MAY 30, 2008
"It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen." That's what John Locke said when trying to convince Jack not to leave, but that might also serve as the mantra of fans as the long-awaited finale to Season 4 of LOST unspooled. Let the mind-frakking begin!

Transition was the big theme of the episode: The Oceanic 6 returned to the outside world and John assumed the mantle of leadership on the island.

We began in the past — if returning to a previously seen future can be considered "the past." Last season ended with the flash-forward of Jack and Kate, this episode picks up with Jack wailing about needing to go back to the island. Only now we see that Kate stops her car, backs up and lays a smackdown on Jack for suggesting they return. We also finally learn whose corpse was in that coffin: "Jeremy Bentham." Who? Precisely. Like the show, I'll save that tidbit for the end.

This was a jam-packed finale, filled with deaths, emotion and explosions, answers and questions — and another "white event."

We got some answers, like how Ben came to be wearing Dr. Halliwax's parka in the Sahara, and why no one from the freighter has busted the Oceanic 6 for lying. But we also got an unsatisfying answer to why the Oceanic 6 are lying about the circumstances of the crash of Oceanic 815. At John's suggestion, Jack convinced the others to lie to protect those left behind — but how would telling the truth endanger those people? As was pointed out, they traveled 3,000 miles to another island to fake their boat story, so it's not like anyone is going to search the area, but far more importantly, the island was moved! Even if Jack had provided exact latitude and longitude, the island isn't there anymore. Perhaps pretending that everyone else died will spare the families more grief, and keep rescuers from risking their lives searching the high seas — but neither of those rationales was put forward.

I also have some... "issues" with the freighter blowing up. Recall that Frank had trouble finding the Kahana while flying out from the island. Then Hugo spotted it — behind them. I think this is significant, because the fuel-starved helo probably did not take the same vector out from the Island that it followed in, so might the Kahana (or the helo) have shifted in time? Perhaps the freighter exploded at some point in the future relative to the Island, so Jin might still be alive — again, relative to time on the island. However, I believe Michael is truly dead. That's because, after keeping him alive for months, the Island finally gave him permission to die. Just before the bomb detonated, Christian Shephard appeared and told Michael, "You can go now." The Island decided he had completed his penance, sent its avatar, Christian, to release him from this world just as the C-4 exploded in his face. Sawyer's sacrifice for Kate (leaping from the copter), while noble, set up probably the hiatus' most maddening question: What did he whisper to her before plunging overboard? We know from the fastforwards that it was some kind of vow that she would do something for him.

Some really brilliant performances were on display last night. At the top of that heap was Yunjin Kim's Sun losing her mind when the freighter exploded with Jin trapped on the deck. More than just mere wailing, her frantic gestures and the agony on her face made Sun's pain palpable. Michael Emerson is always top-notch as the reptilian Ben, but he added a little something extra — a dash of regret that Ben was leaving the island, but importantly, surrendering leadership to John.

This was also one of the more action-packed episodes, with the brutal Sayid/Keamy throw-down being a highlight. At the time it happened I shouted at my TV: "Keamy's wearing body armor!" But that set up the much more satisfying moment when Ben got revenge for his daughter's murder.

One of my favorite parts of the night had to be the touching reunion of Desmond and Penny. He was filled with such joy and love at seeing her, while she was dumbfounded to have plucked him out of the middle of the sea. Also way up there on the mystery list is how/why Locke left the island, and why he was calling himself "Jeremy Bentham." Yes, the very last shot of the season revealed that "Jeremy Bentham" was an alias used by Locke, who returned to civilization under unknown circumstances. There was a real-world Bentham, so I looked him up: Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832) was an English philosopher and great liberal thinker who advocated, among other things, animal rights, equal rights for women and the decriminalization of homosexuality. I also found some references about him dabbling in time-travel theory. Bentham had his body preserved under glass when he died, and his corpse is still on display at University College in London. Even more interesting, Bentham was greatly influenced by an earlier thinker: one John Locke, the English philosopher whose most famous theory, "tabula rasa," held that humans are born without innate ideas. All of this provides clues as to why Locke would become known as Bentham. Do you get the impression that character names are not random on this show?

Raise your hand if you think you'll have trouble waiting until January to find out what happens in Season 5, wherein Jack must convince the uniformly unwilling Oceanic 6 to return to the island. And here's one more question to ponder until 2009: Why did Ben tell Jack that he return John's body to the island when he wasn't part of the Oceanic 6?

May 29, 2008
LOST wraps up the regular TV season tonight with a top-secret two-hour finale that nevertheless reportedly has been leaked to the Internet. Despite the best efforts of the-powers-that-be, a beat-by-beat breakdown apparently was posted on at least one Web site. I have zealously avoided spoiling myself, so I do not know if what was posted is accurate. Nevertheless, hearing about the leak got me thinking about spoilers and the lengths some producers go to in order to fight them — or not. Consider this conversation I had with HOUSE creator David Shore.

Joe: Are spoilers a big problem for you? Do you keep scripts locked up under high security?
David Shore: You know what? No. We don't keep high security. We probably should keep higher security; we've been the victim of our own success. Stuff is leaking out there on the Internet, which is a little annoying. I try not let it worry me too much. I'm trying to tell a story, and in that story I want the end to be the end. I want people to be surprised when I want them to be surprised. And if parts of the story are leaking out, then it's unfortunate.
Joe: It is a fine line for you: You want to entice people, but you don't want to (literally) spoil them.
Shore: You’re right. It is a tough line to draw because of advertising. Our own ads on Fox, to a certain extent, show [some of] what's going to happen in the episode. There is only so much you can do and only so much you can keep quiet. It's a wonderful thing that people want to know more about the show; they are dying to find out. That is very cool. In my heart, I wish I could do this in a pure way, to have the story come out and people watch it.
Joe: Do you prowl the Internet, looking for tidbits about the show?
Shore: No, not really. I know that there are people who do that. I don't want to be to influenced by things. I've been fairly successful so far, doing the stories that I want to tell and hoping someone else would listen. Again, it's a tricky line: You don't want to ignore the people who are watching the show; they are the reason the show exists. On the other hand, you want to tell the stories you want to tell, and it's a tricky issue. People may think they want something, but it isn't necessarily what they actually want. People wanted House to get together with Cameron; they hated Cameron. They wanted Cameron to get together with Chase. They want House to get together with Cuddy. What people want [to hear] is who is getting together with whom. And, obviously, if we made the show just about that it wouldn't be the show that it is, and it wouldn't work anymore.
Joe: People may think they want to know secrets, but actually they still want to experience it.
Shore: Yes, exactly. It's like “God, I wish House was a nicer guy.” No, you don't! He is a jerk, and that's why you like him.

So the lesson here, people: Let the creators create, and you do the watching, according to plan, to get the full effect. Don’t be so eager to get ahead of everyone else.

Anyway, check out the two-finale of LOST, which begins at 9 o’clock tonight. There’s a chance I will talk about it in the next Night Shift, and you wouldn’t want to be left behind...

May 23, 2008
Okay, I'll admit that the main reason I tuned in to the season finale of UGLY BETTY was to scope out celebrity train wreck Lindsay Lohan (ex-Alli, ANOTHER WORLD), and my curiosity was rewarded almost immediately. There's LiLo right at the top of the show, playing Kimberly, a high school classmate of Betty's, in a flashback to 1999 (wait — what is this, LOST?). Betty is recalling what happened to her in gym class during one of those infamous dodgeball games that seems to have irrevocably scarred every writer in Hollywood. Gee, I wonder if Lindsay is playing a mean girl? Kimberly selected Betty for her team — to serve as a human shield. So, yes, she's playing a mean girl. Hmmm, that was a short segment. Surely there will be more of her….

The rest of the episode proves to be extremely soapy, but also extremely cliché-ridden. Betty's would-be boyfriend Gio (they are in an "exploratory phase") wants to take her to Rome for their first date. Keep in mind that Gio (Freddy Rodriguez, ex-Federico, SIX FEET UNDER) runs the sandwich cart, not the magazine. Hey, thanks a lot, Gio — way to set the first-date bar at a new level. Then former beau Henry (Christopher Gorham, ex-Trevor, FELICITY) shows up, ring in hand, and asks Betty to marry him. Holy cliché alert, Batman! But that was nothing. Daniel (Eric Mabius, ex-Dean Hess, THE O.C. ) gets a sudden son — the product of a liaison with a French model (thus the kid speaks only French). Holy cliché alert, Batman! Meanwhile, Hilda (Ana Ortiz is stringing along her boyfriend, gym teacher Tony, who is portrayed by soap utility player Eddie Cibrian (ex-Cole, SUNSET BEACH; ex-Russell, INVASION; Sebastian, DIRTY SEXY MONEY; ex-Matt, THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS; ex-Jimmy, THIRD WATCH; ex... oh, you get the idea). Sure, it's funny that he brought her Tater Tots and green Jell-O from school, but it's not so fun that he's got a secret. No fair guessing! Oh, you guessed anyway. Yes, he's "not exactly single." In point of fact, he's kind of a little bit married. Holy triple cliché alert, Batman!

Of course Betty's would-be suitors meet up at Mode's company softball game. And there's a clichéd dream sequence in which Betty imagines the different courses her life might take with each of her suitors. And, no surprise at all, the show did not resolve whether Betty goes to Rome with Gio or stays home with Henry. Holy cliff-hanging cliché, Batman! Also, we never saw Lohan again. Well, technically, this appearance was just supposed to set up Kimberly's return for five episodes in the fall. Presumably Kimberly will be brought into the present, but who knows — LOST gets plenty of mileage out of revisiting the past.

I set about watching the two-hour season finale of GREY'S ANATOMY next, but because I usually spend ny Thursday evenings watching SUPERNATURAL, I was coming in to this pretty cold (not that it's the show's fault). Let's see: Meredith's mommy issues were still...issues; Derek was involved with someone called Rose (no doubt contributing to Meredith's blues); Cristina seemed depressed about something (could it still be her wedding misfire?) that was solved by giving her a pager with sparkles on it; George was monitoring patient urine output; something was up with Alex and Izzie; and Callie and that mean heart doctor, Erica, were dancing around each other (not literally, of course), meaning something was up there. Of course there were the requisite medical oddities — this one guy appeared to be encased in cement. And this was really odd: There was a car commercial during one of the breaks that also featured a man trapped in a block of cement. The commercial played it for laughs, but on GREY'S, it was life-threatening.

Anyway, some people lived, some people died, Meredith had a big epiphany, and everybody ended up kissing, including Derek and Meredith, Callie and Erica (so that's what that was about), George and Lexie, Richard and Adele, and Alex and Izzie. The weepy Alex begged (I mean begged) for more, but I guess that will have to wait until next season.

But you'll only have to wait until next week for a new installment of Night Shift...

May 22, 2008
So, David Cook pulled out a victory on AMERICAN IDOL by a healthy 12 million-vote margin. Good for you, "Cookie." When I heard the results show was going to last two hours, I had only one question: How in the world are they going to fill one hour and 58 minutes? I had to ask…

The Davids are unveiled in white tonight, with nary a boxing glove in sight. Ryan crows that 97.5 million votes were cast, with the winning David garnering a 56 percent majority. (The loser got 44 percent, with nobody undecided.)

The top 10 team up to perform The Temptations' "Get Ready," which I interpret as some kind of threat, but that's just me.

Speaking of threats, IDOL must have done something to get the Davids to pimp The Love Guru, the new "comedy" from Mike Myers, in which he insults over a billion people by playing Indian culture for laughs. Seriously, it's 2008 — aren't we past making fun of foreign customs and accents? Aren't we all cringing in fear that "Guru Pitka" will be slinging Slushies with that silly accent and inane grin? Archie looks terrified, but Cook does his level best to play along when ordered to visit Pitka at Paramount Studios so Myers can crack some lame jokes — including, but not limited to, "predicting" that the winner will be named "David." I predict the movie will bomb.

After a break, Syesha comes out singing — and she looks relaxed and sings great. I guess now that the pressure is off she can just have fun singing with Seal. Then Jason Castro uncorks another rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." (Might I suggest you be a rebel: Instead of downloading Jeff Buckley's admittedly great cover like everyone else, get Cohen's original, available on his album Various Positions, which also contains the great song "Dance Me to the End of Love.") After the Davids do a product placement for Ford, the motor company returns the solid by giving them both Escape Hybrids. Next, the women collaborate on a Donna Summer medley, and then the disco diva herself joins in. And was that host Ryan himself taking a (literal) spin on the dance floor/stage?

Bootees Carly and Michael collaborate on "The Letter," or so Ryan claims; I couldn't really tell. Was Carly always so shrill? She sounds like she's trying to deafen Mariah Carey. Next, self-identified IDOL fan Jimmy Kimmel comes out to riff on the show and contestants. He's slightly irreverent, so naturally that was my favorite part of the whole night. Then the top guys perform a Bryan Adams medley, including a version of "Summer of '69" that was so bad Adams himself had to come out to defend his songbook. Jordin Sparks is the daughter of former N.Y. Giants defensive back Phillipi Sparks, but you probably know her as the reigning American Idol. She says she's living the Idol dream, which she demonstrates means shilling for an Idol theme park at… nah, let them buy an ad if they want to be mentioned here.

Cook gets to perform "Sharp-Dressed Man with ZZ Top, and the song really suits him. (Get it? LOL.) Seriously, Cook should cover that on his forthcoming album. Then Cook's old music teacher is "interviewed" via satellite from Kansas City, and she makes a crack about how the flowers he gave her during his "journey home" video have died. (You're welcome, lady.) Brooke White gets to perform with Graham Nash, which must confuse the heck out the Archuleta fans who didn't know her grandpa could sing. But the generation gap is closed when tween sensations Jonas Brothers perform and set the gals a'screamin'.

Following a montage of the worst auditions — the party line at IDOL is that folks like these are sincere in their hopes of winning, but I insist they are deliberate pranksters just trying to do whatever they can to get on TV. And it works, big-time, as someone called Renaldo, gets to...um, "sing" onstage, accompanied by the USC Trojans band and dancing cheerleaders. Way to encourage them, IDOL...

Thankfully, the pros take over as One Republic joins Archie for a rendition of "Apologize" that works really well. Reigning Idol Sparks comes back to confidently perform a winning number. Another winner: Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert (Iron Man) Downey Jr. performing as faux-Pips melded into a classic clip of Gladys Knight. Even better: Ryan doesn't mention that the jokesters are promoting their upcoming comedy, Tropic Thunder.

And then 2004 winner Carrie Underwood starts strutting around the stage. I think she might have been singing or something, but I can't really be sure, because I was having difficulty focusing on what was coming put of her mouth. The final group sing-along covered the George Michael oeuvre, capped by an appearance from the man himself. (I don't know about you, but I cannot hear that name anymore without thinking about ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Sorry, ELI STONE.) Hey, whattaya know — Michael coincidentally just happens to have a tour coming up. What are the odds?

And then the Earth shifted on its axis: Simon apologized to Cook for being so harsh on his performances the previous night. In fact, the contrite Brit admitted his behavior bordered on disrespect. (Well, Simon did "award" all rounds of the competition to Archie....)

Now it's time for the moment of truth. In a classy move, Ryan doesn't pointlessly drag out the drama of the moment. He gets right to the announcement. By a margin of 12 million votes, "David...Cook!" is the winner. Cookie becomes emotional as his mother and brother join him onstage. Then he performs the contest-winning song, which wasn't half-bad.

Which brings us to the end of our "journey" with IDOL. And I, for one, am glad it's over. I know most people out there are acolytes of the cult of IDOL, so consider me the Devil's advocate. But I was not merely taking a position just to appear negative; I really am negative. In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "Don't think it hasn't been nice — because it hasn't!"

I'm hoping there's something else to entertain me on the next Night Shift...

May 21, 2008
Our long national nightmare is almost over; it's time for the finale of AMERICAN IDOL. Okay, so it's my nightmare. I have been looking forward to this denouement for the entire month I've been watching.

The evening kicked off with an über-macho boxing theme: "Big David vs. Little David," complete with boxing gloves and robes. Right from the start, the dichotomy between the contestants is obvious. David Cook has stage presence; he acts like he's been in front of an audience before. David Archuleta looks like one of those puppies you see in PETA films that's terrified of being beaten again; clearly he is unafraid to milk the audience for sympathy votes. He later dons a jacket with an anchor embroidered on it, making him look 10 years old instead of the usual 12.

The evening's first songs are chosen by Clive Davis, chief creative officer of Sony BMG Worldwide. Not so coincidentally, he will be the Davids' new boss, since the IDOL winner and runner-up must sign with his label. He assigns Cook U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," while Archuleta gets Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." I personally don't care for the way Cook elongates some lyrics, but he plays to the crowd wonderfully, wading into the adoring throng and putting on a show. Unfortunately, I don't sense any yearning in his voice, no pain of unrequited desire. It all sounded a little rote. Still, Simon called him "phenomenal." Archuleta is much more low-key, and aims his singing directly at the home viewers, virtually ignoring the live audience — in other words, his usual schtick. Sounds very karaoke to me, as always. When the judges sound off, Archie looks like he's about to burst into tears — even though they are complimenting him.

The advantage of using unknown tunes from the songwriters competition is that we (the audience) don't know what the songs are supposed to sound like, so the singers can get away with anything. This makes song choice even more important that usual. Cook's song suits his voice very well, and he actually manages to carry off the last big note of the song for the first time since I've been watching him. The song is pretty good, too. Sadly, Simon doesn't agree. (I wonder whose fan club he's planning to join?) Archuleta's song also works with his voice, but the tune is so pedestrian it would easily melt into the blah Michael Bolton-style white noise of any adult-contemporary radio station. In other words, it's completely horrible. Inexplicably, the judges are rapturous, falling all over themselves to declare Archie the Second Coming. Simon awards this round (as well as the first) to Archuleta. After two rounds, I see no change in the contestants' demeanor: Cook is loose and having fun; Archuleta is frightened. (Perhaps this is an argument in favor of raising the minimum age.)

Wondering what the other channels came up with to try to lure viewers away from the AI juggernaut? ABC offers the season finale of DANCING WITH THE STARS; CBS has the season finale of NCIS; and NBC is airing something called TV'S MOST OUTRAGEOUS MOMENTS — in other words, the Peacock has ceded the hour. DANCING actually makes IDOL seem interesting to me, so I stay on Fox. (BTW, if Kristi Yamaguchi, who won an Olympic gold medal for essentially dancing on ice, does not win, the fix is in!)

I flip back just in time for the contestant's choice round. Cook selects "The World I Know" by Collective Soul — which he notes he has never performed before. (Is this a good time to experiment?) Archuleta chooses to reprise John Lennon's "Imagine." Cook's performance is...nice. Bland and lackadaisical, but...nice. I think it was a mistake to go with something so low-key for his last impression, but Cook claims he wanted to do something different, and there is value to that. Simon feels the same way I do: not the best song for the finale. How ironic that Randy's "song selection, song selection, song selection" mantra may contribute to Cook's goose getting cooked. (Hey, I think I showed remarkable restraint by not using that line before now!) But, hark! There's hope! When Archuleta starts singing, I think he's forgotten the words and started making stuff up — but no. He's not ad-libbing lyrics, he's ad-libbing the melody. Now I remember: We saw him butcher this song in the "journey home" video. Once again, he has rendered a very familiar song almost unrecognizable. He made the classic his own, but not in a good way. Not that it matters: The judges gush like Archie's sad eyes and small-scale voice have just cured cancer, solved the Iraq quagmire and fixed the economy. Maybe something else is fixed? A colleague of mine was dialing furiously to support Cook, so we shall see.

For me, the winner clearly should be Cook. He is a much more rounded, professional performer. He's much better at connecting with the audience and putting on a show. Archuleta is clearly too young for this. His voice is stronger than Cook's, but Archie has no presence. He needs a lot of time to polish his stagecraft. If someone is buying a concert ticket, they want to see someone who is able to at least pretend he wants to be there. It's a stage, not the gallows. But, hey, the "kick-me" act has so far motivated multitudes of little girls to dial in, so more power to him. Simon, Randy and Paula have done all they could to deliver the crown to "Little David" on a silver platter. Was it enough?

This just in: Kristi did win DANCING WITH THE STARS. Hooray for her!

My sad prediction for tonight: David will win. Archuleta, that is. I hope I'm wrong, but we'll find out tonight, just in time for the next Night Shift...