Friday, September 16, 2005
Carly had apparently gone through some trouble to get the Snyders a table at the Lakeview for dinner, but Jack was still too disgusted by what she did to frame Gwen to enjoy family night out. They were still arguing about her methods and her justification of said methods when Parker and J.J. came shrieking in to call dibs on who gets to sit next to Jack at the Lakeview, as if they're usually not allowed near him unless it's a special occasion. The hyper boys then rushed upstairs to bring Jack a "present," which turned out to be their mailbox with Rory's name added to it. Jack correctly guessed that the addition was Carly's idea. It only annoyed him more, but he agreed to join his family for dinner.

It's unclear whether Barbara, Paul or Hal — who were still bickering somewhat — helped at all, but Jen finally snapped out of the catatonic state she was in post-freak-out over finding her baby's death certificate. Hal wanted to take her to the hospital, but Paul argued against subjecting her to "the trauma of the emergency room." Jennifer assured them she was fine, but Hal subtly suggested she wasn't. After enlisting Barbara's help in keeping Dusty's accusations secret from Paul and sending her mother and brother downstairs, Jen tried damage control with her father, swearing she's not on drugs. "You may have sold your mother that line, but I'm not buying it, not for one second," he said, getting all protective and paternal. They launched into a screaming fight, with Hal doing his squinty detective thing and pointing out all the symptoms she's been exhibiting. Jen worked herself up into a manic torrent of excuses for her behavior, trying to make Hal feel guilty for believing Dusty over her and claiming that Dusty and Meg had an agenda in calling her a crankhead. He then took one of his famous emergency calls as a manic Jen waited for him nearby, clearly itching for him to leave. Once he did (declaring the conversation "not finished" in a very dad-like way), she had another two flashbacks: one of her hallucination and the other about dropping some crystal meth on the carpet. Next thing we knew, she had fallen to her knees and used her fingers and nose to Hoover up any powder that might have fallen into the carpet. Ick. Just say no, kids.

Downstairs, Paul told Barbara that he plans on taking Jen out of town to get her away from everything. Babs thought that was a capital idea and instantly launched into a detailed plan for the whole family in Positano before Paul cut her off with news that she wasn't invited. As he curtly shut down all of her protests, he noticed that Jack and Carly were there with the whole family. Realizing that Rory's proximity to Jennifer could totally derail Campaign Baby Switch, Paul rushed off to stop Jen.

Apparently, Carly doesn't have much pull at the Lakeview, because once the Snyders got there they had to wait in the lobby for their table to be cleared. Jack went to the bar, and Carly went after him, leaving her children in care of the desk clerk. That's where Jennifer found them and asked permission to pick up the new baby. "It's you isn't it? It's my baby," she whispered, as Paul caught up with her.

Gwen opened the door to her mom (!) Iris, and after rehashing their dysfunctional past — Iris was a bad mother; Gwen was "a handful" — Iris swaggered into the room, once again channeling Mercedes Ruehl (this time from Married To The Mob) by raising an eyebrow at the dump her daughter was living in before offering to let bygones be bygones. "My little girl has gone and grown up," she gushed, enfolding a suspicious and bewildered Gwen in her arms. She mentioned that she "heard" about the baby, and offered her help. "You're drunk aren't you?" asked Gwen, eventually guessing that her mother was after the trust fund. Gwen tried to point out that it's too late because she's already lost custody, but Iris innocently insisted that she knew nothing of this money or this "witch" Carly Snyder; she wants them to fight together to get her grandson back. Iris then took blame for her past mistakes and vowed to support her, until poor Gwen was guilted into accepting her mother's olive branch and detailing her conspiracy theory. Iris promised that there's "always something" that can bring even the Queen of Sheba down, and they'll suss out Carly's weakness. "Gwennie" was trepidatious, but didn't really have much energy to protest anymore.

In Mexico, a feverish Lucinda had passed out, sending Lily into an absolute tizzy. "I guess it must have been the stress," she said groggily when she woke up. Dr. Hendricks, sounding not unlike a James Bond villain, insisted on examining her, but Lily thinks he's too much of a quack to even touch her mother. Holden then threatened him about Luke, but the uppity doc insisted he didn't know anything about the boy or the organ smuggling before he walked away. Holden then overheard a patient and her father being turned away and approached them to ask if they had seen his son. En Español! Holden speaks Spanish?! Did we know this? They looked like they didn't want any trouble, and claimed they hadn't seen Luke. While he was busy investigating, Lily and her mother had a heart-to-heart and a good cry in the nearby office, so La Walsh reluctantly agreed to go back to Oakdale. Holden sent them along and promised to keep up the search for Luke. He then broke into a room supposedly for files and found Luke's bracelet.

Thursday, September 15, 2005
Sigh. Honestly, is there anyone who doesn't absolutely adore Gwen and Will? There are not enough sighs in the world to describe The Best Teen Ever today, who took the brunt of Gwen's misguided rage in the wake of her hearing. When he vowed his continued support but hesitated about whether he believed all of her conspiracies, she attacked him for being so wishy-washy and noncommittal. He was upset that she has $10,000 in cash from a mystery person. "When you told me that you couldn't afford a lawyer, I offered to go to my mother. I wouldn't go to my mother if my life depended on it, but for you, I was willing," said The Best Teen Ever, breaking hearts across America. "I'm sure whoever gave it to you would be happy to give you more," he said rather coldly, and wouldn't take it back when she asked him to, so she kicked him out — but not before rubbing in his mommy and crazy issues, causing him to tell her to go to hell. "If I needed a dog, I'd buy one.... Come on! Tell me you believe me or not. Show me something! You can't. You'd rather be that nice guy in the corner. Well I'm sick of it... You were supposed to be my friend," she shouted, as part of her tirade. "That would be really crazy now, wouldn't it?" he nearly sobbed, as he walked out.

"It's not my fault," insisted Lucinda when Lily and Holden arrived in Mexico to learn that both Luke and Keith had vanished. The Princess got a little bratty with her weak mother anyway, forcing Lucinda to reveal the truth about Keith's job as an organ smuggler. There was lots of fretting and hemming and hawing and whatnot, until the director of La Clinica came out. Shortly after being introduced, Holden grabbed the uppity doctor by the collar and demanded to know what they'd done with his son.

At Java, Jen maniacally thanked Paul for agreeing to work with her and Barbara, then left Paul and Emily to strategize some more on Campaign Baby Switch: The shady details of Gwen's hearing mean that the teen's chances are decreasing, so their focus should be on keeping Jennifer from learning the truth, hence Em's support of Paul's re-involvement in BRO Version 6.0. He was clearly turned on by her plotting prowess, but he said that he need to leave town and get Jen to go with him. He also reassured Em that he wanted her by his side. Their "sweet nothings" are like no one else's. Emily's next move was to meet with Carly and suggest that she keep Rory away from unstable Jennifer. Carly agreed — she wouldn't want to cause another mother any unnecessary pain — but Emily nearly burst into tears when she saw Rory and started babbling about how the baby's mother must miss him so much. This only got her an annoying glance from Carly, who obviously thought Em was siding again with Gwen, not realizing she was seeing an awesome crack in the commitment of one of the founders of Campaign Baby Switch.

A manic Jennifer arrived home and maniacally left a message for her mom before sucking up the last few grains of crank from her baggie. She tried using the phone, but it wasn't working and soon her manic paranoia set in. "Dusty," she called out, wide-eyed. "Did you bug the room?" That's when Barbara showed up. While we're not saying that Jennifer's mania went unnoticed, Barbara's on the natural crank we like to call "crazy," so her eyes were too glazed over with the news about Paul joining BRO 6.0 to question Jen too much.

Dusty caught up with Hal and just came out with it: "I don't know how to tell you this, but she's got herself a drug habit. Crystal meth." Dusty gave him the facts and suggested that Meg would concur. Remembering his own brief run-in with his money-seeking daughter, it didn't take much to convince Hal. Dusty later recalled Jennifer's labor with a sigh, while Hal went straight to the Lakeview, where Babs was playing bouncer. She wouldn't let him see Jennifer, for fear that he would ruin her chance at BRO 6.0. Soon Paul showed up to enter the fray. While they argued (and nearly came to blows) outside, Jen hallucinated herself up a glowing Nurse Thompson, offering to hand her her son. "You know your baby is not dead," said the nurse, handing her the bundle. But as Jen tried to take her son, the blanket unraveled, revealing no baby inside, thus launching her into her most manic shriek yet. By the time they got to her, she was catatonic.

Iris ("If the judge knew what you did to my beautiful boy...") Dombrowski stopped by to extort some more money from Carly, who held her ground and called Iris's bluff, daring her to call "the papers" and risk being labeled an blackmailer. While kicking Iris out, Carly reiterated that Gwen wouldn't be a good mother — using the girl's name for the first time and stopping Iris in her tracks. When Carly casually confirmed that the birth mother is Gwen Norbeck, Iris dropped the picture on the floor. She then got all cagey as Carly ushered her out, and happened upon the pram (as they're insisting on calling it) on the porch. She picked up the baby blanket belonging to this brand new beautiful boy and gave it a good sniff.

Now all alone, Gwen was sobbing on her bed like a little girl. She was, as usual, hoping the next knock at the door would be The Best Teen Ever, but it was actually Iris. "What do you want?" Gwen asked. "Is that any way to talk to your mother?" responded Iris. Da Da Da DA!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Henry was sitting outside wallowing in his Ducky Dale-ness when Maddie sat down to comfort him about Katie and Mike's discovery that he faked his injury. "I am the con who cried wolf," he sighed, and we learned that Katie and Mike didn't throw them out of the cottage last night because they were "too shocked," but we think it was just so everyone could have a chance to change their clothes for the first time in awhile. The Coleman siblings discussed their impending move back into Chez Limo, then went inside to bite the bullet, where Katie and Mike quickly rejected Henry's offer to take them all out to breakfast. "Look at the big spender," snarked Mike. "Did you sell your miracle cure to the tabloids already?" Though Maddie tried to keep up the ruse, Katie's disappointment guilted Henry into admitting that he has been feeling better for awhile. (It's interesting how he's suddenly become the "bad guy" in this triangle!) But when Mike accused him of also sending the secret admirer gifts, Henry swore it wasn't him and even tried implicating pink-loathing Simon again by reminding them about personal shoppers (as if Simon would hire one of those). But when suspicion turned to Maddie, Henry fell on his sword to protect her. "It was me. I'm the secret admirer," he mumbled, making Maddie feel so bad she nearly confessed herself, but Henry wouldn't let her, and Mike and Katie weren't feeling forgiving (Mike basically suggested that they had generously given Henry a chance to be their permanent third wheel, but he "blew it.") Next stop, Chez Limo.

At Java, Candidate Ryan was plotting his next move in Campaign Baby Switch with Emily when Will showed up. Em headed off to monitor the custody hearing, leaving Paul plenty of time to totally screw with his brother's mind. The Best Teen Ever was all conflicted about Gwen's conspiracy theories, but felt like he should still support her at the trial. Sigh. Paul quickly nipped that impulse in the bud. "Do yourself a favor and put some distance between you and Gwen," he manipulated, expressing hilarious outrage at how poor Nancy Hughes has been maligned by the sketchy girl.

Dusty had just left an urgent message for Hal when he ran into a very chilly Meg, but he needed her help. "So you found something I might actually be good for," she snarked. As a matter of fact, he was looking for someone to help out with today's anti-meth PSA. We'll save you the lecture, but it was bad, bad news for the patients she's seen. Speaking of crankheads, Jennifer ran into Emily outside of Java. Em noted how ragged she looked, but Jen covered, then sat down to pop some more happy pills before going inside for a mini Ryan reunion. (It's surprising Barbara couldn't sense it and come rushing in from miles away). Freshly restored to manic level, Jen wasted no time snatching today's crazy crown away from Paul by announcing that she's going to work with Babs again. Paul pointed out the insanity of embarking on BRO 6.0 (or whatever), but Will just wants her to be happy. Sigh. Then the best thing happened: Will had to leave and Paul wanted to know where he was going. As it turns out, there's this thing called school. How realistic! Will left after giving Paul a quizzical look regarding Jennifer, who then maniacally complained about how controlling Dusty is. "It wouldn't shock me if he came to you next with some wild story," she cleverly predicted, nestling maniacally into her solo Bubble Of Denial. Meanwhile, Meg guessed that Jennifer was the one with the problem that Dusty was talking about. He angrily demanded to know why she hadn't told him, but she reminded him that he ordered her to stay away from Jen. Then they did a flirty little dance around his feelings for Jennifer and their own relationship, but since they are both so stubborn, it ended in a bit of an impasse.

Cass was coaching Gwen in her contrition statement. "...And since then I realize I have to change my lifestyle. I regret my promiscuity," she recited sadly as he coaxed her on. "And from now on, will devote the rest of my life to raising my son," she finished. "I may cry," her lawyer drily remarked. Amen, Cass. (Seriously — it's heartbreaking!) Though Gwen tried once again to get him to agree, Cass was having none of it and told her in no uncertain terms that she would lose her kid if she didn't do what she's told. He's so getting an official cabinet position when Paul runs for office. But we digress. At the same time, Jack was trying to convince Carly to tell the judge what she did to Gwen, because it's wrong to win Rory with dirty tricks. Obviously, that argument didn't fly with Carly, who insisted to her protesting hubby that Gwen would be a horrible mother. "Just look at her. Look at her anger, her defiance. I know that girl. How she thinks. How she's wired. She's fighting for the baby for purely selfish reasons." Yeah, because about eight years ago, Carly saw that girl in the mirror every morning. Unable to change her mind, Jack refused to go with her. At the hearing, Gwen dutifully performed her promiscuity monologue, prompting Carly's attorney to note that such a lifestyle is "inconsistent with good parenting." Well that rules out all of daytime. The judge had heard all about the park incident, so poor Nancy actually was slightly maligned by Cass for being elderly and confused. But the judge had the forensics test results from the water bottle, which came back clean, so Carly and Gwen had one last chance to speak to the judge. Jack, a.k.a. Captain Conscience, showed up in time to inspire Carly to be slightly more charitable towards Gwen, but she didn't come near a confession. Both Jack and Emily slipped out of the courtroom at that time. "It's a page right out of your playbook," snapped Jack to Emily, somewhat unnecessarily before storming off. The judge (who finds this "a very disturbing case") came back with the request that Gwen be further evaluated for fitness; until then, the baby stays with the Snyders. It was an empty victory for Carly, who was about to leave when Iris showed up to threaten her some more. Gwen was sobbing at home when The Best Teen Ever arrived to comfort her. Jennifer was still maniacally trying to convince a flabbergasted Paul to work with Babs again when Emily returned in time to agree with her. "I'll try it," he said. "I just want you to be happy. I mean that. Whatever it takes. That's all I've ever wanted." And he really meant that. We think.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
We're a little confused by how surprisingly clever and logical everyone was today. That won't do for long, though — there's a baby switch storyline to drag out! The aftermath of Gwen's presumed child neglect was the talk of the town; it was all pram this, pram that, to the point that we never need to hear the word pram again. Maybe use of the word "carriage" went out of style around the time that a young Carly did that unspeakable thing with that beautiful boy that time that no one can remember clearly. Anyway, Carly sassily reported the whole nasty incident to Emily and Paul, who did their best not to panic and then quickly split up like a crime-fighting duo to do damage control.... Margo shielded her tool of a son, Casey, from the situation, while continuing to spoil him with a check for his catered (!) back-to-school bash. She then met with Emily to discuss Daniel, and things were actually civil for awhile as Em tried to nonchalantly defend Gwen. But when Margo suggested that Danny stay at the Hughes house a little longer so as not to be exposed to Emily's new boyfriend, things went sour. Emily stormed off before ordering Margo to have Daniel ready to go tomorrow, and to keep her advice to herself.... At the park, Jack was skeptical that poor Gwen would fall asleep in broad daylight while looking after the baby, and even more skeptical after further investigations. At home, he questioned Carly, who seemed a little too relieved about the events of the day. Though Carly tripped over herself to condemn Gwen, he stopped short of agreeing with her. Jack wisely guessed that this all has to do with the Frankenstein carriage flashbacks and how Rory is sort of a replacement for her presumed-dead baby brother. "I'm not gonna ask you what happened at the park today, because you and I both know what happens when you don't want to tell me the truth," Jack said astutely, then sent her up to bed alone.

At the hospital, Mike gently called Henry on faking his injury for fear of moving on without Katie. Henry tried to talk his way out of the accusation, and Mike sort of backed down, then offered to help Henry with a deposit on a new apartment, basically admitting that it's a way of saying thanks to Henry for being so decent about having his wife stolen (guilt trips are very profitable in Oakdale). Back at the cottage, Maddie had just gotten done chatting online with Byron (who mentioned Katie's pink sweater from high school). Moments later, a messenger brought a package for Katie, which Maddie happily signed for and immediately opened. Inside, was a fur-trimmed, Ed Wood-style pink cashmere sweater that we swear we've seen on someone (possibly even Katie, but maybe Alison or the Luckiest Little Montegan) before. She was so delighted by the gift, it prompted another fantasy in which Sophisti-Katie was threatened by Neanderthal Hick Mike (making us wistful for Cowboy Les), who was once again punched out by Heroic Henry. She was jolted out of her reverie by the real-life versions of her fantasy cast, all of whom were perplexed about who this increasingly fetishistic secret admirer could be, though they have now ruled out pink-loathing Simon. Mike pulled Katie out to get ice cream, which Henry saw as a chance for Mike to report what they discussed at the hospital. Henry was right: Mike told Katie that he's faking the injury and maybe even sent the gifts. Inside, Henry grilled Maddie until she was forced to confess all about K-K-K-Katie's creepy online romance with Byron. He instantly grabbed her computer to keep in the limo until she could prove she's responsible. But outside, they ran into Katie and Mike. "It's a miracle," shouted Maddie, regarding the fact that Henry is upright. "Amen, sister, hallelujah!" he exalted, as Mike gave Katie a "told you so" look. Meanwhile, Neanderthal Hick Mike might be our new favorite character.

.... Especially since the Best Teen Ever seems to be wavering again about whether to believe Gwen's admittedly insane-sounding persecution complex. As she worked out the details of how Carly must have framed her (this time including the cops in the conspiracy), he made the fatal mistake of saying, "If that's true..." which prompted her to tearfully demand that he reconfirm his loyalty: "Yes or no: do you believe that Casey's the father and I was set up this afternoon?" When he stammered around an answer (though reiterating that he was on her side), she kicked him out. Seconds later, there was a knock at the door. "Will, I'm so sorry," she said, opening the door, but it was Paul (why does no one ever cross paths leaving her room?). "Sorry? You may have just blown everything," Paul sternly scolded, pointing out that he warned her about deceitful Carly and added that "Nancy Hughes was there for one reason: to get you to let your guard down." What's done is done, though, so he gave her instructions for dealing with Cass, whose services he will continue to pay for. "Don't thank me. From now on, Gwen, you do as your told," he ordered before walking off powerfully. Paul's reasoning, smarts, persuasion, assertiveness, energy and problem-solving skills have so vastly improved that after he's done ruining his sister's life, he should consider running for office. Maybe in Bay City, though. Anyway, once Cass heard about Gwen's situation, he determined her case "unwinnable" and quit. But when he opened the door to leave, Paul was standing there, surprising the unflappable attorney. Gwen told Paul that Cass is quitting. "Maybe we can get him to reconsider. You know, as a personal favor to me," said Paul pointedly. Within minutes, he had Cass convinced to stay on as counsel, and made sure that attorney-client privileges applied to him as well. (Actually, maybe Paul will have to run in Springfield.) At the same time, the Best Teen Ever was off being all sad about what had happened (sigh) when he ran into Casey, who sniffed that Gwen is "is playing you just like she played me [dude]." Noting that Will apparently had great grades last year (from the psych ward?), Casey suggested that he not let Gwen drag him down during his bitchin' senior year, dude. Also, he invited him to his sweet back-to-school soiree, dude, but Will isn't ready to put their differences behind them.

Monday, September 12, 2005
Dusty and Jennifer had a fantastic screaming fight in which she rejected his help in getting clean and maniacally tried to justify her drug use by showing him all the designing she's been doing. He pointed out that her sketches are so last season. She was so outraged by his accusations and his threat to tell her family that she quit, even though he urged her not to make a decision under the influence. After she ordered him out, she tried to grab the bag of crank from him and they shared a sexually charged clench. Now methless and desperate, Jen dropped to her knees and swallowed a handful of happy pills. Moments later, Barbara came home and Jen maniacally suggested that they resume being partners, since she's done with Dusty. Jen then told her mother exactly what she wanted to hear about how Barbara is the only one who really understands her and what a big, bad partner Dusty has been. "Men like him don't like strong independent women," nodded a dutiful Babs, falling for it completely. Jen sealed the deal by suggesting that Dusty actually scared her. He had the misfortune of calling Babs at that very moment, asking to see her. So, as Jennifer eavesdropped maniacally (if that's possible), Dusty tried to warn Barbara that her daughter was hooked on drugs. "It's called crystal meth. Very bad news," he said, holding up the baggie like D.A.R.E. show-and-tell. "It could kill her," PSA'd Dusty, but Babs was too excited about the grand re-re-re-re-opening of BRO as a mother-daughter bonding experience to let herself believe him. Instead, she accused him of trying to sway her "with props, no less" and sent him on his way. She did, however, seem slightly worried.

In the park, a teary Gwen frantically searched for the baby. Just as a incredibly cynical passerby was declining to be "scammed" by her, Nancy and Carly returned. And oh, did Carly freak out on her. Nancy tried to be helpful, asking if the pram could have just rolled away, as Carly called the police and described the circumstances like an excellent little actress. Carly predicted that the cops would put out an Amber alert and instructed Gwen to wait for them while she and Nancy started looking. Gwen frantically called Will to meet her. Suddenly, the water bottle vendor showed up with the baby, which he'd found nearby. That's when Margo showed up and started asking questions. Naturally, the blame was on a confused Gwen, who finally concluded that she must have been drugged. Naturally, that notion sounded crazy to everyone. Naturally, Carly baited Gwen until she blurted that the baby would be hers, thus making Carly insist that she be arrested. Naturally, the Best Teen Ever showed up to support/calm Gwen down. Margo took the bottle of water for testing, but she didn't hide her scorn or skepticism as she sternly suggested to Will that he get Gwen out of her sight before she gets herself into a lot of trouble. At home, Will doubted that Nancy was involved in the set-up, as Gwen vowed to prove that Carly framed her. After Margo took Nancy (who actually turned out to be the least judgmental of the ladies) home, Carly met with the vendor, who sounded like he was growing a conscience — but took her pay-off money anyway.

On a foggy south-of-the-border runway, Luke was caught by some sketchy men, while Keith was inside La Clinica ordering Lucinda to come back to Oakdale with him. He went back to prepare the plane and found Luke's backpack, with the empty bottle of vodka. Back in Oakdale, a tearful Lily was grateful that Holden wasn't playing "I told you so" about Keith, who had betrayed her by obeying her mother's clearly delusional wishes. She even blamed Keith for putting Lucinda's life in danger before sobbing on Holden's shoulder. He had the maturity to try to defend Keith (!) to her, most-likely based on his own experience being strong-armed by Lucinda because of his love of Lily. The other matter at hand is Luke's disappearance. Together, Lily and Holden grilled a friend of his, and were shocked to learn that their son has become a vodka fiend.

Down in misty, water-colored Mexico, Lucinda boarded the plane, but the pilot wasn't ready to take off. "Waiting for a pancreas, perhaps?" she snarked, but he showed her the backpack. She was too weak to join in the search for Luke, so Keith left her in the plane. "I don't touch those on weekdays," protested Lucinda, when he tried to give her a gun for protection on the empty runway in lawless, misty Mexico. Once he was gone, she called Lily to confess all. "Our son is missing in Mexico!" fretted the Princess (which, come on, is kind of funny) as the call was disconnected and Lucinda heard a noise on the runway. "Luke! Luke! Luke!" she called out in a throaty whisper, as though her next line might be "I am your father."

Inside a darkened La Clinica (which must be located next to the airstrip), a shaky camera followed Keith, who ran into a gruff employee. The man ordered him to leave, but Keith heard Luke yelling just before he was clocked on the head. Uh-oh — hopefully he won't wake up in a bathtub missing his kidneys! (Although it would be ironic. Or karmic.)