle had a bit of a crisis of her own to deal with on SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL this week: She wrestled with having cosmetic surgery (or "professional development") and whether to take on Bambi as a formal protégé. The eager young newbie left Belle feeling the years and even more insecure about her body and her social life. Hannah decided to go on a date with Alex, the guy she met in her Belle persona, and was having a good time until a crisis with Bambi forced Hannah to realize once again that Belle and Hannah should not mix. "You can't let the job change you," Belle said, as she decided against getting implants.

This week's episode of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA will be remembered as the one in which Admiral Adama and President Roslin finally gave in to their long-simmering passions and hooked up. They probably figured that after the debacle with Earth, the open rebellion and near-anarchy sweeping the fleet (the tylium-refinery ship Hitei Kan actually jumped away, taking all the fuel with it!), they have nothing left to lose. "Maybe tomorrow isn't really coming," she reasoned. "Maybe today is all we have." Plus, most folks probably assumed they were already getting it on. This episode also had major developments for families: Caprica Six was confirmed as pregnant by Saul Tigh, marking the first-ever Cylon/Cylon reproduction; and Galen Tyrol discovered he is not the father of his late wife Cally's son, Nicky. The daddy is Viper pilot Brendan "Hot Dog" Costanza (FYI, played by Bodie Olmos, real-life son of the admiral himself, Edward James Olmos). This was a big episode for Doc Cottle: He that revealed that abortion is illegal in the fleet, so Cally had the baby, and Hot Dog did not know he is the father. When a shocked Saul asked for a drink while looking at the ultrasound of his child, Cottle offered him a cigarette instead, claiming it was better for him. Despite that obvious humor, things look bleak for the rag-tag fleet. Vice President Tom Zerak (played by the original Apollo, Richard Hatch) is whipping up anti-Cylon bigotry to further his own political ambitions. Baltar is stirring up his religious followers and clearly shows signs of beginning to drink his own Kool-Aid. And Mr. Gaeta seems to be plotting mutiny and organizing on Galactica. Which is odd, since he was a Cylon collaborator on New Caprica. And just when the fleet appears to be growing more discontent with Cylons, Adama and Roslin want to align more closely with them, including adapting toaster technology to improve the fleet's engines. And the renegade Cylons? All they're demanding is full citizenship in the fleet!

January 23, 2009
I have been waiting all winter for BURN NOTICE to return to USA for the second half of its second season, and it was worth the wait. Former spy Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan, ex-Dwayne, ANOTHER WORLD) survived the bomb planted at his door in the midseason finale — but only just barely. The story wasted no time propelling the wounded Michael directly into a car chase, and then he was back to his old tricks in no time: While running for his own life, he took time out to save a man from committing suicide! Michael's brush with death really affected him this time. He decided to stop running and surrendered to Carla (played by Tricia Helfer, Six, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA), and the two of them got into an uncharacteristic screaming match. We never saw Michael get so emotional last season; normally he is as cool as the other side of the pillow. But there he was shouting at Carla, demanding, "I want my life back!" But Carla clearly had her own problems. She was back on her heels (and not the fashionable Jimmy Choo kind); she seemed to be on the run from someone (probably the people who tried to blow up Michael), losing her power (running out of henchmen) and clearly frightened. Still, a hero is a hero, and Michael took the case of that would-be suicide, who was despondent after being taken in a medical scam. The fake-drug operation involved head baddie Rachel, played by Stacy Haiduk (ex-Hannah, ALL MY CHILDREN), and her enforcer, Todd, portrayed by Graham Shiels (Cody, GENERAL HOSPITAL; Liam, TRUE BLOOD). In contrast to tough-guy Cody, Todd had a practical streak for avoiding physical harm during interrogation. In one of this week's "how to" spy lessons, Michael explained to viewers the methodology behind effective torture: "Violence perceived is violence achieved." Meaning, it's better to keep your victim scared and guessing what you're going to do rather than having him screaming in pain from actually doing it. Sam intimidated Todd into talking by cutting his own finger with a big knife. (Which is typical of this show: Sam was the one who ended up needing a Band-Aid after "torturing" a guy. Another cool thing we learned is that chlorinated water conducts electricity well enough to short out listening devices — which is why Rachel insisted on meeting Michael and Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar) in a hot tub. In addition to foiling surveillance, the scene also gave Haiduk and Anwar an excuse to show off their rock-hard abs in a bikini catfight. Did I mention I've been waiting all winter for this show to come back?

You know I would never miss an episode of SUPERNATURAL that featured a magic tarot deck! Barry Bostwick played the Incredible Jay, a washed-up magician who appeared to be using real magic to stage a comeback. A death-transference spell keyed to tarot cards was helping him survive fatal stage tricks by…er, "transferring" the death to someone else. In the first case, Jay was able to survive being stabbed by sharp spikes because a rival magician suffered the wounds after being slipped the 10 of Swords tarot card, which depicts a man pierced by…well, 10 swords. The 10 of Swords is the closest thing to a card that predicts physical death. (Remember, the actual Death card refers to a transformation and/or change in circumstances, not physically dying.) After Jay survived an onstage hanging, another rival was found hanged to death with the Hanged Man card nearby. Interestingly, The Hanged Man (which shows a man hanging upside down, suspended by his right foot) indicates that a person will receive knowledge/achieve a goal only after a great hardship. In other words, it has nothing to do with death, even though it features a guy hanging from a noose. Even more interestingly, the show chose to use a version of the tarot known as the "Rider-Waite" deck, however, they could have selected the "Tarot of the 78 Doors," a deck in which the Hanged Man is illustrated by a magician hanging upside down to perform a water escape! Jay's fellow magician Charlie was revealed to be using the spells on Jay without his knowledge. Charlie died holding the Magician card, which can indicate a charlatan or deceitful person; Charlie certainly was a con man! In the end, it was unclear if the cards themselves were powered or just the means Charlie used to focus his spells; probably the latter, otherwise Jay never would have left them with the barmaid, right? Talk about a tip!

January 22, 2009
Based on some comments from my friends, I've come to the conclusion that, as a science-fiction fan, I'm much more tolerant of time-travel element of LOST that seems to frustrate so many other fans. Thanks to timeline-manipulating shows like DOCTOR WHO and QUANTUM LEAP and movies like 12 Monkeys, I have absolutely no hesitation suspending my disbelief and following the adventures of the island denizens. I think some people forget that LOST is an SF show that boasts complex characters and wonderful drama. Much like BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, that drama is so compelling that it's easy to forget we're watching shows about spaceships with FTL drives and mysterious tropical islands that rely on smoke monsters and polar bears. If more people would remember this and just accept and even embrace the time jumping rather than merely tolerate it, they won't feel so personally adrift trying to catch up. As the Doctor himself is fond of saying, Time is made up of "wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey" stuff, so it's best not to think about it too much and enjoy the ride.

Having said that, last night's season premiere of LOST abandoned the usual one-person-specific time-jumping format and followed everyone as they hopscotched back-and-forth and hither-and-yon along the timestream. I don't have the space to provide a good recap of events, so I'll simply adopt a bullet format to note some interesting stuff…

•Season five began like Season two, with a wake-up routine and playing a record. But this time it was Dr. Chang/Marvin Candle, instead of Desmond.
•Fans actually got to see what happened to those on the island when Ben moved it. There was another "white event," and the people became unstuck in time, bouncing forward and back, seemingly at random (Richard seemed to know what time zone Locke was headed to.)
•Hurley's distillation of the previous four seasons was actually pretty accurate, if goofy, and gave Jorge Garcia a chance to do some real acting, as Hugo showed remorse.
•Faraday did a good job explaining things in layman's terms. Noting that Time is like a street — You can go forward and back, but you cannot build a new street — was easy to visualize and, comparing the island to a record was also easy to grasp, and played into the recurring theme of seeing people play albums. (Note to the kids out there: Those big, flat, black disks used to be called long-playing albums or "LPs.") The island is a record on turntable, and the record is skipping because what Ben did dislodged the island in time.
•Faraday recognized that Charlotte's nosebleed was a sign of the impending brain aneurysm that kills time travelers who lose the ability to differentiate the past from the present from the future. Faraday contacted Desmond, who is his "Constant" - someone who exists in both time zones and serves as a sort of anchor — and tells him to go back to Oxford and find his mother. Sadly, he doesn't get the chance to give him her name. Could it be…Ms. Hawking?
•Fun cameos: Hugo hallucinated being pulled over by Anna Lucia, who gave a shout-out to Libby, and Locke ran into Ethan.
•Ben pretty much implied to Jack that the island can heal Locke.
•Best lines of the night: Sawyer slapped Faraday, then warned Charlotte: "Shut it, Ginger, or you're getting one, too!" Later, the ragin' Cajun demanded Faraday tell him, "So when are we now, whiz kid?" Hurley to Sayid: "Maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn't go around shooting people." And, finally, Hurley summed up this season's thesis: "We never should have left that island!"

Fox debuted an interesting and fun new series opposite the LOST juggernaut: LIE TO ME follows Dr. Cal Lightman (played by frequent big-screen villain Tim Roth), a specialist in human behavior who can decode facial expressions and body language with such precision that it is impossible to lie to him. The show's tagline is, "The truth is written on all our faces." That's because real-world scientific studies have determined that so-called "microexpressions" are universal to every person on Earth, so whether you are a New York socialite or a Australian Aboriginal, you give off the exact same nonverbal cues when telling a lie. It's not what you say, it's what you try to hide that betray your true feelings. It was undeniably fun to glean lie-detecting skills from the show, and I cannot wait to try them out for real:

•If you appear to be surprised for more than a single second, you're faking it.
•Liars don't always avoid eye contact; sometimes they make more because they want to see if their lies are being accepted.
•Your hands get cold because blood leaves the extremities to go to your legs in preparation to run.
•In male liars, the nose itches, because it contains erectile tissue.
•People break eye contact when recalling legitimate memories; liars maintain their gaze while making it.
•Liars rehearse their stories in order; if you ask them to repeat a sequence of events backward, they will struggle. LIE TO ME deserves an audience, and I hope it can find one opposite LOST.

The most-anticipated new series return for me was FRINGE, which is doing a good job of finding an audience opposite the much-ballyhooed THE MENTALIST. FRINGE picked up with the kidnapped Olivia deftly freeing herself from her not-so-mysterious captors, took evidence, shot a guy, hid the blood vials and paused to sob — all of which showed some personality, some color that has been sorely lacking in her character until now. Liv has been a dull gray while all around her were allowed to blossom into vividly quirky characters. Met her sister Rachel and niece Ella. She cooked for and supported her sis. She showed real passion while interrogating Loeb, delighted in telling him she'd killed his wife. That's personality, and Liv had been sorely lacking. If she is going to continue as the focal character of the series, she's going to need this personality transplant. Another important element is the recurring villain, so it was good (if completely expected) to see Mitchell Loeb was the kidnapper. (Olivia recognized his shoes.) Anna Torv and Trini Alvarado staged a pretty intense girlfight (no hair-pulling) before Liv gave Samantha a third eye. We also got to see Sanford Harris, the guy Olivia prosecuted for sexual harassment, but, unfortunately, he was playing the stereotypical role of the officious internal affairs-type with an axe to grind who is suddenly in charge of investigating the person he has a vendetta against. On the plus side, his conversation with Olivia succinctly recapped the series so far. Yes, that was Steven Schnetzer (ex-Cass Winthrop, AS THE WORLD TURNS, GUIDING LIGHT and ANOTHER WORLD) playing Dr. Miles Kinberg, the teacher who died when the huge virus crawled out of his throat. And wasn't that an ingenious idea for a script: Bad guys who supersize the common cold to kill epidemiologists. I'm glad Olivia got some time in the spotlight, but we need to see more wacky Walter next week!

January 20, 2009
Well, the holiday means we have a lot to catch up on, and, since we've inaugurated a new president today on a "change" platform, I will try to change and be uncharacteristically brief. Well, with each show, at least.

GOSSIP GIRL opened with a GILMORE GIRLS shout-out from Blair (who scoffed that she was more suited for Yale than Rory), then segued into Bass Boys, as Chuck and Uncle Jack faced off in final battle. Chuck enlisted Lily, who found an unorthodox way to help him: adopt him, thereby cutting Jack out of the equation. But my favorite moment of the night came when Blair was justifying pulling a dirty trick on a teacher: "I can't not act out against people," she lamented.

24 viewers no doubt recognized Tonya Pinkins (ex-Livia, ALL MY CHILDREN) as Alama Matobo, and spotted Mark Derwin (ex-Ben, ONE LIFE TO LIVE) as Secretary of State Stevens. But the real story was Walker's continued descent into Jack's world. She wanted to keep doing whatever was necessary and worry about the consequences later. Walker appears to be the-powers-that-be's way of commenting on the previous six seasons of the series. Jack was an inveterate rule-breaker who was tolerated because he got results. But torture looks different when Walker is doing it, because she's a (relative) stranger. She's not out pal the way Jack is. We the viewers turn a blind eye to the inhumanity because we know Jack is the hero of a TV show. We don't feel the same way about Walker. However, lest one fear 24 has gone all soft and liberal, the Attorney General's office, which wants Walker to answer for torturing Tanner, is depicted as wanting to stand on ceremony and follow abstract rules at the expense of American lives and national security. So take that, President Obama, they seem to be saying. However, Walker appeared to be facing a terrible fate as Jack - after avoiding shooting Walker in the head — and Tony were forced to bury her. It was creepy to watch the guys toss dirt on her bleeding, plastic-covered "body." That final point-of-view shot was the capper.

After all that heavy thinking and philosophizing, it was time for some mindless garbage. And nothing is more mindlessly trashy than MOMMA'S BOYS. Mercifully, last night was the season finale, which saw the boys going on their final dates with the hopefuls their momma's selected for them. Except for Jojo, who ended up on a "date" with Khalood. The only date that was even remotely interesting was Michael taking Erica on the yacht, because she was weighed down by her "horrible" secret. Finally, she could take it no more and tearfully confessed, "I am the current Penthouse Pet of the Year. I'm sorry." He reacted with an angry glare, and then said, "Oh, my God. I need a drink," and went off on her, going so far as to curse at the poor girl! "I feel completely lied to," he fumed, leaving her alone and sobbing. Back at port, Erica took Lorraine to the beach for "privacy" (on a TV show). Shockingly, Lorraine was very understanding, and refused to turn her back on Erica. Then it was time for the boys to make their final selections. Rob listened to his mother ("Mommy knows best," Esther reminded) and picked Lauren, but Camilla was sure he would be calling her someday. Michael picked Amanda, ultimately choosing his connection with her over his mother's connection with Erica (who lamented her Penthouse past was a factor). In the last selection, Mindy spoke up and told Jojo to go home with his mother until he's ready for a real relationship. That struck a chord with him, and compelled him to stand up for himself and ask Mindy to "give it a shot." Momma Khalood (who insisted "none of these girls are good enough for you") was so angry that she didn't want to talk to the camera crew.

One of my favorite British imports, SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL, is back with its second season, and Billie Piper's Belle greeted fans with a fun "Welcome back, I've missed you," addressing the viewers directly, as she so often does. This season, our favorite strong women was back on her heels, reacting instead of acting: She was cornered by a tabloid "journalist" who wanted to pay her for her story of a tryst with a politician running for prime minister, and she mistook an innocent stranger for a client. Both of these cases illustrated her professional life infringing on her carefully constructed professional life. The journo had photos of Belle attending the christening of Hannah's nephew; and Hannah gave Alex her personal mobile (cell phone) number, even though she met him as "Belle." The christening was a fun riff on the climax of The Godfather, with Hannah's flashbacks to Belle's experience with the politician substituting for Michael Corleone settling all family business, LOL. Just to complicate matters, a young woman named Ashley seems to have attached herself to Belle, forcing her to act as a sort of de facto mentor. That cannot be good…

The final batch of new BATTLESTAR GALACTICA episodes debuted with jaw-dropping revelations and surprises, the chief being the identity of the enigmatic last member of the Final Five: Ellen Tigh. Oops! If only Saul hadn't killed her back in season three! Now what? The other shockers: The burned-out, radioactive husk of Earth was, indeed, once populated by the lost 13th tribe of Kobol - but it was a tribe of Cylons (and the Final Five lived there)! Kara apparently discovered her own corpse on Earth! And, finally, Dualla abruptly killed herself in a truly shocking twist.

When last seen in the summer finale, the rag-tag fleet of human survivors and their renegade Cylon allies were left standing on the radioactive sands of a blasted planet called Earth, which had been nuked about 2,000 years ago. This return was equally devastating. What are we viewers to make of the Kara Thrace situation? As she herself asked an incredulous Leoben, "What am I?" Well, we're starting to believe she really is the harbinger of death, as the Hybrid prophesied. It's possible that Roslin and Adama feel like they have led the human race to its doom. Roslin almost went catatonic ("I was wrong about everything," she groaned.), and Bill crawled back into a bottle, emerging only to once again cry over the corpse of one of his female officers (remember his grief over Sharon?) And, since everyone thinks Cally killed herself (when she was actually flushed out a launch tube by Tory); he must wonder what's up with all the suicides? "I let you down," the admiral sobbed. "I let everybody down." Then Saul let Bill down by refusing to be provoked into killing his friend.

When Kara was determined to search the ruins of Earth for answers, Leoben cautioned her, "You might not like what you find," which reminded me of Dr. Zaius' warning to Taylor in when he wanted to search the Forbidden Zone for answers in Planet of the Apes. Well, I for one want her to follow the trail wherever it leads. There was a creepy, nervous energy to the episode that keeps it moving at a great clip and feeling momentous. Katee Sackhoff (Kara) was quoted as saying that this episode would have been the series finale if the writers' strike had gone on longer. Luckily it didn't, because there are a frak-load of questions to be answered.

January 14, 2009
The moment the nation has been awaiting with bated breath is finally here. No, not the inauguration of President Barack Obama — the return of AMERICAN IDOL! Yes, the cultural and ratings phenomenon that I just don't get is back for an eighth go-round. The show opened with an ostensibly tear-jerking retrospective that traced the series from its premiere to last May's David vs. David finale, but instead of weeping I was scratching my head, asking, "Did they really decide it was worth paying a residual just to show the guy who threw water at Simon?" Oh, and I looked it up (so you don't have to)…those two unfamiliar faces were Fantasia and Jordin Sparks, who apparently did real well a few seasons back.

The premiere is always about the auditions, and AI wasted little time getting the freak show up and running. Events kicked off with the (now) quartet of judges giving the thumbs-down to a guy in a giant wig. He claimed to be genuinely surprised that his tap-dancing Michael Jackson tribute didn't thrill the judges. What a way for newbie Kara DioGuardi to get her feet wet! Tattooed Emily got a videotaped home visit — a sure tip-off that she would be moving on and, yep, she's going to Hollywood. In contrast to her, we saw the self-styled "Rocker in a Box" Randy, a bandanna-sporting self-taught rocker whom Simon called "wimpy." That made Randy cry. But he really betrayed his motives by emphasizing that he wanted people to hear his "story"— not his "singing" — which means he was trying to get by on sympathy. That sort of begging and appealing to emotion would become a theme.

Paula and Simon made a show of feuding right off, but they united when a really nervous Michael stepped up to do his impression of The Lord of the Rings' Golem as an AI contestant. That signaled the opening of the floodgates opened for the deliberate attention-seekers. I've had an AI producer (who shall remain nameless) tell me directly that he truly believes the überhorrible people honestly believe they have a chance to win. Well, I honestly do not agree. I think a certain sort of person goes to auditions and deliberately performs badly just to get on TV and get attention. Think about it: the middling people are never on; it's only the really good ones and the really bad ones. In fact, a truly horrible performance will get seen over and over and over. Why, it's better than YouTube!

In stark contrast to the desperate were people like Stevie Wright (named after Stevie Nicks), who had the right stuff, and Arianna. Katrina Darrell, dubbed "Bikini Girl," got Simon and Randy's attention, and then got Kara's dander up, by engaging in a vocal catfight. The hopeful knockout actually had pretty good…er, lungs, and her appearance split the panel along gender lines. After a tussle in which Katrina hurled attitude while Paula held Kara back, the bathing beauty was ticketed to Hollywood. Katrina vowed to "make out" with Ryan if she qualified, and the poor guy couldn't have acted more horrified if she'd threatened to hit him across the face with an iron. While Bikini Girl's appearance was constantly teased and withheld until 9:15 in a transparent bid to keep certain segments of the audience watching, would AI cynically hype and hold the appearance of "Vision-Impaired Guy" until last just so they could…uh, blindside him in the final moments? No. Luckily, Scott had big talent to go along with his story of courage. And, apparently, he has a sense of humor, since he assessed his chances by saying, "We'll see how it goes." Ryan then cluelessly responded, "We'll see you in Hollywood." Really, Ryan? Well, as long as we're being non-PC here, allow me to vote: "Go, Bikini Girl!"

January 13, 2009
Another day, another apocalypse. Same as it ever was for 24's Jack Bauer. Kicking off with the usual two-night, four-hour block, Day 7 began with all the action and excitement of a Senate hearing. Well, we've never seen Jack like this before. We also get to see Tony Almeida as a bad guy — for a while at least. His holding a grudge against the government for the death of his wife Michelle under President Logan made for a convincing cover story. In contrast to the pusillanimous Logan, President Allison Taylor is all grit and steel, and seemed totally determined to take the country to war even before taking office. Her husband Roger's quest to investigate their son's death was merely a tension-sapping distraction for the first three hours, and that it ultimately tied in to a traitor in the White House was both way too convenient and way too familiar. Another mole in the White House? And leaks in the FBI? Who vets these people? Strangely, the FBI has that same culture of paranoia we saw at CTU: the same sidelong glances, suspicion, backbiting, whining, jealousy, etc. Of course Tony ultimately turned out to not be evil, but rather working undercover for Bill with Chloe's help. Bill and Chloe appear to be working without government sanction, but who's funding their operation? "We like to think of it as CTU," Bill quipped. He's still a tough guy, making the tough choice to let Sengala Prime Minister Matobo be kidnapped, tortured and maybe even killed in order to get to the bottom of the conspiracy.

As great as it was to see Bill and Chloe again, my favorite new character by far is Annie Wersching's (ex-Amelia, GENERAL HOSPITAL) Renee Walker, who quickly learns that black-and-white is not always so black-and-white. And she's smart: Unlike so many other characters, she quickly realizes she should listen to Jack and trust him. The corruption of Walker is interesting to watch — especially since the tone of the show is to slap Jack's wrist for his excesses. We see how it's a slippery slope, and she sees herself slipping. Walker literally put the squeeze on the hospitalized Tanner and delays his legal team. Of course only maverick agents can get the job done, and even though there are "thousands of lives on the line," she practically cries after bending her own rules. If Walker survives the day, she could take over the 24 franchise should Keifer ever want to step away. My second favorite new character is Janeane Garafalo's Janice. Apparently really...um, colorful... people go into IT (well, Chloe is one of the more vivid characters on the show). I liked the way Janice got all farklempt at the thought of what Tony might do with the CIP device to control the nation's transportation infrastructure. Speaking of Tony's plot, I found his infiltration of the infrastructure system short on tension because the government knew what Tony is doing, and practically followed along as got into the air-traffic system. Wouldn't it have been better for viewers to worry when/if the government would discover what he was up to? Still, the CIP something new — it is a technological threat, but not another nuclear bomb or germ warfare. And it's totally believable in today's Internet age.

Kiefer Sutherland has repeatedly said he wanted to do more "acting" and add depth to Jack. Well, this story shows us a Jack who realizes what he's become — basically a useful monster — and further that there's no turning back. His confrontation with old friend Tony, whom he thought died in his arms, was quite fraught, and the interrogation was intense, invoking show history by mentioning Terri, Audrey and Kim. Jack also shows human vulnerability when he moans, "This is gonna hurt," before crashing a car through a wall in one of his trademark daring escapes. It may be the end of the world as we know it (again), but with Jack on the case, I feel fine.

Ah, the time-honored dramatic device of reading a nasty-tempered old rich guy's will. Hilarity always ensues, and GOSSIP GIRL did not disappoint. Bart Bass left bad seed Chuck a controlling interest in Bass Industries, which Chuck naturally did not want — and Uncle Jack did covet. Still, Blair talked Chuck into giving the boardroom a shot, and P.O.'d Uncle Jack declared war, luring Chuck away from B. with cocktails and coquettes in a setup that was so obvious it could be seen from space. Still, Jack wasn't satisfied to expose Chuck before Blair — he also arranged for board members to catch Chuck…being Chuck. Chuck, being Chuck, suspected B. had set it all up, and blasted her for "trying to play the wife." Chuck soon realized Uncle Jack was behind it all, and he was out due to a morality clause that Bart inserted in the inheritance. So now that Chuck was totally out in the cold, I figured he'd go nuts. Unfortunately, he went soft. He went to Blair flowers and an apology. Where was the candy and teddy bear, you lovesick drone? That was not the Chuck that I know and admire. Stung by the way Chuck made "wife" sound like the ugliest word in the world, Blair hurled the flowers back at him and spat, "I'm done."Hopefully that will send Chuck over the edge and we'll see some decadence worthy of ancient Rome!

Meanwhile, the Serena/Dan debacle came to a head when Penelope and the Mean Girls decided that overheard half-truths were good enough to post (or "blast") on the Gossip Girl site. And before you can say "Nelly is a spiteful little witch," the secret of the shared sibling was out. SPOILER-ISH ASIDE TO THOSE WHO KNOW THE IDENTITY OF "GOSSIP GIRL" FROM THE BOOKS: If the show is going to use the same person, why would that person post the Dan/Serena info, and then react the way they reacted? Doesn't this seem to indicate the show has a different person in mind as the secret GG? Getting even more soapy, Rufus and Lily totally reconnected in Boston, and then learned the adopted son they were searching for drowned in a boating accident. But I said "soapy," so it turned out the boy didn't die after all — will Rufus/Lily ever find out?

I don't plan to waste much time with THE BACHELOR this season, since I…heck, we all know how it's going to end: Jason will pick somebody, propose, swear it's love, and then be broken up a week after the final press conference. It's what happens almost every time. I swear the only reason Trista and Ryan are still married is because they fear being torn to shreds by hordes of fans desperate to cling to the hope they represent. That being said, I have to admit that, as usual, there are a couple of real hotties (Natalie and Kerry, I'm looking at you) vying for Jason's attention.When Lisa left to be with her sick mother, the other girls practically threw a party to celebrate cutting the trimming the competition. Erica was called out by Megan, as the claws really came out. Sharon has stalkerish knowledge of Jason. Still, he let her stick around, preferring to boot Raquel, the aggressive Brazilian, and Sharon, who said she quit her job as a teacher to be on the show.

Hmm, ABC promos indicate that both GREY'S ANATOMY and PRIVATE PRACTICE will have storylines involving children in peril on the same night. How stupid is that?

I heard that MOMMA's BOYS might be setting some new standard in trashiness for major network TV. The idea is simplicity itself: Send mom out to vet the gals for the bachelor. Surprisingly, there sure seemed to be a lot more kissing here than on THE BACHELOR. I wonder what the selection process was like here, as Michael's harem of dates included included Meghan Allen, a Playboy model (in fact, she was Cyber Girl of the Month for January), and Erica Ellison, 2008 Penthouse Pet of the Year. His mom, Lorraine, scolded Meghan in front of several other girls, claiming the human body is not made to be "exploited." (Note to Lorraine: It would appear the sum total of art in human history contradicts you.) Ironically, Lorraine thinks Erica is a "nice girl," whom she called a perfect match for her son and herself. (Wait until she finds out what Erica does for a living!) Still, Michael decided to take mom's advice and sent Meghan packing. JoJo's mom Khalood didn't think Julie or Mindy was right for him, but he admitted, "I've fallen for Mindy." Esther couched all her comments in euphemisms about "culture" and heritage to avoid explicitly saying she wants Rob to marry a Jewish girl, and dismissed African-American Camilla as "too tall." She praised Lauren as fitting in with her "culture and history," but Rob still chose to keep Camilla around, leaving Esther in tears. And I think I might have been bleeding from the eyes after watching the entire hour...

January 8, 2009
DAMAGES made its mark last season with a complex, tension-filled mystery and spectacular performances from Glenn Close and Rose Byrne. Close walked off with the Emmy for playing Patty Hewes, a ruthless, seemingly bloodless tiger shark of a litigator who took self-interest to new depths. Byrne played her would-be protégé, Ellen Parsons, a naive law-school graduate who got majorly schooled. Since season one followed just one case (Ted Danson's Arthur Frobisher, who was ultimately gunned down) from beginning to end, what would season 2 bring? Easy: Another case, with another celebrity client.

Following last season's format, the new story began at its end: Ellen was seen slurping a drink and waving a gun while chattering menacingly at...someone. Then we leaped back six months, to a time just one month after last season's storyline ended. Patty is now a celebrity and trying to start a philanthropic organization. Ellen is seated at Patty's right hand yet working undercover for the feds to take down Patty. And Frobisher is lying in a hospital bed, recuperating from his GSW. The feds (led by ALL MY CHILDREN's ex-Samuel Woods, Mario van Peebles) want Ellen to convince Patty to take on a set-up case so can get the goods on her. However, Daniel Purcell (Oscar winner William Hurt), a man with mysterious ties to Patty's past, is also vying for her legal aid — but she wants nothing to do with him. He sent her a box of charts and graphs that are somehow related to a coverup at his place of business. The episode culminated in Patty arriving at Purcell's house to find his wife dead. "Now will you help me?" he snapped. Jump back to the "present": Ellen sneers, "I lied, too," and pumps two shots at the camera — presumably into whomever she was addressing!

That was an impressive denouement. But it was also rather jarring, coming as it did at the tail end of a rather methodically paced episode that took its time putting its chess pieces in place to set up the season's game. It was almost dull in places, except for the performances. Close is pushing the control-freak Patty toward the fringes of losing control — she's plagued by nightmares and visions of Ray Fiske (Zeljko Ivanek), who killed himself in her office. But she isn't going soft. Patty is perhaps even more evil — it was clear she arranged for Sam's daughter to be arrested just to knock Sam Arsenault out of the race for governor so he can contribute to her charity. Danson is playing the once-haughty and entitled Frobisher as a broken-down old man. And Byrne's Ellen was in danger of crystallizing into a sort of diamond-hard imitation of Patty — until she realized that she could not bring herself to exact lethal revenge against Frobisher, whom she (incorrectly) blames for killing her fiancé, David. The tears in her eyes and her unwillingness to kill a helpless man pulled her back from the brink, and I'm rooting for her to take down Patty hard. But, as one of the feds said, "You gotta be patient."

NBC brought KNIGHT RIDER in for a pit stop, but the tune-up turned out to be more than just banging out a few fender dings. The peacock network is attempting to pimp ALL MY CHILDREN's Jamie Bruening's ride to get ratings into the fast lane, while at the same time making it cheaper — er, more cost-effective. The results of the bodywork were readily apparent is last night's initial installment. The-powers-that-be upped the comedy factor, yet at the same time lowered its intelligence level to slapstick: witness the robot hurling office knickknacks at poor Bruce Davison. And on speeded-up film, no less. That wasn't the only place they skimped on SPFX, either — the "turbo-boost" jump over the walls of a prison looked especially dicey. Poor Davison was reduced to talking to a robot like a neglected child. This guy starred in Willard! He can control rats! Other blatantly obvious tweaks included the introduction of a trio of bad girls — all legs and big…er, guns and Russian accents — for a breathless yet pointless cameo. Well, other than pumping up the male demographic (Deanna Russo can't be in every scene).

Rick Hoffman (so memorable as the American Client in Hostel) played the melodious voice of criminal mastermind Stevens, who brought a wry sense of humor, a laid-back attitude and no illusions about his sanity or the evil. In other words, he's a cartoon villain. He's intelligent, but not too smart… He knows Mike can do all this espionage stuff in a super car, but thinks the LED eyes on KITT's hood are "mood lighting"? The cliff-hanger left Mike under orders to drive KITT at least 100 mph or a bomb in his trunk will explode. A different bomb was detonated at Stevens' hideout by a bumbling SWAT officer, and that apparently blew Carrie to bits, because Sydney Tamilia Poitier was a rumored casualty of the reboot. Next week, another salary gets cut. Whose? That would be telling…

January 7, 2009
For some reason I decided to give 90210 another chance. (Okay, it was because it looked like Shannen Doherty's Brenda was going to be heavily featured.) However, it wasn't long before I was regretting tuning in. I'm beginning to think that my not being in this show's target demo — girls ages 12-14, or so — is a liability. For instance, I just didn't get why Naomi was flaunting her buddy-buddy relationship with half-brother Sean over Annie. Dude, he's your brother, not a boyfriend you stole from the Kansas import. Maybe she just understood that it pushed Annie's buttons, because Annie ran home and told Debbie that "something's off" about Sean. Debs agreed. Hmm, could it be that everything about him was just way too convenient — even for a teen soap on The CW? Oh, and he just happened to need $200,000 to cover a gambling debt he…uh, inherited from his adoptive father. (They don't have loan sharks in Wichita? They break legs because they want to get paid, and dead men can’t pay up. Backroom gambling debts are non-transferrable) His story stank on ice! Annie and Debbie managed to get Harry to reluctantly agree to a paternity test. And he convinced Sean. But he menaced Annie…and then cleared out before dawn. But not before cajoling his "mom," Tracy, into ponying up the cash.

As for the Brenda stuff, she was acting all strange and standoff-ish after getting a mysterious medical diagnosis (which the ad campaign implied was that she's pregnant). She got all emotional and refused to attend Adriana's drug-recovery ceremony, but eventually she relented. Then, Adriana found out that a former lover of hers was diagnosed with HIV, and she had to get tested. While she was cleared, she turned out to be pregnant, resulting in the instant-classic camp line: "I can't be pregnant; I'm only 16." Brenda immediately bolted, leaving Kelly to comfort Adriana. Later, Kelly tracked down her frenemy and learned that Brenda's diagnosis meant she can never have children. Which is why teen angst and pregnancy freaked her out. Much like Kelly, I didn't even know Brenda wanted kids. (But there it was, right there in the script.) Brenda further revealed she's thinking about adopting. Gee, wouldn't it be, like...cool if there was some pregnant teen around, maybe a junkie, who conveniently didn't want her kid, so Brenda could, I don't, like, adopt it or something? For reals. The best part of the show was when Silver invited Dixon to a Tarantino retrospective by calling the self-styled auteur "pretentious, violent and derivative." But she's a fan of his Death Proof, (which stars PASSIONS alumna Mary Elizabeth Winstead)? I knew I liked Silver!

The new episode of THE MENTALIST delved a little (very little) into Patrick's backstory by introducing a prison inmate named Jared Renfro who claimed to have information about Red John, the killer who murdered Patrick's wife and child. All he wanted in exchange was for Patrick to get him sprung from prison. CBI boss Virgil naturally refused to help, so Patrick went it alone — going so far as to quit the CBI. Of course, he found evidence that vindicated Jared (who had been framed by his own vengeful mother!), but did he get any thanks? Nope. As soon as he was sprung, Jared rabbited. The CBI found him dead in a Tijuana motel room with the words "He is the man" scrawled in blood on the bathroom tile. Then a laughing Red John called a cell to mock Patrick.

So what was wrong with this episode? Simple: It was pointless. Patrick's investigation filled an hour of network time, but in the end Jared was dead and gone, and the sole nugget of information he provided — that Red John had painted Mrs. Jane's toenails in her own blood — came out in the first 10 minutes. But Patrick already knew that tidbit; at the end of it all, Patrick was no closer to knowing anything about Red John himself. Other than the fact that he's still alive, I guess. In a way, Red John's mocking laugh was also the-powers-that-be chortling that they got one over on us. I should have seen it coming...

January 6, 2009
GOSSIP GIRL came back for the new year and pruned back a few storylines. The biggest shock was that Jenny is now actually interested in school again. Eric asked her about this, and she basically just said she had a change of heart. Whatever. Little J immediately threw herself into battling Penelope and her mean girls, who were treating Nelly like a virtual slave. Are girls really like that in high school or was this just heightened reality? But when it turned out to be a good deed, and not about the collegiate party, it was all for naught.

Serena conveniently dumped Aaron over the hiatus and made up with Dan again, for like, the third (or was it 3,000th) time. But, of course, it was doomed by outside forces again. This time, it's the revelation that Rufus and Lily had a secret baby, which means Serena and Dan each share a half-sibling (but still aren't related themselves). Still, Rufus didn't want them together, because…well, this isn't BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL. "I wanna know where my child is," Rufus spat, then pointed out that he gave up his dreams of being a rock star to be a father, so he wants the chance to play daddy to his "new" kid. And then he convinced Lily to go search for the kid. In a limousine. Can I just say how much I hate the secret-child cliché? Because I really, really do! Chuck's sudden Uncle Jack doesn't thrill me, either, but it's not such a stretch, ya know? Besides, this Uncle Jack seems to have had an influence on Chuck's hedonistic proclivities - he knew to look for his nephew in Bangkok, and actually handed Eric (who looks 10 years old) a drink.

Chuck was smoking hash on school grounds and almost walked (B. tried her best to help, but her efforts went up in...more smoke). Chuck was so disinterested that he bought back the Victrola to drown his sorrows in booze and dancing girls. When Blair confronted him and asked why he bothered to come back, she forgot that he didn't — Uncle Jack dragged him back. Unable to cope with Chuck, Blair angled for membership in a society group called the Colony Club, only to discover that the old biddies are really just gossipy mean girls in sweater sets. She rushed to the burlesque club in time to literally talk Chuck off a ledge. She somehow managed to make his suicide bid seem to be about her, and him not killing himself seemed altruistic. Oh, Chuck!

Oh, ONE TREE HILL! Where did you go wrong? While I was off dallying with HEROES, you jumped the shark! From Peyton's tearful announcement that she's pregnant to Millie's impulsive one-night stand to Brooke's induction into the Power Rangers, nothing worked for me. Where once your directly-on-the-nose scripting seemed quaint and endearing, now it just feels lame and labored. I don't care about Brooke playing foster mother to Sam, and Lucas' plotline crossed the line into ludicrousness long ago.

The most realistic moment was when Andre took two extra cookies for his trip with Jamie to the cemetery to visit his slain brother Quentin. Then he left Q the cookies. What wasn't realistic? Let's start with Nate landing a job with the minor-league Charleston Chiefs. Okay, that could happen — however, professional players get to choose their own numbers, so Nate would have known going in that No. 23 was not available. And (anvil alert!) Devon Fox not only has Nate's number, he has Nate's job: point guard. And if either one of them wants to make it to the NBA, they need to learn that the point guard runs the offense and looks to pass the rock instead of trying to take it to the hole on every possession. The fake that Devon was a cocky carbon copy of the dead Quentin was…well, boring. Elsewhere, Mia was suffering writer's block, but luckily Haley was available with sage advice — and Mia's magic hoodie. Owen, the alcoholic bartender, started drinking again after getting hooked on painkillers following the slamball finals. Gregory Harrison guested as a Hollywood studio suit who was (are you sitting down?) interested in the opinion of a tyro screenwriter! (Where do they get this stuff?) Finally, Brooke tracked Sam to the guy who kidnapped her. Who turned out to be the guy who robbed her store and beat her up. And killed Quentin. And was on the grassy knoll in Dallas back in 1963. Good thing she totally kick-boxed him senseless. And this show has finally beaten me into submission; I'm done.

I had to admit I was curious about the new "reality" series TRUE BEAUTY, but only because I was astonished at how coldly calculated it seemed, and I had to see if it was as manipulative as is appeared to be. Yup. Every minute of it. This unscripted series was obviously designed to appeal to us "common folks" who want an excuse to openly mock the "beautiful people" we hate. The 10 hand-picked contestants were supremely self-centered and led to believe they were participating in a beauty contest, which they were — but they were not told that it's actually an "inner beauty" contest. And the two-faced nature of the contestants is the appeal. As Chelsea crowed, "I'm conceited, and I admit it." The show is judged/hosted by Vanessa Minnillo, whom soap fans may recall from a brief stint as Amanda on BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL. Vanessa herself would appear to know a little about…uh, showing different facets of one's personality: She went out of her way to diss soap operas during an appearance on THE LATE SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN, and she doesn't even list B&B among her TV credits on her official Web site.

Anyway, the contestants were vying for $100,000 in cash and to get a photo in People's Most Beautiful People issue. The initial episode concentrated on everyone as preening peacocks who dismissed everyone else as…well, preening peacocks. The "challenges" consisted of giving the players opportunities to not be cruel to clumsy waiters and production assistants toting coffee. The two lowest-scoring players were Chelsea and Hadiyyah-lah, who suggested she just may be the most attractive person on the planet (yes, she said, "planet"). She was particularly funny as she completely freaked out over getting the low score in a "scientific" beauty assessment — all the while insisting that she wasn't concerned about the score. Yeah, right! Judge Nole Marin got it exactly right when he suggested Chelsea use less eye makeup. After Hadiyyah-lah was eliminated, two janitor characters dumped her portrait in the trash. Which is exactly where this supremely trashy show belongs. Obviously, it's going to be a hit.

January 5, 2009
Matt Smith is the Doctor.

If that statement means nothing to you, then you are not a fan of DOCTOR WHO, the world's longest-running fantasy series. The series is seen here in the States on Sci Fi, which completed airing the latest season a few months back. (The full-season DVDs are available now.) When WHO begins its 31st season in 2010, Matt Smith will portray the 11th incarnation of the central character, the enigmatic traveler in time and space known only as "the Doctor." As a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, the Doctor's body heals itself, or regenerates, when near death; the resulting change in face allows a new actor to assume the role. Smith is the 11th actor to create a persona for the Doctor (leaving aside Richard Hurndall's pinch-hitting duties in the special "The Five Doctors" anniversary episode).

Although he looks about 17, Smith is actually 26, making him by far the youngest actor ever to assay the role. Smith begins filming this summer for the next official season, to be broadcast next year. David Tennant, who currently portrays the 10th Doctor, just starred in the latest Christmas special, and will topline four more special episodes spread out through 2009. Since there will only be four installments instead of the usual 13, this is not considered an official "season." (Just to complicate matters, when the series was brought back from hiatus in 2005, the-powers-that-be restarted the numbering, so Smith will technically star in season five, but I know it's really season 31.)

Smith was revealed to the world on Jan. 3, and he took a series of brooding publicity photos with the TARDIS, featuring a sort of gothic vibe that could bode well for his tenure. Of course, as is traditional, there were absolutely no details about his characterization or costume revealed, nor were there any hints about his future companion(s). All fans got was the traditional photocall and a canned interview about how "flabbergasted" Smith is to land the role. My first impressions of Smith are colored by his most prominent feature: a giant mop of overly teased hair that makes him look like a refugee from Flock of Seagulls who has been hiding out with the pasty emo vampires of Twilight since 1982. Smith's prepubescent mug could be used to an advantage if his personality reflects the old-soul of a time traveler who's almost 1,000 years old. How funny would it be to hear a guy who looks barely old enough to shave reminisce about celebrating his 600th birthday on some exotic planet almost four centuries ago? (I'm hoping lots.) It's ironic that Smith's best-known credits in England come from playing alongside former WHO companion Billie Piper in THE RUBY IN THE SMOKE and THE SHADOW IN THE NORTH — in which he essential portrayed Sally Lockhart's companion — and one episode of her SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL. But that's to be expected. Aside from Peter Davison's stint in ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL, the Doctor is usually a little-known (or completely unknown) actor. Tennant starred in the BBC3 series CASANOVA and VIVA BLACKPOOL, while his predecessor, Christopher Eccleston (ex-Claude, HEROES), was at least slightly known to U.S. audiences for big-screen roles in Shallow Grave (very worth a rental!) and Gone In 60 Seconds (not so much). But Patrick Troughton and Colin Baker were complete unknowns, and does anyone recall Sylvester McCoy's turn as Renfield in Frank Langella's 1979 film version of Dracula? Could you pick Paul McGann's shaven head out of the crowd in Alien 3?

Nevertheless, Smith's selection did take everyone by surprise. The question of who will play each new incarnation of the Doctor has, over the years, become a matter of national debate in the United Kingdom, and bookmakers actually take wagers on who will be cast! Ever since the selection of the fifth Doctor (waaaaaay back in 1980!), speculation has been obliged to include actresses, because departing fourth Doctor Tom Baker puckishly suggested to the prying press that he might be succeeded by a woman. Baker was having a bit of a laugh with the press; there was never actually any real chance of a woman assuming the role. But over the decades, as casting has become more and more open-minded, the possibility of a female Doctor has always seemed more and more plausible. And, as of this latest handover, a black actor (Englishman Paterson Joseph) was actually tipped to be the front-runner (if you believe the gambling odds). But white or black, male or female, nobody saw Matt Smith coming. Which is perfectly in keeping with the Doctor's famous refrain about his ever-changing mug: "That's the problem with regeneration: You never know what you're going to get!"