August 19, 2009
There is now less than a month left before GUIDING LIGHT is extinguished, and while the soap is going out with a flourish in some ways (Brava, Otalia!), the soap is dropping the ball in one significant way: Kim Zimmer does not have story worthy of her tremendous talent. The indomitable Reva, who has endured so much over the course of her tenure, deserves better than to go out blubbering at imaginary tea parties with her presumed-dead husband. And so does Zimmer. The multiple Daytime Emmy-winner's character has been been "dead," Amish and cloned — but there's no way she should be boring. Or patronized. Considering all the times Reva has been assumed dead, there's no way she would write off Jeffrey so easily. The real Reva would now wallow in a makeshift shrine to a lost love. She would do something about it.

Seeking out Josh and admitting she's cracking up could have been a good first step. "I look in the mirror and I don't see the Reva I know anymore," she told him — but she was really scolding herself for losing her grip. He balked at coming to her rescue one more time, noting, "You're gonna have to save yourself." Reva is perfectly capable of doing that, but instead she returned to Cross Greek and curled up to cry. The "Slut of Springfield" would not take this lying down!

August 18, 2009
MAD MEN opened its third season by diving headlong into Don Draper's past, revealing that he was the offspring of a prostitute who died in childbirth. Young Dick was unofficially adopted by a woman whose own children were stillborn. So, right from the beginning, Don/Dick's identity was in flux. But in the "present," there is no question about Don's professional role. He is the "face" of Sterling-Cooper — and its hatchet man. New financial officer Lane Pryce (played by an icy Jared Harris, last seen on FRINGE as the icy terrorist David Robert Jones) is the manipulator behind the scenes. He even installs Pete and Kenny as co-heads of accounts in order to make them battle. At home, Don is still having a hard time personifying the good father and loyal husband. In short order Don was dispatched on a sales call to Baltimore — and watching a randy stewardess disrobe in his hotel room. No big surprise there. The actual surprise was downstairs, in Sal's hotel room. Even the unflappable Don was shocked to see proof that the married Sal was dallying with a male bellhop. However, either Don was being truly cosmopolitan, or he realized that he has secrets of his own, because he made it clear to Sal that he had no intention of blowing the whistle. Hey, there's an advertising line for Charm City: What happens in Baltimore, stays in Baltimore. (Wonder if that's copyrighted…)

In contrast, lots of secrets came out on MAKE IT OR BREAK IT. In fact, everything hit the fan: the Carter/Lauren sex, the Marty/Ronnie affair, Payson's cortisone abuse. Even Lauren's mother was outed as a drug addict, and Chloe hooking up with deadbeat Joe was exposed. I never expected this sports-based show to be as soapy as it has turned out to be. Heck, I didn't expect it to be as much about gymnastics as it is. The rigors and repetition of practice are so much a part of real sports, but one almost never sees that on TV. Usually too much emphasis is placed on the Big Game from week to week. But on this show, the pressures of balancing a demanding practice schedule with a love life has dominated. (Now all we need is some mention of what kind of schooling these young girls are getting! I assume they are tutored....) To use a sports metaphor, MAKE IT… has made like an athlete with a great final kick and tapped emotional reserves to finish strong. These characters did not simply bare their secrets; they wrestled with them. (Okay, enough sports.) Kaylie, Lauren, Payson and Emily spent a long, dark night by a campfire hashing out their issues. And while the Kaylie/Lauren friendship is over, the quartet agreed to work together as teammates. So the decks have been cleared of all emotional baggage, paving the way for the next week's season finale, in which the girls compete at nationals. Y'know, the Big Game.

August 7, 2009
Michael Westen really got himself worked into a soapy lather in the "summer finale" of BURN NOTICE. Just when things seemed to be coming together for him, it all fell apart. Fiona walked out on him just when Michael was finally getting some traction with her. She fretted that he couldn't let go of his past because he was obsessed with getting his old job back by working with sleazeball Strickland. It seemed to be working: Strickland got his case reopened at the highest levels. Michael saw getting back in from the cold as making things safer for everyone, bit Fiona saw him as dwelling in the past. Speaking of dwelling in the past, Madeleine revealed she was selling Michael's childhood home. That made him all nostalgic, and he actually mooned over old photos of Fi and a box of old toys! But Fiona had her own problems with the past. Paul Blackthorne (ex-Steven, 24) played O'Neill, a thug who wanted to drag Fiona back to Ireland to face her old enemies. Of course Michael rescued her — but was it for old time's sake, or a new beginning? Michael was forced to kill Strickland, but that only brought a new threat to town — a new hitter intent on killing Michael. In this case, he was probably better off with the devil he knew. (New episodes resume this winter.)

ROYAL PAINS also got more than a little personal, as Hank and Jill dealt with the awkwardness of having sex after "breaking up." Meanwhile, Divya had to fool her visiting parents into thinking she attends Wharton business school (with Evan). That plot thread hinged on viewers buying the idea that the 'rents would be angry/disappointed to learn she went to medical school even though they wanted her to have a career in real estate. But after she saved Dad's life with an emergency tracheotomy, they forgave her for fibbing. We also learned that Hank and Evan have Daddy issues: Their father walked out on them as kids when their mother got sick. Oh, and Jill's ex-husband, Charlie, returned. How's that for a series of blasts from the past?

August 6, 2009
GENERAL HOSPITAL is riding a bit of a hot streak lately, thanks to some unlikely pairings that have unexpectedly clicked. The clear leader here is the red-hot Johnny/Olivia. This couple has taken up the torch of raw sensuality left behind when the Lucky/Sam hook-ups were snuffed. No matter where they are — garage, couch or (gasp!) in a bed — Liv and Johnny don't just strike sparks, they explode. And now we can add another surprise twosome: Nikolas and Elizabeth These old friends were surprisingly steamy as they slammed shots of tequila and canoodled at Jake's. Unlike so many friends who hook up, Liz and Nik really seemed to click. Rebecca Herbst in particular seemed to enjoy playing the sex kitten, and really vamped it up. Too bad Elizabeth threw cold water on the proceedings before things went much further than smoldering looks and suggestive talk.

I could also see something growing out of the Lulu/Dominic scenes, although I would prefer to see what happens if Coleman were to pursue her. Her gyrations on his bar were a high point during karaoke night, so how about it, GH? You already know Olivia/Johnny works beyond belief, so how about book-ending it with Coleman/Lulu? It's about time the romantic fireworks started outshining the gunplay in Port Charles again.

August 4, 2009
It's such a shame that GUIDING LIGHT is going off the air next month. Then what will my colleague Mala and I trade IMs about at 10 o'clock in the morning?


Joe: I don't care how bad the cell connection is, I don't like Ed accidentally telling Alan about Phillip's condition.
Mala: Oh, come on, what's a little HIPAA violation between not-friends?
Joe: Did Dinah actually get married in that hat?
Mala: Yes, she did. And no one objected, even with due cause.
Joe: She looks like a villain the Flash would fight!
Mala: I think she looks like the starship Enterprise is on her head.
Joe: LOL. Was it a wedding or the Kentucky Derby? Wait...Dinah's confession is nuts: There was somebody who looked exactly like Edmund and knew that a secretly adopted Bosnian baby was secretly the child of a woman killed in a mine field, who was secretly the daughter of Edmund?
Mala: Stranger things have happened in Springfield. Just ask Amish Reva. LOL. Now watch Matt strike out with Beth. At this rate, he should become a monk.
Joe: I love the "no cell phones" sign behind Ed. And if Bill and Lizzie are hot without A/C, they should go to the other side of town, where it always snows during remotes.
Mala: Why the heck is Frank just standing there, eavesdropping on Mallet and Dinah?
Joe: It's called police work.
Mala: Can't Dinah just run off with Mallet and Shayne and Henry while Marina just...goes away somewhere?
Joe: Marina may just give herself a stroke, the way she's freaking out.
Mala: Any minute now, Dinah's hat is going to take off into the skies, and Shayne will feel an urge to make a mashed-potato mountain.
Joe: LOL! And it's good to see Bill and Lizzie's house lacks a front door lock, just like every other place in town.
Mala: That's the one thing they won't actually add while fixing the house. Uh, Mallet, you only believe in Marina now because Dinah confessed. He and GH's Sonny should start a Disingenuous Husbands club.
Joe: Heh, Dinah had to take off the hat when Shayne picked her up or she would have soared away like the Flying Nun!
Mala: But, wait, I thought Mary Poppins only left town when the wind changed...and Alan just told us Phillip's 40!
Joe: After Sept. 18, there will be no more SORASing, so why not attach dates?
Mala: True. Except that that makes Shayne and Dinah incredibly creepy. As Dinah and Harley are the same age, and Harley babysat infant Shayne in 1990.
Joe: The Kamikaze GL we love would have her say something like, "I remember changing your diaper, and now we're married." Oh, look, it's a leak at the Lewises. Somebody actually wants Matt now!
Mala: Only for his "contracting" skills. *wink, wink*
Joe: "When we say we want you to come over and 'nail' something, we mean with a hammer."
Mala: Oh, man. I kind of want to bawl. And not at Matt's love life.
Joe: Alan/Charlie? Yeah, that was touching.
Mala: More brilliant police work, with Frank admitting to Mallet he stood there eavesdropping on him for 10 minutes.
Joe: Frank should have said, "Dinah's a flight risk. Especially in that hat!"
Mala: Oh, watch it, she's about to go into orbit!

July 29, 2009
One might say TORCHWOOD creator Russell T Davies took the name of his show literally when he essentially burned the sci-fi series to the ground with the just-completed five-part CHILDREN OF EARTH miniseries. CoE saw and alien race called the 456 descend on London to demand that 10 percent of the planet's children be surrendered to them or they will unleash a global virus that kills in minutes. I really loved this story because, unlike series that promise "nothing will ever be the same" only to revert to the status quo almost instantly, TORCHWOOD can never go back to the way it was. With the tragic death of Ianto (Gareth David-Lloyd) and Captain Jack's self-exile to space, only a pregnant Gwen (Eve Myles) is left to carry on the institute's name. Davies has completely the deconstruction of the team that began with last season's slaughter of Owen and Tosh (who also died in Jack's arms). The loss of Ianto was a dramatic necessity. Viewers had to understand that the stakes really were high; that the 456 were playing for keeps — and so was Jack (John Barrowman). Ianto was a key team member and a vividly drawn character. And, oh yeah, he happened to be gay. (Let's not forget that both Tosh and Owen were bisexual.) And Ianto was Jack's lover. I thought the most poignant thing about Ianto's death was his fear that the immortal, voraciously omnisexual Jack would forget him in a thousand years or so. But Jack promised he never would, and I almost believed him.

It's important to remember that Jack is not a noble guy; he never was. He was liar, a thief and a con man when he first met the Doctor. And Jack is no Doctor. While Jack stepped up and made a decision when no one else would (just like the Doctor does), the Time Lord would have made a different decision. The Doctor would have insisted on somehow using himself as the resonator for the constructive wave. And the story made me wonder: How was Jack different from Prime Minister Green? They both used children as pawns to deal with the 456. The difference is, Jack was fighting them, no collaborating. And while Green made a point to exploit other people's children, Jack paid dearly for his choice; he sentenced his own grandchild to death.

And I kept wondering: What about the "children of Earth"?What if the aliens had not demanded children? What if they merely asked for 10 percent of Earth's total population? I could imagine an almost-eager rush to empty the world's prisons and foist off other assorted undesireables on the 456. It simply would not be as dramatic without the hot-button issue of kids. And Davies did not back down from suggesting that some kids may be, if not "expendable," then certainly not as equal as others. The capper had to be the twisted use the 456 planned for the kids: children are like narcotics to the aliens, who wanted to milk them alive for intoxicating chemicals. The idea that the children would be used for recreational purposes was the most perverted twist possible. While the 456 at first appeared to be an intergalactic protection racket, they were, in fact, interstellar drug dealers. And let's hope they never come back.

July 27, 2009
MERLIN touched upon that old question, "Would you kill Hitler as a child?" when Merlin and Morgana sheltered a druid child. Uther wanted to execute the kid as a magic user; while the Dragon advised Merlin to let the child die otherwise he would grow up to murder Arthur. Those familiar with the mythos immediately realized they were talking about a reimagining of Mordred, but the youngster's name was withheld until the last moment. I most enjoyed finally getting to see some flirting between Morgana and Arthur, and then the way Merlin and Morgana were each suspicious of the other's motives for helping Mordred. Merlin even got a little insight into his own legend, when he learned the druids call him "Emrys" (which means "immortal").

Steven Bauer (Wiseguy) appeared on MENTAL as Diego, an actor who has spent so long ("22 seasons" according to him — whatever "seasons" are on a soap) portraying a doctor on a soap that he has picked up a lot of medical savvy. The problem: He's Arturo's estranged father, and his diagnoses are getting under his son's skin. Turned out Dad was disappointed because Arturo never watches his show ("It's a soap opera," Arturo whined) and doesn't think his father is a "real" actor. In return, Arturo thinks Dad is doling out medical advice because he doesn't think Arturo is a "real" doctor. This issue was not solved, but Dad did come up with a correct call on a very rare disease. He recognized a woman suffering from Mad Hatter disease due to mercury in her fillings. (Yes, this is a real affliction; I looked it up so you won't have to.) His character once treated someone with Hatter disease. Score 1 for the soap docs! Lingering question: Where did Dr. Gallagher get all those candles? And why was he canoodling with Jaime Ray Newman's (ex-Kristina, GENERAL HOSPITAL; Tess, EUREKA) Zan on a couch instead of a bed? Does he think MENTAL is a soap opera?

July 24, 2009
"If something seems too good to be true, it's best to shoot it, just to be sure." — Fiona, BURN NOTICE

No one who saw this week's episode of ROYAL PAINS will ever look at breast implants the same way again. Roselyn Sanchez (ex-Pilar, AS THE WORLD TURNS; ex-Elena, WITHOUT A TRACE) played Sofia, whose insanely jealous husband had a GPS tracker implanted inside her body when she underwent breast-augmentation. When she underwent an MRI, the powerful magnet (50,000 times stronger than the Earth's magnetic field, FYI) nearly ripped the metal device out of her chest! A huge, deformed lump appear in Sofia's cleavage; it looked so painful! Hank swooped into action and removed the device, but it ruptured, giving Sofia radiation poisoning. The twisted kicker to it all? Sofia interpreted the implant in her implants as a sign of how devoted hubby Javier was to her.

Sofia wasn't the only person afflicted with an unconventional malady. The enigmatic Boris (played by Campbell Scott) appears to have a secret disease he won't talk about. Based on his interest in Katie's research with sharks, I'm going to guess some type of cancer. Oh, the fact that Boris keeps a shark in his basement inspired one of the best lines of the night (from Hank): "I feel like I'm living on a Bond villain's property." We also got to see a few more of Divya's secrets. Hank's super-hot physician's assistant met Raj, the fiancé her mother lined up for an arranged...I mean, "strategic" marriage. Sadly, there appeared to be no chemistry between them. Which must have been the case with Jill and Charlie, her ex. Did we already know Jill used to be married? Considering how mercenary Evan is, it's no wonder he name-checked Grey Goose, Facebook and even He-Man and the Masters of the Universe! (Only the vodka brand bought an actual commercial, though.)

BURN NOTICE has been conspicuously stingy with the "How to Spy" tips lately, which makes me wonder if some watchdog group has been complaining. If anyone is concerned about terrorist groups learning any new tricks of the trade, I'll remind you that the show always leaves out a key ingredient or step, so that unsupervised children cannot replicate the feats of Michael Westen and co. That being said, the Spy Tricks returned this week, and the tutorial on how to take out street lights with a cell phone was pretty cool. But that bit about making blood squibs with C4 and bottle caps sounded a bit too dangerous to even dare trying at home. (Yeah, like you have access to C4, anyway...) I was disappointed to see Nicholas Lea, who was so wonderfully evil as Krychek, the "rat boy" traitor of THE X-FILES, wasted in an essentially generic part. Lea should be reserved for a Big Bad role.

July 22, 2009
RESCUE ME's Tommy Gavin has turned the corner from being merely a self-destructive guy who causes a lot of collateral damage to a self-destructive guy who takes others down with him. This week's episode culminated in Tommy leading (most of) his family back to drinking. The extended clan had gathered to stage an intervention to make Tommy stop drinking, but he turned the tables in a big way. But the intervention was probably doomed from the moment it was decided to conduct it in a bar. (Good thinking, Maggie!) Defrocked Mickey was able to keep the faith and resist the lure of the demon booze, but Tommy's siren song got to everyone else. This episodes deft mix of the deadly serious and seriously childish — the subplot about Needles' mail-order Russian bride was a juvenile as it was funny — just makes last week's Emmy snubs all the more difficult to take. RESCUE ME totally deserved an outstanding drama nod, and Denis Leary should have been nominated in the lead actor category. At least Michael J. Fox landed his richly deserved guest-actor nomination. So it wasn't a total washout.

It's not in the same league, dramatically speaking, but I am liking Syfy's new WAREHOUSE 13 more and more each week. Eddie McClintock and Joanne Kelly are fleshing out their characters with some fun quirks (ice skating helps Myka think; Pete is obsessed with cookies) and Saul Rubinek is getting a grip on exactly what kind of lovable eccentric Artie will be. I am especially impressed with the way Myka is proving to be a very vulnerable character, rather than the "tougher-than-any-man" stereotype of a fed. Her mixture of guilt and barely suppressed hostility dovetail nicely with Pete's boyish enthusiasm.

July 16, 2009
I find it very intriguing that GENERAL HOSPITAL's Olivia chose to tell Dante that she did not know who his father is. She could easily have told him his father died, but she didn't. It feels to me like Liv deliberately left the door open in case she ever decided, at some future point, to let Dante in on the secret. If she had told her son that his father was dead, then she could not introduce him later without looking like a terrible liar. Of course, pretending to be clueless was a lie, as well, but Liv must have felt it was a lesser deception. Perhaps she simply could not bring herself to deny Sonny utterly — implying that she still carried a tiny torch for him. And what if that little spark gets fanned back to life?

It is entertaining to see Dante, masquerading as "Dominic," interacting with Sonny, because we can see the similarities — Dante obviously inherited his big stones from daddy. And Sonny recognizes...something in Dom, but he just can't place it. It will be fun to watch GH tease the revelation — will Olivia slip up? Will Dante need a blood transfusion for which Sonny is the only match? (Don't laugh, that sort of thing happens to soap kids like clockwork!) Or will they never find out?

July 15, 2009
Once again, ABC Daytime is presenting viewers with concurrent storylines on two soaps that are suspiciously similar. On GENERAL HOSPITAL, a philandering politician was accused of killing his mistress, then a former lover came under suspicion, but his vengeful, neglected wife may have done the deed. ALL MY CHILDREN has a tale about a philandering politician who was himself killed by his vengeful, neglected wife, but his former lover may be blamed for the deed.

And it's not the first time this year that the two shows have had eerie coincidences with somewhat unlikely plot points. GH and AMC both hit upon the...shall we say, statistically improbable concept of surprise adult twin sisters of dead characters. After GH's Rebecca blew into Port Charles, she was revealed to be Emily's unguessed-at twin. AMC's Marissa appeared after Krystal suddenly remembered giving birth to (non-identical) twins. Rebecca and Marissa each haven taken up with the grieving spouse of their sister. The idea of identical twins is almost as old as soaps, but at least only one of these is evil (so far). And even though Rebecca set out with nefarious intent, she can be reformed by Nikolas' love. Meanwhile, Marissa appears to be good-hearted and benign — but can the influence of Daddy David turn her to the Dark Side?

July 14, 2009
The farther it goes off the rails, the more I have been enjoying YOUNG AND RESTLESS. Currently, the major stories hinge on a guy who poked needles into his eyes to fake blindness and now is pretending to be gay; a guy who impersonated someone else for years; a fellow who faked his own death so he wouldn't have to tell anyone he's gay; and a hysterical pregnancy. Toss in that stuffed cat, and I have to wonder if anything is real on Y&R? Yesterday even gave us a phony OB-GYN packing a prerecorded ultrasound to help the not-pregnancy conspiracy along.

I like how recast Michael Muhney is playing Adam, especially the way he sometimes doesn't look at people he's speaking to, as if he lost sight of them. That's a nice, subtle touch. And that little bit of business where he spotted Kitty had me laughing out loud. At least everybody on the show seems to be having fun with it. Y&R is just pretext piled upon pretense, and I'm loving it.

July 13, 2009
The lead-up Lizzie and Bill's wedding today on GUIDING LIGHT was a near thing — nearly too over-the-top with its silliness. In one of those "everything that can go wrong does go wrong" scenarios, the Lewis wedding day imploded: the band canceled, leaving Bill with a couple of CDs and a boom box, and there was a ludicrous mix-up with the flowers (how could any professional florist believe a bride would order bulbs for her ceremony?) that left Lizzie holding a handful of shabby blooms. And the kicker — the invitations had the wrong date. This last bit was biggest stretch. Ashlee selected the date during a televised news conference, and Lizzie has been Lizzie obsessing for the last month over how little time she has, and keeping a day-by-day countdown. Sure, everybody likes to see a little drama and misfortune on the road to happiness, but c'mon! This crossed the line into fantasy badness. Bizzie were actually reduced to catering their own reception with Pringles and a cake cobbled together from Twinkies!

Luckily, GL had an extreme remedy for the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune: a pal who went above and beyond. Dinah pulled together an impromptu outdoor ceremony for Bill and Lizzie that was moving in its simplicity and grace. Okay, so Reva and Jeffrey also got married outside in a potluck ceremony. But now ad-hoc weddings can be GL's signature. With the show being canceled in September, everyone can hitched in a massive, spur-of-the-moment ceremony on Main Street (natch!), presided over by Father Ray and defrocked Rev. Josh.