June 22, 2009
Last night's NBC premiere of the British series MERLIN surprised me by not totally sucking. In fact, I quite liked it. It took me a while to get past the near-total reimagining of the King Arthur legend, but once I accepted the (ludicrous) premise that the key players were teenagers and the castle could be thought of as "Camelot High," I settled in. The fact that TORCHWOOD's Eve Myles (Gwen) guested as the baddie in the first story helped reassure me. She completely suppressed her natural Welsh accent, but couldn't hide that trademark gap in her teeth. I also got past the anachronistic language by telling myself the-powers-that-be simply wanted to be accessible to today's lazy teens, hence Arthur and Morgana tossing off phrases like, "Thanks," "See you," and, "Tell me about it!" Whatever! The other major change in the adaptation was making making Morgana the "ward" of Arthur's father, King Uther. At a time when American soap operas go out of their way to play up or even just hint at incest (we're looking at you, GENERAL HOSPITAL), this retooled British import has taken pains to sanitize the incest element from the established Arthur/Morgana relationship that has been part of the established legend for hundreds and hundreds of years.

It was old home week on BURN NOTICE, as THE SHIELD's former Detective Wagenbach, Jay Karnes, reprised bad guy Brennan, who used Michael's perpetual sad-sack brother, Nate (Seth Peterson, ex-Robbie, PROVIDENCE), as leverage to force Michael to pull a job. Also, Detective Paxson (Moon Bloodgood, from Terminator Salvation) stepped up her investigation of Michael. Nothing particularly original there, just nice execution of the material, thanks to fine casting.

BURN NOTICE's lead-out, ROYAL PAINS, however, is on a distinct downturn. The latest episode was a bald-faced clone of HOUSE, with Hank treating a would-be college athlete for a bafflingly mysterious ailment. Would Hank diagnose the problem and save the boy's life (and football career) before the hour was up? But once again, at least the casting was interesting. GOSSIP GIRLS' maniacal Eleanor, Margaret Colin (ex-Margo, AS THE WORLD TURNS; ex-Paige, EDGE OF NIGHT) played the sick boy's also-maniacal mother — the Lady Macbeth behind her senator husband. Colin's former GOSSIP GIRL co-star, Dreama Walker (she's Hazel on The CW series and also cameoed on ONE LIFE TO LIVE as Karen and GUIDING LIGHT as Janie) portrayed the senator's neglected daughter, Melody. If ROYAL PAINS continues to neglect what makes it interesting (the "MacGuyver as concierge doctor" angle) in order to ape HOUSE, I won't take pains to tune in anymore. After all, USA already airs repeats of HOUSE — earlier that same night!

June 17, 2009
I suppose it had to happen eventually: "Kamikaze GUIDING LIGHT" finally crashed and burned thanks to a couple of silly story points.

The most egregious offense is Jeffrey's "brilliant" plan: He frames himself for Edmund's murder — in order to prove that the San Cristobel villain is actually alive and framing Reva. Say what?!? Jeffrey enlisted Josh to plant evidence, then help him "go on the run" so he can capture Edmund and bring him back to town to clear his own name. Time out, dude. Why waste the effort to frame yourself? You can track Edmund much more freely without Mallet breathing down your neck. Think of the resources that will be denied you; just avoiding using credit cards and computer databases will hobble your investigation. Think before you frame!

Yesterday, Clayton paid back Remy for paying off his mortgage. Leaving aside the idea of a father telling a total stranger like Cyrus that he was conned out of his life's savings by a 12-year-old (James is 12, right?) pimping an investment plan that was clearly too good to be true — why did Clayton have a mortgage to fall behind on? Follow me here: Clayton said all the cash was returned to his account, so he had the $34,200 to pay back Remy. That means Clayton had at least $34,200 in his accounts before the scam. So why didn't Clayton pay off the mortgage himself before being bilked? Why pay usurious interest on a monthly mortgage if your have the payoff sum at your disposal? That's just stupid. No wonder he was ripped off! Hey, Clayton, now that you're flush again, I have a bridge for sale!

June 16, 2009
Mala convinced me to watch the season finale of GREEK last night, and I'm so glad I did, because it reminded me how much I love the super-soapy prime-time drama.

The end of the season was built around the theme of the end of the world. Casey's relationship with ex-boyfriend Cappie was at the center of it all — just as it always is. Somehow, Casey managed to fall into an manhole (yes, a hole in the sidewalk), and that near-death experience caused her to realize that life is too short to waste. Cappie's fraternity was holding a party dubbed "The End of the World" (because they were being banned from social activities for a whole two weeks!), so Casey went there and finally confronted him. "If it's the end of the world, I wanna be with you," she told Cappie. His response was startlingly mature. He was afraid that her newfound resolve was just a product of panic after her brush with death, and since he is still the "childish, lazy, unreliable, unambitious frat guy who let you down before," he would just let her down again. It was a heartbreaking decision, but probably the correct one. Not that Casey would agree. Especially after her "perfect" boyfriend, Max, suddenly arrived and she knew she had to cut him loose because she's so hung up on Cappie. "You're the perfect guy, Max," she sighed. "You're just not perfect for me."

Other cool stuff:

•I actually laughed out loud (that's LOL'd to you youngsters out there) twice: once when Fisher told girly-girl Ashleigh that he heard she had taken out another woman with "a single roundhouse kick to the head." (I'm still laughing just typing that!). And again when Dale said, "It's not the end of the world. Don't you read the Scriptures I leave on your pillow?" to roomie Calvin.

•Speaking of Calvin, he finally hooked up with Grant (whom Dale described as smelling of "Hugo Boss and brimstone").

NURSE JACKIE felt like it has settled into a bit of groove in only its second episode. It felt rather ... blah. This could have been the second or the 32nd episode. The only aspect that stood out was the angry man who rushed in from nowhere and punched out Jackie; that was pretty shocking.

June 12, 2009
Normally, I'm a fan of AS THE WORLD TURNS' Dusty, but this time the crusading do-gooder is doing harm to Bonnie. Not intentionally, mind you, but he is definitely having a negative effect, because he's coming between her and Derek.

I see a genuine spark between Chaunteé Schuler and Benton Greene that I don't see when she's with Grayson McCouch. As far as I'm concerned, the Dusty/Bonnie Chemistry Test Road Trip was a failure. Their interactions all felt forced, and there was no sense of fun or that they related to each other. Bonnie seems much more at ease with Derek. And if there is any doubt they could be a viable couple, Bonnie and Derek engaged in that venerable soap staple, the Argument Over a Simple Misunderstanding That Blows Up Into Something Really Big and All Out of Proportion, a.k.a. Something Stupid.

They got into a "discussion" about her underwear — but not in a good way. He became curious when she casually mentioned leaving her bra in Dusty's car. She explained that she took it off because she was feeling overheated and had trouble breathing when she was sick. He was more than a little troubled by her version of events. "I thought we had something special between us," he said. "Well, maybe you should have told me about that," she replied, adding, "When did you become so jealous?" He finished it off by challenging her, "When did you start taking road trips without your underwear?" See: Fire, energy — sparks! They connect. Derek, make your intentions clear (so the sheer undies don't disappear in the wrong car again), and Bonnie, open your eyes.

Oh, and Dusty needs to leave town immediately — and go find Lucy!

June 11, 2009
Is there a better, more entertaining soap right now than GUIDING LIGHT? The-powers-that-be seem to be reveling in the freedom that comes from being a "dead soap walking." My colleague Mala and I call "Kamikaze GL" because they just don't seem to care about following rules any more; they just want to have fun. What's the worst that could happen — it gets canceled twice?

Today, Blake and Olivia candidly discussed how long it's been since they had sex and how much they miss it. Blake mooned over her late husband, Ross. Too bad Jerry verDorn (ex-Ross) is being kept too busy playing Clint over at ONE LIFE TO LIVE to revive Ross from the grave. A frustrated Olivia actually kissed Josh yesterday, but as she noted today, she resisted having sex with him. But wait, later, the show got even more risqué: It was strongly hinted that while on a shopping trip, the "girl stuff" Blake and Olivia bought included a...um, personal massage device. However, neither gal unwrapped her gift. apparently didn't get to use it, as she later waited on Josh at Company, and transparently offered to procure him "anything at all" that he might want. Olivia fared a little better, sharing a tender moment with inamorata Natalia.

More fun stuff:

•Clearly flouting of the convention of "hiding" an actress' pregnancy, Natalia (Jessica Leccia) is simply wrapped in a large pashmina at all times! Speaking of Natalia, did anyone else cringe when she ordered a beer and a shot? Sure, Nat is not pregnant, but it was weird hearing the words come out of Leccia's mouth and seeing her slam shots. Apparently Natalia then went straight to church — though not to confess any "sin," but rather to thank God for a good day. And ask for help getting Rafe a job. Somebody must have been listening, since the kid immediately found employment.

•Rick is messing up the morgue now? Not even the dead are safe from Springfield's own "Dr. Death." (Okay, Rick so didn't cremate the body; you know what I mean...)

•Josh asked Frank: If Edmund wasn't dead, what would that mean? "That would mean he's Dumbledore," Frank replied. Mala notes that unlike most soap characters, Dumbledore actually stayed dead, so Frank's analogy falls flat — unless he means Edmund is gay.

•Nice to see that "Car Carrier Baby" from AS THE WORLD TURNS has landed another gig — standing in for Reva's son, Colin.

•Finally, speaking of ATWT, Parker stared blankly when Craig likened him to James Bond. How young is that kid? Surely he saw Daniel Craig's action-packed reinvention of the series.

June 10, 2009
It was a week for comebacks on RESCUE ME, starting with Candy, the conniving wench who shafted Lou out of his life savings ($26,000) a few seasons back. She haunted him this week like a candy-colored specter in a bright yellow dress. But the real torment was the return of Tommy's drinking problem. Egged on by French journalist Genevieve's reopening of 9/11 wounds, Tommy started to crack. But former fling Sheila put him over the edge. In her mania to protect son Damian (and jealousy over Tommy reconnecting with ex-wife Janet), Sheila made a agreed to barter sex and booze for Tommy watching out for his nephew during fires. Stupid and unnecessary though it was, the arrangement proved to be a deal with the devil. Tommy began sneaking into the guys' bar to drink, and last night he stopped into another watering hole. Poor, damaged Tommy. This is why I love Denis Leary's character so much: He's so flawed it's a wonder the guy can draw breath. And he's such an extraordinary firefighter that he was able to keep Mikey calm when they were trapped in that basement. Good thing Tommy doesn't hold a grudge (Well, professionally, at least), since bone-headed Mike forgot to refill their oxygen bottles after the last fire.

I'm also intrigued by Uncle Teddy and Maggie's adventures at the veterans hospital. When they volunteered to help, I'm sure they never bargained on being asked "service" the vets by killing them and providing...er, sexual release, respectively. But there they were, the Angels of Death and Sex. I hope the Death Angel stays away from Sean as he undergoes surgery for renal cancer next week...

June 9, 2009
When a show opens by quoting T.S. Eliot you know it has aspirations (or a nerdy scriptwriter), and Showtime's NURSE JACKIE definitely wants to go somewhere — but it ain't there yet. Monday night's premiere suffered from what I call "pilot-itis": The-powers-that-be stuffed everything they could think of into the pilot in order to sell it, so there was not a lot of room left for story. Too much time was spent positioning story pieces for the future. In short order viewers were told (and sort of shown) that Jackie (Edie Falco) is compassionate, experienced, intuitive and good at her job, but she also has quite a dark side. She is addicted to pain-killers for a bad back (a condition she hides); she hooks up with a doctor on the sly when she has a husband and two daughters at home; and she's judgmental and impulsive. When confronted by a criminal with diplomatic immunity who had his ear ripped off while slashing a hooker, Jackie flushed the ear down a toilet! On the plus side, Jackie is better at her job than the aloof and unfeeling doctors with their God complexes; Jackie is all about compassion for the sick and injured. She faked a release for organ donation and stole money to give to a penniless pregnant woman whose husband just died because one of those disaffected doctors ignored Jackie's advice. Another thing I like about her: She does not suffer fools gladly, telling a motormouth nursing student, "Quiet and mean — those are my people." It almost goes without saying that multiple Emmy winner Falco makes it easy to like and empathize with Jackie.

And it was almost expected that some nursing organizations are protesting because Jackie is not portrayed as a spotless angel of mercy. But I think Falco's tarnished character allows for more interesting drama. Think of how THE SHIELD was at its best when Vic was at his worst. I want to see flawed characters in my fiction because they're more realistic and more fun; I'm not watching a documentary!

I have always believed the voice-over is lazy storytelling device (the character tells the audience what we're supposed to think, rather than letting us reach our own conclusions), so I was annoyed to hear that crutch used right away. At the end of the episode, Jackie used the voice-over to liken herself to the flawed St. Augustine, praying, "Make me good, God. But not yet." Well, NURSE JACKIE is on the road, but not there yet.

June 8, 2009
When Kristina bluntly propositioned Jason on Friday's show, it was shocking — but probably not in the manner GENERAL HOSPITAL was hoping.

Yes, viewers have just met this version of Kristina, but in the Port Charles universe, Kristina has grown up "normally," and clearly has known Jason all of her life. He recognized her at the club and they are familiar enough for him to wordlessly pull her away from a crowd of teens. So no one can argue that they don't know each other well. So her abrupt "Wanna hook up with me?" truly came out of left field. Why would she blurt that out, apropos of absolutely nothing? Now, if they were unfamiliar with each other, GH could argue that she might try to shock him with such an offer, but that was not the case. This was not some random cutie coming on to a hunky older guy. As the right-hand man of her father, Jason has been a constant in Kristina's life. It is unlikely that she would have chosen that particular moment to suddenly act on any long-simmering, hidden emotion. C'mon, she's a soap teenager. If she really was in love with Jason, she would have filled her room with candles to seduce a hit man.

And Kristina didn't leave it there, later parading in front of him in her underwear. In that case, she was trying to distract Jason, but she was also...er, exposing herself to her brother. Not by blood, to be sure, but Michael is still her brother!

June 5, 2009
In what universe can irredeemable crap like I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE co-exist with series of dazzling quality like RESCUE ME and BREAKING BAD? Ours, I guess. But the same week that brought us the odious bungle in the jungle also saw the return of BURN NOTICE and the debut of ROYAL PAINS on USA.

While BURN NOTICE does not operate in quite the same rarified air as MAD MEN, it is still smart, sexy and tons of fun; the very definition of a summer diversion. When last we saw ex-secret agent Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan, ex-Popper, ANOTHER WORLD), he had just taken a literal plunge from a helicopter into a new life as an agent on the run. After swimming 5 miles to shore, Michael discovered that the people who had burned him — the enigmatic "Management" — had also been protecting him somewhat; suddenly, Michael's name was back in police databases, as well as at the disposal of the spy agencies from 12 countries that want to kill him. (Even his mother, Madeline, wants to strangle him!) His only hope appeared to be old friend Harlan, but how many times have old relationships blown up in Michael's face before? No change here. (Psssst, Michael: Never trust a man who puts beer in his yogurt!) Fiona and Sam continue to deepen their antagonistic relationship, as seen in the battle for Michael's soul. Fi wants him out of the business and all domestic with her, while the retired Sam sees Michael as a way of keeping a toe in the game. At the end of the episode, Michael announced his intention to get back in the game, and take back his old job. Good luck.

A clever promo featuring Michael Westen giving Hank Lawson advice on make a living in unfamiliar territory bled into the premiere of ROYAL PAINS, about a disgraced NYC emergency room doctor (Hank) who gets sucked into becoming a "concierge doctor" — a personal physician on-call — to the ultrarich in the glamorous Hamptons. This concept didn't work back when it was called DR. VEGAS (but only Rob Lowe completists or Las Vegas freaks like me remember that one). The misdeed that got Hank barred from ever working in the Big Apple again?He saved the life of an inner-city youth instead of coddling a rich old white guy — who died in someone else's care. Hank's brother/accountant, Evan, talked him into taking a weekend trip, and just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time when a woman fell ill. A rich benefactor observed Hank in action, and before he knew it, his name and number were on every high-society speed-dial on the Island. Evan (Paulo Costanzo) is the breakout character, with the best comic lines. Meredith Hagner (Liberty, AS THE WORLD TURNS) played a character called Libby, a bitchy cyberchondriac — someone addicted to researching health problems in the Web. The estates in the Hamptons are the size of...well, actual states. These people are crazy rich — way beyond the point of money being meaningless to them. One guy had a Lichtenstein and two Honus Wagner baseball cards! And if that doesn't tell you what kind of decadence we're watching, consider this: Hank was paid with a gold bar.

June 2, 2009
If you're like me, you were blown away by this week's season finale of BREAKING BAD on AMC. Well, we aren't the only ones. I had a long talk with Bryan Cranston, who stars as chemistry teacher-gone-bad Walter White, and he explained why basic cable is such a haven for high-quality hour-long dramas.

BRYAN: Cable outlets have to draw the attention of the top writers in the industry, so they invite them to come and say, "Here it is; here's your canvas. Go ahead and paint," with very little interruption as far as network notes and things. "We read your script, we love it, so go ahead and make it." And boy, who wouldn't love that — the total freedom to do exactly as you like?
JOE: So you get to do what you want — and as much of it as you think you need.
BRYAN: The usual amount of episodes in a given year is 13, so that means you're not working year-round. On network TV, you do 22, 23, 24 episodes. If you do that on an hour-long show, you are working almost year-round as a writing staff. It goes right from breaking the stories to editing, to completing the cuts, delivering; and then you have a few weeks off until you start the next season. It's constant, and it can drain you quickly. If you have 13 episodes on cable, that means you have about a half a year to do other projects, to go on vacation, to rest, to reintroduce yourself to your family. It's a good working environment.
JOE: Well, the attention to detail shows. Walt is an amazing character, sucked into this underground world.
BRYAN: Here you have this fish-out-of-water who is doing it for one specific reason; he miscalculated, that's for sure, and now he's in a area that he has no skill-set for. To me, it's the uncovering of what the human condition is about if you took [someone] out of [his/her] norm and put them in an environment they're not used to. How do they survive?
JOE: Walt seemed to doing okay, but it all started to unravel in the last few episodes.
BRYAN: Walt is not used to this. He's a scientist. He comes from the world of black-and-white. The numbers add up, this is what you do, and you have to do this procedure exactly or it will be a failed experiment. Now he's jumping into a world where there are no rules, or the rules are being rewritten as you go. It completely throws him.

And I was knocked for a loop as a viewer. Is it 2010 yet?

June 1, 2009
I have been waiting 13 weeks since the season premiere of BREAKING BAD to find out how a scorched, one-eyed pink teddy bear came to be floating in Walt's swimming pool. And now we know: It plummeted from the sky after the midair collision of two small planes high over Albuquerque.

Well, even I didn't see that one coming…

When last we saw Walt, he had just let Jesse's blackmailing girlfriend Jane drown in her own vomit. That's a long way from the mild-mannered chemistry professor who was looking to cook a little crystal and leave his family a nice nest egg when he dies of lung cancer. Now Walt is in bed with a major regional drug lord and his cancer is in remission so completely that he was able to have the (still giant) tumor removed. John de Lancie (ex-Eugene, DAYS OF OUR LIVES ) did a fine, sympathetic job as Donald, Jane's grieving father. Don is the air-traffic controller who inadvertently put the planes on a collision course because he was so distracted by Jane’s demise. De Lancie was particularly moving as Don watched while his little girl was zipped up in a body bag like so much garbage.

Series star Bryan Cranston won the Emmy last year, and while he was terrific again this season, I don't think he was given enough quality material to repeat. Cranston got perhaps his best scene of the year when Walt Jr. was being interviewed about the Web site he developed to raise money for his ailing dad. Walt had arranged to launder his drug money by funneling it into the Web page anonymously, and as Walt listened to his son praising him with words like, "My dad is my hero," Cranston's silent face was a mask of guilt, shame, pain and embarrassment. He looked like he didn't know whether to cry or throw up when he was lauded as a decent guy. What kind of decent guy sells crystal, even for the best of reasons? What kind of decent guy allows someone he (sort of) knows to die horribly, even a blackmailing junkie?

Walt probably felt like he deserved it when Skylar walked out on him and took their new daughter with her. After all this time, she finally connected the dots between all his myriad little fibs, big lies and bizarre behavior. At first she assumed he was having an affair (of course she did — she's a wife on TV), but soon realized that something else was going on. "Whatever it is," she sobbed, "I'm afraid to know."

Will Walt tell his wife the truth? Will Jesse get his act together? What will Gus do with the knowledge that Walt has a brother-in-law at the DEA? Will Hank figure out that Walt is "Heisenberg," the maker of "Blue Sky," the best crystal meth on the market? I, for one, cannot wait to learn what happens next season.

May 29, 2009
Everybody knows that soap cops only arrest innocent people for heinous crimes. It's a truism that the more aggressively they pursue a suspect, the more innocent they are, and thus more likely to stand trial for a crime they didn't commit.

In the course of investigating the beloved Stuart's murder, ALL MY CHILDREN's Jesse set his sights on Kendall, so she probably didn't do it. Make that, she certainly didn't do it, since Zach was so quick to take the blame. Zach illustrates another fact: Anyone who steps forward to confess is protecting someone else.

And it's not just AMC. GUIDING LIGHT also killed off a prominent character, villainous Edmund. After years of causing trouble, the fallen prince turned up face-down in the river. Mallet has been pursuing Reva for the crime so doggedly that it's obvious she's not guilty. And he never questions the convenience of motive, means and opportunity being helpfully served up on a silver platter. Heck, even her husband Jeffrey has begun to fear she's guilty. But worst of all, Mallet suggested that he is trying to make Reva miserable just in case she's innocent; he thinks the "real" killer will see she's miserable and save her. That is unforgivable! Mallet is a good guy, but he's not supposed to be Jack Bauer!

GL's Bill has been having more false-accusation problems. First he was suspected of Lizzie's kidnapping, and now a Ponzi scheme. He got locked up — and then Lizzie was tossed in the slammer, too. Luckily, Springfield holds couples in the same cell. (Turns out that was Lizzie's "first time" — in jail, that is. "I do not make a habit of getting arrested," she later sniffed in mock indignation as she shuddered to think of "jail slime" still on her body.) Another way-too-convenient feature of the Springfield police station? It has a back door that people can use to sneak in unseen. Marina used it to smuggle baby Colin in to see Reva. Maybe Remy's return will shape up the local constabulary. Oh, wait, his pockets are full of stolen diamonds...