May 20, 2008
The season finale of GOSSIP GIRL began with Lily waking up in Rufus' bed on the day of her wedding to Bart. Chuck woke up (fully dressed) in Blair's bed, much to her horror. Serena discovered that Georgina had spent the night at Dan's place. She flipped out and confessed the whole "I thought I killed some guy and you'd hate me so it was better you thought I slept with two strange men" thing. Bart and Lily had a coded conversation about revisiting "things" they loved when they were young — and how they should be let things — old buildings or old boyfriends — go.

With Dan's help, Blair delivered the killing blow to Georgina by delivering the spawn of Satan to the only power she fears: the parental units. As good as Leighton Meester (Blair) is at acting the cat who swallowed the canary, Matthew Settle (Rufus) is even better at playing thunderstruck. Witness his expression when Dan told him Lily's wedding was going forward. Rufus looked at Lily with such adoration in his eyes. After 20 years, they still make each other nervous. Nevertheless, he sent her off down the aisle. Serena wasn't the one getting married, but she looked so seasick she may as well have been. That was because Dan told her he didn't sleep with Georgina, "but I may as well have." He was angry at Serena lying to him, not at the one big lie she thought he'd be mad about. Still, they left it with "Have a nice summer; see ya back at school."

Of course they weren't the only couple not getting along. Chuck and Nate butted heads over Blair — can you believe Chuck admitted "I was in love with Blair"? Chuck tossed his notes and addressed his best man toast to Blair — which may have been a romantic gesture, but made for a lousy speech, since it was all about him. Still, it worked on Blair: He got a dance. And a kiss. Chuck arranged to give Blair a lift to Europe, and everything looked cool — until Bart scared his son with a speech about how having a "real" girlfriend would mature him. I could see the wheels turning behind the panic in his eyes. All too conveniently, Lily arrived with a cute assistant, and Chuck immediately hit on her, leaving an oblivious Blair to fly to Europe with a handsome stranger. I have to admit that I was heartened to hear him deliver what I call his Bass line: "I'm Chuck Bass." I have enjoyed the evolution of Chuck season. As personified by Ed Westwick, it felt like I was watching the birth of a supervillain; all the drama and travails (all the more tragic for being self-inflicted) were hardening his heart and strangling his soul. I half expect him to don Dr. Doom armor and set out to conquer the world — hey, SMALLVILLE needs a new Big Bad next season. When evil is an option, who wants to see a "nice" Chuck Bass? Not this observer. Tossing Blair aside to nail some random chippie was perfectly Chuck. And the perfect note to lead into the gang's summer hiatus. No cliff-hanger needed to attract viewers this fall.

ONE TREE HILL's season's finale picked up the thread of Lucas drinking away his days and nights, trying to drown his memories of Lindsay. At some point he engaged a hairstylist to give him a Mohawk. Now, some of you might think little Jamie modeled his faux-hawk on his Uncle Luke's look, but he actually stole it from my 7-year-old nephew, who wore a faux-hawk all last summer — and I have the photographs to prove it. Anyway, Luke was not the only one clinging stubbornly to the past: Brooke resisted letting Angie go home — going so far as to ask Dr. Eyebrows (better known as TV's Chris Beetem — ex Tate, ONE LIFE TO LIVE) to find a medical excuse to keep her in the country. Peyton became a mad water-bomber. And Nate's private basketball practices with Quentin deteriorated to the point where the younger man blasted him for playing scared. It's easier to have a dream taken away than to try it and fail. Finally, Jamie has refused to venture into the pool ever since he fell in. He told his father it was okay if he never played hoops again. Yes: Even a 5-year-old could see the parallels between his being afraid to literally dive into an actual pool and his father's reluctance to get back in the (basketball) game. The writing is that anvilicious.

But everything began to change when Lindsay visited Lucas. She kind of wanted to tell him his book was finished except for the dedication, but she kind of wanted to stomp on his heart in person. Then, to the tune of Boston's "The Man I'll Never Be," Jamie mustered the courage (and donned the water wings) to take the plunge. And things started to change. Brooke gave up Angie, and a newly-shorn Lucas was there to support her. Meanwhile, Dan willed a minister named Howard Carter to die and cede him the top spot on the heart-transplant list. (I know what you were thinking: Wasn't Howard Carter the famous Egyptologist who discovered Tutankhamun's tomb in 1922? Why, yes, he was.) Peyton decided to write "I will always love you" on the playground basketball court as a message to Lucas. Luckily, Haley was there to help Lucas hold it together.

Lucas texted Lindsay the following dedication for his book: "To all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love." Of course, that instantly melted her heart, and she immediately called him, sobbing into his voicemail that she forgot the immensity of his love. (Wait — kids, don't read that last sentence; it's not what it sounds like). "Of course I miss you," she cried. "It's all I do." But Lucas was busy trying to come to terms with Peyton. Let me ask: Why does Peyton act like Lucas owes her an apology? She blew him off. (Wait — kids, don't read that last sentence; it's not what it sounds like). She rejected him; his sin was trying to move on. Like I said, everything changed. Nathan suddenly discovered the ability to not only take the rock to the hole but dunk on Q. Howard Carter died (was it the Curse of the Pharaohs?), and while Dan was rejoicing he actually helped a little old man with a cane. So, of course he got run down in the street by a speeding car. Then his beeper went off. Now that's a curse! With only a handful of seconds left, it was time to reprise the promotional spots: Lucas sat at the airport and dialed someone. The three women in his life, Peyton, Lindsay and Brooke, all coincidentally answered their phones, and he appeared to ask one of them to fly to Las Vegas with him and get married tonight. Then the screen faded to black without resolution. (C'mon, you didn't really believe that they would reveal whom he was talking to, did you?) And Journey wasn't even playing.

Hmmm, is the season premiere of THE BACHELORETTE a fair representation of what it's like out there in the dating pool? If so, I think I've let my novelty skill-set atrophy. I cannot knock a lemon off another dude's skull with a roundhouse kick; I don't have rock-hard abs of steel; and I don't own a duck call or a clown suit. Then again, those qualities were not necessarily winners last night either. DeAnna Pappas, who lost out on last November's edition of THE BACHELOR when Brad Womack didn't choose anyone (way to validate that no-commitment stereotype, dude), climbed into the dating driver's seat to distribute roses to 15 out of 25 would-be suitors who strutted and preened like peacocks at the forest watering hole. An enterprising fellow wrote DeAnna's name on the back of his swim trunks. This is what women want?

I want to call it a day for Night Shift…

May 19, 2008
This week's DOCTOR WHO was a treat for old-school fans such as myself, thanks to the return of the Sontarans. I found it rather brave that the-powers-that-be brought back such funny-looking foes without a radical redesign. (That "baked potato" crack has been a running joke in fandom since the 1970s.) Even better, we get a proper U.N.I.T. story! While U.N.I.T. has been mentioned in passing on the new WHO ("Aliens of London" and "World War Three") and on TORCHWOOD, we haven't seen a real, full-scale UNIT story until now. The series also reached all the way back to last season for Martha Jones (once again played by the lovely Freema Agyeman, complete with her theme music). I love it when a show utilizes its history.

I will now reflect a bit on U.N.I.T. and the Sontarans. If you're not interested in history, skip ahead a couple of grafs…

History Lesson I: U.N.I.T. has played a major role in the Doctor's career, and vice versa. In fact, the Doctor was instrumental in the creation of U.N.I.T. (which then stood for United Nations Intelligence Taskforce; now it's the UNified Intelligence Taskforce) — his Seventh and Second personas battled Daleks and Yetis, respectively, in London in the 1960s, pointing out the need for a military force to protect Earth. The Second Doctor subsequently took part in U.N.I.T.'s very first battle, helping the taskforce repel a Cyberman invasion. When the 10th Doctor mentioned he worked for U.N.I.T. back in the '70s, he was talking about the period when his third incarnation was exiled to Earth by the High Council of Time Lords (it's complicated). He signed on as the official scientific adviser to U.N.I.T., and the identity "Dr. John Smith" was created for him. (That's why Col. Pace told the 10th Doctor he was "still on staff.") U.N.I.T. saw only spot duty following the Fourth Doctor's tenure, and the last proper U.N.I.T. story was "Battlefield," featuring the Seventh Doctor, in 1989.

History Lesson II: The Sontarans appeared in four stories during the original run of the series. The first came while the Third Doctor was working for U.N.I.T. Sontarans are a race of clones hailing from a highly militaristic empire. They are perpetually at war with the Rutan Host — a race that resembles giant jellyfish without the tentacles. The Sontarans are so brazen that they actually invaded the Doctor's home planet, Gallifrey! They were last seen in "The Two Doctors," in which the Second and Sixth Doctors teamed up. The characteristic giant helmets led to rumors they were slated to appear in last year's "Smith and Jones" — ironically the story that introduced Martha (but those soldiers turned out to be the Judoon). The probic vent (on the back of their necks) is the Sontarans' weak spot, but they are also vulnerable to coronic acid — and hubris.

Back in the present: Martha has summoned the Doctor back to Earth, and we learn she is engaged to Tom Milligan, the hunky doctor who helped her back in "The Sound of Drums." Good for her. We also get another glimpse of Donna's grandfather, Wilfred — he and the Doctor actually recognize each other from "Voyage of the Damned." (Did I mention I was loving all these connections to the past?) Martha is investigating problems associated with the Atmos pollution-control system. Hmmm...does Atmos remind anyone else of Archangel from last season? Of course it's an alien plot. I loved how the Doctor spotted the alien technology, and said it was like finding a cell phone in the Middle Ages, because when the Third Doctor met a Sontaran, it was back in the Middle Ages, when he found a Sontaran called Linx supplying knights with guns centuries before gunpowder was introduced to Europe. It's the little details that matter. In this case, Gen. Staal of the 10th Sontaran Battle Group was using Earth to build a clone army (poor Martha was cloned herself in part one!) and apparently Atmos will help him get rid of the pesky human population. The episode ended with the Atmos devices poisoning the air. The fate of the entire is world hanging in the balance pending part two, but that's just another day at the office for the Doctor.

On BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, Demetrius and the captured basestar jump to the fleet together — only there's a malfunction on Demetrius, so the Cylon ship jumps into the middle of the fleet alone — with a frakked-up communications system, so they can't signal that friendlies are aboard. Now that's an exciting opening! Luckily, Demetrius shows up, but only after Tigh has mysteriously sensed something and stopped Adama from blowing up the basestar. Natalie and the Cylons reveal to Adama and his officers that not only have the Final Five models been to Earth, "the Final Five are in your fleet." In exchange for the Colonials helping them resurrect the Threes (who can identify the Five), the Cylons offer to let the humans destroy the Cylon Resurrection Hub, because the rebel Twos, Sixes and Eights want to end the cycle of rebirth.

Tigh is not thrilled at the prospect of an "unboxed" Three fingering the five. The Quorum is not thrilled about teaming up with Cylons. And Gaeta is not thrilled that his leg had to be amputated, so he spent the episode singing (portrayer Alessandro Juliani did his own singing). Later, Roslin, Sharon and Caprica Six share a vision of searching the Opera House for Hera. Awake, Sharon is distressed to see Hera obsessively drawing pictures of Six. Hera disappears and runs into Natalie, just as Sharon spots her. Sharon has Hera removed, then shoots Nat. Meanwhile, Roslin has brought Baltar to the basestar to get to the bottom of her visions. When the deactivated Hybrid is plugged in, she screams "Jump!" and the basestar disappears with all aboard.

Hoo-boy, things are getting crazy and picking up speed!

Speaking of crazy, on the season finale of GHOST WHISPERER, Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt) finally got to the bottom of the her father's story. In true soap fashion, Tom, the man she believed to be her father for all these years, was not her daddy after all. Her mother, Beth, hid the identity of her real father, Paul Eastman, because he was in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Meanwhile, Beth married Tom, the DA who locked up Paul. But wait, it got messier: Paul escaped and confronted the man who framed him — Tom — forcing Tom to kill him. Melinda witnessed the murder but suppressed the memory (until now). So Tom tried to kill her, but Paul's ghost saved her.

Sex, lies and ghosts? Sounds like an ABC soap to me! I'd guess the only reason Melinda doesn't visit ALL MY CHILDREN's Pine Valley or GENERAL HOSPITAL's Port Charles is because GHOST WHISPERER airs on CBS. The nominal cliff-hanger for next season hinged on the obnoxious Dr. Rick noticing that six people cast only five shadows. What does that mean? (It could mean his portrayer, Jay Mohr, is off to a new series — PROJECT GARY, which just got picked up by CBS — and may or may be back on WHISPERER.)

The projected "season finale" of MOONLIGHT turns out to have been the series finale, as it was canceled a few days earlier. The cancellation came just as the series was trying to expand its mythos, but it wasn't doing anything new anyway — humans who volunteer to let vamps feed on them? Please. Been there, bitten that. This vampire series sucked. (Sorry, but this is my last chance to use that gag…)

On Sunday night, I decided to give the season finale of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES a whirl. I haven't paid attention to this series in a few seasons, and while some stuff remains — Susan and Mike, Bree still has a stick up her...back — others change. Where is Edie? Who is this "daughter" tormenting Lynette with false accusations of child abuse? When did so many soap people take up residency? Nathan Fillion (ex-Joey, ONE LIFE TO LIVE; better know to me as Capt. Mal Reynolds of FIREFLY/Serenity) is playing Adam, and GENERAL HOSPITAL's Epiphany, Sonya Eddy, is stretching her her wings as...a hospital administrator of some sort. And there's Tuc Watkins, ONE LIFE TO LIVE's David, playing Bob, who trying to get married — sorry, committed to another man amid all the usual pre-wedding disaster clichés. Kyle MacLachlan (Orson) will always be TWIN PEAKS' Special Agent Dale Cooper to me, so I hang on his every word, waiting for him to call someone "Diane." (It never happens.) While slogging through the plotlines (this late in the season it's unfair to complain that the episodes are too dense for new viewers), I flip over to CBS, which is airing THE ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS. I am not a fan of country; despise the stuff. It just sounds...wait a second...who is this "Taylor Swift" person, and why is she singing in an indoor rainstorm? Y'know, I always said country music got a bad rap!

Back on ABC, it turns out that while billed as a "two-part" finale, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES is really just back-to-back episodes. The idea that Kayla is assembling a puzzle in her room rather than texting or watching TV is the most unrealistic thing I've seen all weekend is — and that's taking into account a ghost in a burn-victim mask, potato-headed aliens and a living spaceship. I'd sooner buy the idea that abusive husband Wayne (Gary Cole, Mike in the Brady Bunch movies) would be protected by his fellow cops on the force. Or that Mike Brady could take out space pirate Mal. (As if!)

Anyway, Katherine shoots her abusive ex dead, and the ladies of Wisteria Lane conspire to cover it up. Then the scene jumps to five years in the future, and viewers learn: Gabby has two daughters; Katherine's daughter Dylan has gotten engaged in Paris; Lynette's twins have grown into teen delinquents; Bree has published a cookbook, Andrew is her adoring assistant, and Orson her adoring hubby(?); Susan is not with Mike, but rather with somebody played by Gale Harold. Huh?

That must remain a question for another time, but not the next Night Shift....

May 16, 2008
SMALLVILLE wrapped up its seventh season last night by tying off the ongoing Brainiac storyline. Unfortunately, that meant the end of the line for James Marsters (ex-Spike, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER). The reveal that Brainiac was posing as Clark's cousin, Kara, was supposed to be a surprise, but I knew something was up when "Kara" callously killed three people. Also, it was a season finale, and dramatic finale appearances are sort of Marsters' thing — he also showed up in the heart-wrenching finale of TORCHWOOD. SMALLVILLE executive producers Al Gough and Miles Milllar are leaving the series, so they did their best to tie off plot threads and position the characters for next season. (Gough in particular will be missed, because he was always happy to talk to me about the series. Millar was a good interview, too, but I worked with Gough more often.) Lex Luthor finally learned Clark's secret: He is "The Traveller." Lex called Clark a "mild-mannered farm boy" who is secretly "a strange visitor from another planet." LOL! Lex also located the Fortress of Solitude in the arctic and destroyed it to "protect" mankind. Clark and Lex were buried in the rubble of the collapsing fortress in one cliff-hanger, while Chloe was arrested by the Department of Domestic Security (courtesy of a tip from Lex) for another. Poor Jimmy had just proposed, and Chloe didn't even have time to respond. (Allison Mack has signed a new contract, so Chloe will be back next season.) More subtle seeds for the future were also planted: Lois started looking at Clark in that way, and encouraged him to apply for an internship at The Daily Planet. Lana left town, begging Clark not to follow her. She did this via DVD. (And you thought the Fortress of Solitude was cold!) Well, at least she cried when she broke it off — and the man of steel got weepy, too.

Michael Rosenbaum and Kristin Kreuk have let their contracts expire, so Lex and Lana will be seen only sporadically next season, if at all. Which is a shame. I never got to meet Kreuk, but I did run talk to Rosenbaum several times. He is a genuinely nice guy and a great hockey fan (Go, Rangers!).

I must say, the special effects were a real letdown in this episode. They were obviosuly rushed. The simple flying effects at the beginning were poorly lit, and the large-scale destruction of the the fortress looked looked teribly cheap and rushed. In fact, the overall scale of the episode may have seemed big enough for a finale, but it just didn't come across onscreen. I couldn't help remembering the mulitple-tornado ending of season one, or the damn bursting last season for...um, splashier finales.

SUPERNATURAL also had an epic finish in mind, but the execution was also a little slow. Odd, considering that the story dealt with Dean (DAYS OF OUR LIVES’ former Eric, Jensen Ackles) being condemned to hell (and finally going there). The story gave Ackles and onscreen brother Sam, played by (ex-Dean, GILMORE GIRLS), some solid opportunities for sibling bonding. Dean has always been the happy-go-lucky lady-killer, and seeing him act all vulnerable and weepy was a big change. Sam was always the more-sensitive little brother, but Padalecki never makes Sam seem wimpy, even when he’s sobbing. In last season’s finale, Dean cut a deal with a demon who agreed to save the wounded Sam’s life in exchange for Dean’s soul in exactly one year’s time. I was glad to see Sam express how guilty the bargain made him feel — really, who wants a debt like that on his conscience? But obviously Dean was serious when he promised he would do "anything" for his brother.

Another fine performance came from Katie Cassidy, who got some really meaty stuff to play as the demonic Ruby. Cassidy usually plays up Ruby’s attractiveness in a subtle, pantherish manner, but when the more powerful demon Lillith took over Ruby’s body, Cassidy rolled her head, held her limbs stiffly and walked with an awkward gait that made Ruby seem like a marionette. But there was a corresponding fire in Cassidy’s eyes that warned Lillith was still deadly dangerous. I hope Ruby will be back next season. (How funny was it when Dean mentioned that he could see Ruby’s true demon face, and it was mighty ugly!)

On the negative side, there was an underlying sense of dread that the clock was ticking (the deadline was midnight, natch), but not a lot of building tension because the time element was not front and center. In fact, when the clock started tolling 12, I thought, "That’s it? Midnight already?" Also, the story of what Lillith was doing while waiting to collect Dean’s soul — possessing the body of a little girl and using it to terrify and murder her family while demanding indulgences like birthday cake every day (Lilith’s idea of R&R) — smacked too much of the classic THE TWILIGHT ZONE episode "It’s a Good Life." In fact, the similarity was so distracting it took me out of Dean’s story.

Nevertheless, the story did deliver the thrills at the end. One of the great things about SUPERNATURAL is that is tends to take chances with stories. On most other shows Dean would have been rescued (most likely thanks to the last-second intervention of his father, John), but not this one. This is SUPERNATURAL, so Dean could not bust the deal, and thus was torn apart by a hellhound and his soul spirited to a very Clive Barker-ish hell of hooks and chains. His final, plaintive cries of "Sam, help me!" were pathetic and chilling. Good thing SUPERNATURAL will be back for a fourth season this fall.

The Oceanic 6 came home last night, in the first installment of the three-part LOST finale (parts two and three air back-to-back on May 29). This episode began with Jack, Kate, Hugo, Sun, Sayid and Aaron on a Coast Guard plane being delivered to Hawaii. They got their story straight between them and then attended a press conference. The Oceanic PR person, Karen, was played by Michelle Forbes, who tends to land the best gigs. She was Admiral Cain on BATTTLESTAR GALACTICA, and has had key roles on other cool shows like 24, PRISON BREAK, ALIAS, THE INSIDE, HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREETS and STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. Oh, yeah — she also played Dr. Sonni Wells on a show called GUIDING LIGHT. There was something chilling about hearing Sayid declare, "No, absolutely not," when asked if it was possible that anyone else survived the crash of Flight 815. Karen claimed the uncharted island the Oceanic 6 were stranded on was called Membata, off Indonesia. I looked it up, and found the word is apparently Indonesian for "uncertainty." Hmmm...
B What was unique about this flash-forward was that it did not stick with any single character. We got to follow Jack, Sun, Sayid, Kate and Hugo in turn. Very interesting... Also, Jack finally learned that Claire is/was his half-sister.

Back on the island, we learned that a new station, The Orchid, is the key to moving the island. Ben knows how to do this, and implies that moving the island has been accomplished before (perhaps this is why it is difficult to find), but the act is "dangerous and unpredictable," and only to be used as "a last resort." I also liked Sun and Jin’s reaction to seeing Michael on the boat (And bravo to future Sun for buying a controlling interest in her father’s business!). Too bad the freighter turned out to be rigged with C4 explosives. Looks like it won’t be smooth sailing after all...

With that, I will sail into the sunset until the next Night Shift...

May 15, 2008
See, this is why I make a lousy AMERICAN IDOL fan: I really, truly dislike every one of the final three contestants. Choosing among them is definitely a "lesser evil" situation for me. Last night's results show opened with an utterly bland rendition of "Ain't No Stopping Us Now." (Well, not quite; one of them was about to be stopped in her tracks…) David Archuleta — hereafter referred to as "David A." — appeared nervous and so out of his element during his solos that he actually looked pained; David Cook and Syesha fared a little better, but the poor song was just brutalized. The entire performance was just bad elevator music — a freight elevator at that. Not losing the…er, momentum, IDOL returned from a commercial break so the kids could murder "How Far Is Heaven" as part of an in-house Ford commercial. Seriously — these are the final three?!

What's this? Season 3 IDOL winner Fantasia has come on to screech some blaring, up-tempo number. Turns out the song was called "Bore Me," and she must have feared the audience would take the title seriously, because she ran around the stage like her hair was on fire. Well, it was dyed neon red. I think Simon was wearing the same horrified expression I was.

Time to check in on CRIMINAL MINDS…. Oh, how fitting. The CW just announced 90210, a sequel to BEVERLY HILLS 90210, and the here's the original Mr. Walsh (i.e., James Eckhouse), looking upset about something. Brandon wants to borrow the car and visit the Peach Pit? I see: he's playing Mr. Corbett, whose daughter was murdered by a serial killer. Corbett has a revolver in his glove box. I wonder if he's going to perforate the killer who's on trial. No…Reed stops him. Get thee back to Beverly Hills, dude…

And we're back to IDOL. Ryan summons David A. to the stage, and there's so much squealing that I wonder if GENERAL HOSPITAL's Maurice Benard had accidentally wandered onto the stage. (You haven't heard screaming until you've heard the balcony go berserk for Mo at the Daytime Emmys; it's as loud as an NHL playoff game — but higher-pitched.) Now it's time for a taped piece chronicling David's trip home to Utah. Is he crying? There's no crying in AMERICAN IDOL! Wait, that's baseball. Okay, there is crying in IDOL. And apparently David wants the audience to cry because now he's butchering John Lennon's "Imagine." Yep — lots of 12-year-old girls are weeping. That David is so mean…

Speaking of mean, the producers want Ryan to stretch the show to an entire hour, so I actually feel sorry for the desperate way he's forced to vamp. All nine of the previous night's performances have already been recapped via videotape, but now Ryan reads summations of the judges' comments about all nine of the previous night's performances…. And then it's time for a clip package reviewing David A.'s "journey." Hey, that's strange: No mention of him winning $100,000 on STAR SEARCH. Why not?

Next up is Syesha, who went home to Florida to cry with the hometown crowds.

Hey, there's Andrew, the Cook brother who was supposed to be on IDOL, before a producer bullied David into auditioning. Ryan invites him onstage for a minute. Yep, that makes everything all right; thanks, Ry-dog. The Cooks are from Missouri, so of course IDOL takes the state's "Show Me" motto seriously by starting David's clips. He almost manages to hold back the tears. Coolest bit: He got to throw out the first pitch at a Kansas City Royals baseball game. (I'm a Yankee fan, but I still see the appeal.)

For about the 56th time, Ryan mentions that 56 million votes were cast for the final three. (A colleague of mine — who shall remain nameless — was among them. Since there was no "None of the Above" choice, I refrained.) And the final will pit... David vs. David! Goodbye, Syesha. She gets to sing one last song, during which she is remarkable composed. Then the camera zooms in for a final shot as she holds the last note — and she's smiling! She must be counting the money already.

On BOSTON LEGAL, George Segal wants Denny Crane (William Shatner) to run for president of the United States! Yes, the Denny Crane. The one whose crazy antics are a matter of public record. The Denny Crane with the hooker fetish. (Why not just ask Eliot Spitzer, for frak's sake?) Even for BOSTON LEGAL this is wacky. So I check what's going on over at CSI:NY. Oh, yeah, continuing that "Cabbie Killer" plotline. We're supposed to believe that not a single one of the 16 million people crammed onto the island of Manhattan each day will hail a cab until the killer is caught? Have the show's writers ever been to New York? I know people who would sit next to a corpse in a taxi if it stopped for them during rush hour.

And now it's time to stop this edition of Night Shift…

May 13, 2008
Serena's big secret of GOSSIP GIRL is finally out: She feels like a murderer because some creepy aspiring rapist overdosed instead of molesting her. She confessed to Blair, Nate and Chuck — or, as B. dubbed them, the "Non-judgmental Breakfast Club." S. was so horrified by her secret that she allowed Dan to think she had cheated on him instead of confessing she's a "killer." The lie was enough for him to hoof it and end up being comforted by "Sarah" (actually Serena's former partner in crime, Georgina, who set up Serena's fatal tryst! Ironic much?). Sarah/Georgie's masquerade came out, but she was able to spin it to her advantage. Michelle Trachtenberg has been a revelation as the sinister G., especially to anyone who only knew her only as BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER's Dawn. Leighton Meester was surprisingly effective in BFF mode; the glare she gave Chuck after discovering Georgina's whereabouts was a mix of self-satisfaction, anger and predatory glee. The night's other most significant event: Lily left her own wedding rehearsal dinner and ended up at Rufus' concert — where she kissed him. Finally! And Vanessa finally maneuvered Nate into asking her on a proper date, but it was screwed up by Georgie's presence. How lame was Dan, leaving his own father's concert while in thrall to Georgina? Then again, he's only a guy, and he'd just had his heart broken, and Georgie is easy on the eyes...

ONE TREE HILL pulled the increasingly used stunt (thanks, LOST!) of opening the episode with story threads at interesting points, then flashing back to how they got there. Brooke got word that Angie could have her surgery immediately; she was on standby for a doctor to donate time, and Chris Beetem (ex-Tate, ONE LIFE TO LIVE; ex-Jordan, AS THE WORLD TURNS ) just became available from CASHMERE MAFIA. In contrast, Dan learned he was No. 2 on the heart-transplant list. In the midst of training for his basketball comeback, Nathan was unable to drag Jamie up a hillside. Welcome to old age, Nate. Later, Jamie discovered the thank-you card he drew for his grandfather in the trash, and was devastated. My first thought was, "Isn't supermom Haley a better housekeeper than that?" Then I decided taking out the trash was probably Nate's job, and he's...well, Nate. When Haley found the 5-year-old wandering in the street alone, she took him to a playground, where the show's trademark on-the-nose scripting worked in its favor: She was direct and honest with him, telling the kid his Grandpa Dan was a bad guy, and she didn't want her son to get hurt. "You shouldn't lie to me, momma," he observed, sagely.

Lucas had...an incident during the big game with Bear Creek. With one-handed Quentin running point, the Ravens played a three-point offense with full-court press defense, and went into halftime with a lead. Then Lindsay called Lucas (Yes, she called during a game!) to tell him she's dating someone. Jeez, heartless much? A furious Lucas came out for the second half and took out his anger on the team. Unfortunately, the Bear Creek coach ordered a player to hit Q's bad wrist (Anybody else have visions of The Karate Kid's Kreese ordering Johnny to "Sweep the leg"?), and the flagrant foul set Lucas off. He ended up grabbing one of the players (which is inexcusable) and starting a brawl. He abandons the game and gets drunk at Tric.

The guest appearance by Kate Voegele as Mia was welcome, but felt mostly tacked-on — like it was just a way to do a PSA for Rock the Vote and product placement for Star— er, some fruity candy and an amusement park. I'll tell myself that Mia was actually there to give OTH an excuse to use Leonard Cohen's near-ubiquitous "Hallelujah" in the montage.

The coup de grace of the entire episode came in the final scene: After Peyton lugged drunk Lucas home, stripped him and put him to bed with a kiss, he woke up, recognized her and grumbled: "I hate you. I wish you never came back. You ruined my life." Peyton looked like she'd been hit between the eyes with a shovel! Priceless.

CSI: MIAMI: I have been to Miami, and I know the air there is not orange, but the photography of this show makes it look like it should be orange, because it looks so damn cool.

THE BACHELOR: LONDON CALLING: After weeks of crying wolf about its finale with misleading promos, this show finally reached its endgame, with Matt, Shayne and Chelsea. "This journey has been incredible," Matt sighed. Do the guys sign a contract stating they have to call their experiences on the show a "journey"? (I thought this was supposed to be unscripted!?) Matt had the nerve to confess to the camera, "I haven't made my decision yet." What is he waiting for? More importantly, what will be his commitment level to the relationship? He insisted he's in love with two women — which is not good for the winner. You do not want your husband admitting to being in love with someone else on national TV.

Moment(s) of Truth: Chelsea said she couldn't imagine herself without Matt. But she has to, because he sent her packing. She tried to plead her case instead of blubbering, which was admirable, but then she got angry and dissed Shayne, which was not cool. She called Shayne fake, which seemed to offend Matt. Then, Shayne arrived; Matt dropped to one knee and uttered those five words every woman longs to hear: "Monkey, will you marry me?" How could a mon—, er, gal say "No"? Word is Matt and Shayne are still together, but give it a week and we'll have a better handle on their long-term odds. (BTW, my colleague Julie tipped Shayne as the winner weeks ago. Good job!)

Now I must turn my attention to other facets of my job, those things I do when I'm not working the Night Shift...

May 12, 2008
GHOST WHISPERER: Sadly, GENERAL HOSPITAL's Ignacio Serricchio (Diego, who's really ex this time!) had little more than a cameo in this episode in which Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt) got a few answers about her father, Tom (played by indie film mainstay Martin Donovan). But it also raised more questions: Why does dear old Dad seem to prefer his son (previously shown to have a big hate on for Melinda) to his daughter? Is the ghost of the man Tom wrongfully prosecuted long ago possessing his body in order to kill him? If so, why not just throw Tom off a bridge instead of shooting himself? And why is the ghost haunting Melinda decades later? Gabriel's presence makes the long-time viewer want to connect Tom to the underground nightmare of angry spirits lurking beneath Grandview...but is that accurate? Will we ever see Aisha Tyler (Melinda's late best friend, Andrea) again? Um, anyway...Hewitt again cries beautifully (Yes, I do look at her eyes!). Serricchio plays evil-or-not sibling Gabriel with a kind of laconic menace that promises there's something more to his character than what we've seen so far. And I'm interested to see if that river of blood flowing under the door was real or a ghost-image.

MOONLIGHT has a lot going against it in my book, mostly stemming from the completely unoriginal premise. I despised the cliché-riddled pilot. But most damning: I was a megafan of ANGEL (I got to interview David Boreanaz in person twice — he is a gentleman and a scholar), so no vampire PI gets a free pass from me. MOONLIGHT also had a strong mitigating factor in that I love Sophia Myles, who plays love interest Beth. She used to date DOCTOR WHO's David Tennant (the Doctor), and actually appeared as Reinette, the titular girl of the episode "The Girl in the Fireplace." Sophia plays Beth as very empathetic and caring. Good line from Beth: "Even if I have no romantic interest in [Talbot], your jealousy makes me feel desirable." Better line from Mick: "Our relationship is neither normal or human." I disliked the ending, with Mick's name is penciled on the back of the WWII-era photograph. In short, this series does nothing to rise above its clichés. I suspect that the individual popularity of star Alex O'Loughlin (ex-Hiatt, THE SHIELD) is the only thing keeping the show in the air.

Meanwhile, in the 42nd century, DOCTOR WHO took Donna to visit the Ood-Sphere, home planet of the Ood (previously seen in season two's "The Impossible Planet"/"The Satan Pit"). The Ood-Sphere was a wonderfully realized ice world. The outdoor filming combined with visual effects to make a familiar but convincing alien environment. Taking a gander at the Ood-Sphere's solar system, the Doctor realized that he had previously visited the neighborhood — specifically the nearby Sense-Sphere — in his first incarnation, in a season one tale called "The Sensorites." He popped by in the 29th century, which was way back in 1964 for you and me. Two old-school shout-outs in two weeks (he mentioned the story "The Romans" last week)! The Sensorites may be cousins to the Ood; in addition to vaguely similar head shapes, the Sensorites were also capable of telepathic communication. And, plot-wise, the First Doctor was investigating a mysterious illness sweeping through the Sensorite population. Quite similar to what his 10th incarnation was doing this week. The Ood — who first appear to be a passive slave race eager to serve humans — were becoming rabid and turning on their "masters."

The Doctor and Donna discovered that the Ood were secretly being lobotimized at conditioning centers, so he helped the aliens shut down the system and free the Ood from their bonds. The revelation that the Ood normally carry part of their brains in their hands was truly shocking and a unique idea. Donna's initial revulsion at the Oods' biological quirkiness was entirely human. She was eager to feel sorry for and help the poor oppressed Ood even though it turned out they are actually a little nauseating. And even in the 42nd century, the "Great and Bountiful Human Empire" is capable of shameful horror. In just her first trip off-world, Donna learned the universe is most certainly not a bright and sunny place filled with shiny, happy creatures. In other words, she's learning how the Doctor sees things. (She was sickened to realize that he could "hear" the Ood's telepathic sing-song crying.) And here's something odd: while saying goodbye and offering thanks to "Doctor/Donna," Sigma the Ood shocked the Doctor by suggesting, "I think your song must end soon." (WTF?)

Speaking of songs, can I mention that this season boasts my favorite arrangement of the WHO main theme. I still have a soft spot for the classic electronic sound effects used during the reigns of the First and Second Doctors, but this fourth go-round is the best of the reimagined series.

Another "reimagining" that is hitting it out of the park is BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, which has finally begun answering some major questions about the Cylons. One biggie that has been nagging me since the miniseries: Exactly what the frak is a Cylon? Thanks to a trigger-happy Centurion, we got to see that the humanoid Cylons have metal guts. This fits with the way Six's and Boomer's spines glowed when they were having sex, and Boomer's ability to plug a raptor navigation computer into her forearm. But this reveal also begs the question: Why can't all that metal be detected? Are Doc Cottle and Baltar so stupid that they could not come up with a way to spot all that interior wiring and thus discern humans from skin-jobs?

The episode picked up directly from last week, with the tense standoff on the bridge of Demetrius. The tension was nearly unbearable until Anders shot Mr. Gaeta in the leg. The decision was made to let Kara take a raptor to the damaged basestar Leoben came from. She, Sam, Barolay and Athena made contact and formed an alliance to jump the basestar to Galactica. There, Athena met up with a horde of surviving Eights (who were strangely fully clothed this time - unlike when seen in "Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part II). The Sharon squad said they learned rebellion from Athena, and thus sided with the Twos and Sixes and joined the search for the final five models.

Meanwhile, back on Galactica, Roslin's condition grew worse, and she met the terminal Emily (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE's Nana Visitor in a touching performance) and discussed the afterlife. Roslin saw a vision of her mother, but insisted it wasn't her time to die yet. But death was in the air on the basestar. One of the Sixes recognized Barolay as the human who killed her on New Caprica (to the best of my knowledge, that Six was referring to an unbroadcast scene) and kills Barolay (there had to be a reason a "red shirt" was brought along). A disgusted Natalie agreed that her sister needed to be punished to satisfy the humans' blood lust, so Nat shot her in the head with Sam's gun. (Skin-job Sam hesitated to pull the trigger.) With no resurrection ship nearby, that copy of Six was truly killed. As part of the uneasy alliance, Kara was taken to the Hybrid, who supposedly had info about Earth. When an Eight disconnected the Hybrid in order to hook the basestar to the raptor's nav computer, the Hybrid's screams spooked a nearby Centurion, who gunned down the Eight, thus revealing her robot innards. In the confusion, Eight bled into the Hybrid's tub, and Kara finally heard the prophecy voiced by the Hybrid seen in movie RAZOR: "The dying leader will know the truth of the opera house. The missing three will give you the five who have come from the home of the 13th. You are the harbinger of death, Kara Thrace. You will lead them all to their end." Naturally, Kara was horrified — but I was thrilled to learn we will see Lucy Lawless' D'Anna again. Athena's refusal to comfort her dying sister was unnerving, but Sam stepped in to hold Eight's hand while she died her true death. Whatever else the skin-jobs may be, they have deep reserves of compassion for each other. How human of them....

Sunday night saw the finale of SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA — FANS VS. FAVORITES. Parvati won! Parvati won! This marked the first time that I picked a castaway in the premiere who went on to win. While I was happy for Parv, I felt sorry for weepy Amanda, who once again made it to the final two but lost the jury vote. The night's most bizarre moment definitely belonged to Natalie, who asked a convoluted question about how Parvati's flirty persona translates to the bedroom. Parv, Jeff and the rest of the jury looked lost. (It sounded like a titillating question, but I couldn't really follow it, so I'm not sure.) Parvati did her best to address it by conceding that she will flirt with guys or girls as conditions warrant; that seemed to be what Nat was going for (and it worked for me).

And that's enough work on the Night Shift for one day....

May 9, 2008
How can SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA — FANS VS. FAVORITES continue to surprise me this late in the game? There has never been a season with such a succession of remarkable tribal councils. Each week has been more jaw-dropping than the last, because people just don't learn. Case in point: Erik voluntarily gave individual immunity to Natalie, setting a new high-water mark (or, more properly, a nadir, but I'm working with an island theme here) for SURVIVOR stupidity.

The show opened with the battle lines drawn: Amanda, Parvati and Cirie on one side, and Natalie and Erik on the other. When Erik won the (boring) trivia challenge, it was revealed that he had "promised" both Amanda and Nat to take them with him if he won the reward trip. Uh-oh! He chose to take Amanda to the spa, and send Parv to Exile Island. Parvati didn't mind, because she was just there to keep Nat from finding the last hidden immunity idol. So Parvati enjoyed simply lounging on the beach, sunbathing (which made me feel like I had won the reward!).

When Erik and Amanda returned with newly poofy hair, he was Island Enemy No. 1. (Nat glaring at him while squatting with that machete reminded me of Karen Black at the end of TRILOGY OF TERROR). However, the girls needed to find a way around the fact that Erik went on to win individual immunity. So they hatched a complicated plan to make it look like Nat needed to be protected from elimination by big, strong Erik — who himself needed to make a magnanimous gesture to counteract all his previous backstabbing. The ladies manipulated the tribal council discussion and played Erik like a kazoo. As the shaggy fan handed the immunity necklace to a grateful Natalie, the members of the jury looked like they were going to stroke out from laughing, and Parv gave Nat at kiss. (Talk about a reward!) Erik crossed his fingers, but it was all for naught as the vote went against him. "You guys drive me crazy," he lamented. Host Jeff Probst snarked, "That is what you call a life lesson." As Erik's flame was snuffed, James exulted, "I lost my reign as dumbest Survivor ever!" Yes, James, congratulations. That dubious honor will live with Erik forever. Don't forget: The SURVIVOR finale airs Sunday night at 8 o'clock. I hope everyone crosses fingers for Parvati...

At 10 o'clock, I figured, why not cross over networks and take a moment to check up on ER? Abby was offered a job at a fancy private clinic with great facilities, regular hours and a better salary. Hmmm, didn't that same thing happen to Dr. Benton — or was it Ross? Maybe Greene? I know: Lewis, right? Well, one of them. BO-ring... When I check back later, a glum Neela is sobbing while looking at a Web site. Poor Neela....

LOST used its signature opening-eye motif to kick off the island portion of the episode. Intriguing: Locke's flashback covered a period before he was born. This reminds me of the time-travel rules on QUANTUM LEAP, where Dr. Sam Beckett could leap to any point within his lifetime — counting conception as the starting point, not his actual birth (See the episodes "Play It Again, Seymour," and "The Americanization of Machiko" for examples).

I guess it should be no surprise that Dr. Richard Alpert again turned up so far in the past (and still played by Nestor Carbonell), since he never ages. The test he gave young Locke seems enormously important to me, because it reminded me of the test Buddhist monks administer when searching for reincarnations of the Buddha. The prospective Buddha child is asked to identify items (such as a rice bowl) that "belong" to him from his previous incarnation. This implies to me that Alpert thought Locke was the reincarnation of someone — but who? Remember all the talk of how islanders have been "waiting" for him? But Locke's apparent failure of the test casts that in doubt. He must have done something in the interim to, er, reincarnate hopes. Ben lamented how he no longer has dreams, which I took to mean "prophetic" dreams. He noted that "being chosen" is a bitch. (See? Locke is special!) The reappearance of Abbadon (Lance Reddick) was unnerving. "I'm a lot more than an orderly," he smiled. On this show, who isn't?

Take Christian, for example. It's not enough for him to be a ghost. No, he has to manifest in Jacob's cabin, acting like he owns the place. Why was Jack's late dad giving the orders? It occurs to me that it's possible Christian keeps appearing because his corpse was on the plane when it crashed. Perhaps Jacob is inhabiting the elder Shephard's body, like a ghost in the shell. The whole cabin sequence had a very TWIN PEAKS feel to me. I was thinking about the Red Room, which led to the Black Lodge, the whole time; both have creepy guys spouting cryptic nonsense while a hot blonde languishes nearby. Is Jacob a version of The Man From Another Place? Why was Claire looking so calm after abandoning her baby in the jungle — is she dead, like Laura Palmer? Perhaps Locke needs to shout the invocation, "Fire walk with me!" to access the secrets of Jacob's cabin.

How funny was it that Hugo ended up spotting the damn cabin first, after all that discussion over whether he was needed? Why did the ghost of Horace Goodspeed so closely resemble our shadowy profile glimpses of Jacob? I confess I forgot all about the "Pit o' Dead Dharmas," but at least now we know what happened to them — Ben. The episode ended with one of LOST's best lines ever, Locke remarking: "He wants us to move the island."

It's time for me to move along, until the next Night Shift...

May 8, 2008
I felt like I had to see this AMERICAN IDOL thing through, so I tuned in for the results show. Wow, is it possible to pack in any more dull filler material to pad out a show? Footage of the hopefuls clowning on a plane? Really? Ryan kicked off the "festivities" with a group sing-along that massacred Steely Dan's "Reelin' in the Years." David Archuleta was not the person you want to kick off a rock song; he looked awkward and sounded worse. Clearly he was waiting for the camera to zoom in for his adoring extreme closeup. Syesha was no better as second voice. David Cook was the only one who acquitted himself well during this number. The mid-tempo song meshed well with his rocker aspirations and limited vocal power. However, the choreography was rudimentary and the warm-and-fuzzy arrangement made the finalists sound like an antiseptic school choir. It was like they were sanitizing Steely Dan for the audience's protection.

Eventually, sanity prevailed and Jason was sent packing. Apparently, the beatdown Simon administered after the previous evening's debacle did not engender a flood of sympathy votes. I had to laugh as he flubbed his farewell song. He forgot the words to a mangled arrangement of "I Shot the Sheriff." Way to prove viewers made the right call.

As a sports fan, I tuned in to CSI:NY because this week's crime dealt with a basketball fan dying at center court during a game, but I found it difficult to focus because, although the procedural is set in New York, the interiors are clearly filmed elsewhere. Flak and Danny were supposed to be watching a professional basketball team called the New York Empires, but the team was clearly not playing at Madison Square Garden (which bills itself as "the World's Most Famous Arena"). It's also one of the busiest, so clearly the-powers-that-be were not able to book the Garden for filming.

BTW, if you thought the "N.Y. Empires" name was familiar, then you (like me) need to get a life. But you're not wrong. The Empires was the nickname of the fictional baseball team in CLUBHOUSE, a short-lived series about a bat boy that ran on CBS during the 2004 season. The best thing about CLUBHOUSE was that it featured GENERAL HOSPITAL's Kirsten Storms as a willful, trouble-making teen before she took on the role of willful, trouble-making Maxie.

You'll get no more trouble from me until the next Night Shift.

May 7, 2008
With the contestants dwindling to a precious few, it was time once again to check in with SO YOU THINK YOU CAN KARAOKE...er, I mean, AMERICAN IDOL.

David Cook led off the parade of non-threatening boys by rushing through a pure karaoke version of "Hungry Like the Wolf" that was so toothless it made Duran Duran seem dangerous. Call it Dull Dull. Randy called him "just okay," while Simon deemed him "good enough." And those raves were undeserved.

OMG, you guys! Syesha is, like, so excited about the upcoming tour. Gee, I wonder if Ryan will find time to mention when tickets go on sale (but that would be so mercenary). What's that, Mr. Seacrest — May 17? Thank you. Back to the singing… Syesha poured herself into a short dress to channel Tina Turner for a version of "Proud Mary." And what's this — attitude? Personality? Has she forgotten what show she's on? Syesha doesn't quite have the pipes to pull off the power portion of the song, but she did well enough imitating Turner's strut to turn in an enjoyable performance. She handled the slower early portion well, but her voice was not strong enough for the full-throated roars of the refrain. As I've noted before, loud is no substitute for good. Randy noted she was "showin' the heat," but Simon scoffed at her "bad, shrieky" vocals in a "bad impersonation" of Turner.

Dreadlocked goofball Jason was next, and the best thing about his interpretation of "I Shot the Sheriff" was that he properly credited it to Bob Marley, not Eric Clapton (as most young people do). As for the song — well, talk about a bad choice! His timid, soulless voice has never sounded more ill-suited to the material. His performance was exactly what I mean when I refer to these contestants as bad karaoke. Even Randy backed me up by blasting Jason as "really karaoke." And you know the song had to suck on a galactic scale if even Paula hated it. Simon stuck a fork in him by calling it "utterly atrocious" and "a massacre" that was "as bad as I've ever heard." Jason responded with his best doofus grin, which set the prepubescent audience screaming. (BTW, where do they find these adoring audience members? And must they sign pledges to unquestioningly worship absolutely everything?)

When it comes to unquestioning adoration, David Archuleta rules the AI roost. I despised his arrangement of "Stand by Me," but I have to admit that it flattered his voice, which was the point. The elongated flourishes at the ends of lines worked for him (if not for me). And it worked for Randy, who gushed that he "brought the mad-hot vocals." Simon called it the "best performance so far." And the audience went batspit crazy. (I want to thank my colleague Mala Bhattacharjee for introducing me to my favorite new adverb, batspit.)

Cook opened the second go-round with "Baba O'Riley," and made it his own — in the sense that it will never be confused with the iconic version by The Who. He simply did not have the vocal capacity to pull off the "teenage wasteland" refrain; in fact, his voice squeaked like a teenager's when he tried it. Astonishingly, Paula claimed to be "humbled to watch your soul." (Yikes! Just how close is that judge's table?)

Syesha next tackled Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come," and it was a change for her, in the sense that her other song was better. Naturally her version hinged on being loud, loud, loud, and her voice managed to hold out long enough to impress Paula and Simon. Paula crowed, "Welcome to your dream," causing Syesha to burst into tears (presumably the happy kind).

For his second song, Jason selected "Mr. Tambourine Man" — but he should have taken a crib sheet with him, as he forgot some of the lyrics. Still, he soldiered on, right to an overly sentimental ending. "It is what it is," Paula observed. Even Randy had to note, "Jason's not in the zone tonight." Simon warned him: "I'd pack your suitcase."

Archuleta wrapped up the night with a lifeless interpretation of Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender." If David hadn't mentioned it ahead of time, I might not have even recognized the song. Still, the arrangement once again played to his particular strengths (even if his voice did crack at the end). Randy still credited him with "the hot vocals of the night," while Simon declared, "You crushed the competition."

My bottom two: Jason and Cook, no question. But the question is, did Jason's drubbing by the judges trigger a huge sympathy vote that will save him?

Tune in for the next Night Shift...

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