Friday, December 9, 2005
A sprung Carly arrived home to the happy shrieks of her brood. Will was proud of Gwen for what she said in court, and Carly was eternally grateful. As Will spent some quality time with half brother Parker, Carly and Gwen had a private, sisterly chat about him, in which Carly noted that the teens are in love. "Is it that obvious?" Gwen goofily gushed, as though she and Will haven't basically been acting like a family. But Gwen's description of why she loves the Best Teen Ever was sweet ... until she said, "he's a part of me." That reeks too much of the Snyder Barn for us to get behind. Carly chose that moment to have The Sex Talk, asking whether they're using protection, but an appropriately embarrassed Gwen told her there has been no time to go all the way, what with all the poisonings, imprisonings and teething going on lately. Carly then volunteered to take Billy and give them a night alone (wink, wink, eww) but Gwen clearly hurt her feelings by declining. Back inside, little Billy was Cabot-level cute while sleeping contently on Will's shoulder, and Gwen told him about Carly's offer. The Best Teen Ever assured her there's no rush, but they cutely reconsidered anyway, and Parker and J.J. were freakishly delighted to have a real live baby to play with all night. After Gwen and Will accepted an invitation to Christmas at the Snyders they took off, while Jack and Carly talked a bit too much about their pending sex. Gwen and Will arrived at Barbara's cabin, which we haven't seen since Babs was being held captive and sprayed down with a water hose? (Ah, memories). Gwen came out in a little pajama top, and the teens finally got down to business. You'll have to use your imagination, though, because we won't be recapping the details. Back in Milltown, Jen showed up looking for Will just as Carly was putting Billy to bed. The cutest baby since Cabot grabbed Jennifer's hand, and she couldn't stop staring.

Meg was having one of her guilty flashbacks at Java when Jennifer showed up to be so kind and pathetic that it surely only made it worse, as did their heart-to-heart about why Jen is leaving. Meg then hesitantly turned the subject to Dusty ("You are one of the few people I can trust to be honest with me," Jen said, urging her to spit it out). Meg basically wanted reassurances that when and if Jen ever came back to town, she wouldn't go after Dusty, which is quite a request, but Jen assured her that not only are they just friends, but he loves Meg. And besides: "I would never do anything to ruin your happiness, especially after everything you've done for me." Ooh, that's gotta smart.

Hal and Dusty requested a warrant from Tom (brilliant) to look at the DNA test on Gwen's baby, which sent Tom into an angry tirade about how they have no business poking into the case that got his son dragged through the mud. Once again, Tom = awesome, and when Hal pointed out that they were potentially talking about his grandson, it finally hit us that Tom's grandson is dead. They made a good argument, so he summoned his son to the courthouse. Casey was understandably taken aback that Tom knew about Dusty's queries (especially since Dusty gave him his word just yesterday that any info Casey gave wouldn't come back on him), and toolishly pointed out that he "passed the paternity test." But Tom wanted the truth: Did he sleep with Gwen? Casey mumbled some protests and again called Gwen a liar without answering the question. Tool.

Paul was in a tizzy about Dusty's investigation, so he and Emily scrambled with a plan to destroy the sealed records. Emily faked a very convincing break-up with Paul (which she claimed was over Rosanna, ironically). While in Susan's embrace, she snagged the key to the records room. They snuck in and after some confusion over the name under which the baby's test would be filed, it hit Paul (hard) that Billy used to be Rory Cabot, son of Rosanna. That's where they found the records, and they were just about to shred them when Hal and Dusty walked in. Busted!

Thursday, December 8, 2005
After pushing Maddie out of the "speeding" car's path, Mike was hit hard. Maddie gave the cops Olga's description, telling them that's who was driving the car. But when her story didn't jibe, she was forced to tell him all of her suspicions about Henry's imprisonment, but the cop didn't have "much to go on." Meanwhile, Mike was in a neck brace during the whole conversation, which for some reason was hilarious. (Oh, he'll be fine!) On Firewall Island, Katie claimed that she called Mike to tell him not to try and find her, but BJ got all fidgety and creepy and demanded proof of her affection, so she planted a big kiss on him. It left him lovesick, but she wouldn't "give him more" unless he called off whatever he's planning in Oakdale. That's when he got a call from Olga, reporting that Mike got hit by the car. BJ didn't seem to mind telling Katie, who immediately freaked out and demanded to be brought home. He shockingly agreed.... but then ordered Olga to finish the job on Mike.

Paul was scolding his sister for hanging on to her dead baby's hospital bracelet, but once Jen and Em "assured" him she was healing okay, he backed down, saying that this is why she should leave town. "You need to get away from all the overprotective family members like ... me," he said sheepishly, but she still thought he overreacted. They successfully covered (blaming wedding jitters) and settled her suspicions. When Jen left the room to grab the veil, Paul was so shaken by the close call that Em had to take charge, asking him to focus on their wedding. "Marriage license. You did get it," she said. "Yeah," he nodded in a daze, before realizing he can't remember when he's lying anymore. "No. I'll go do that." He went out, and Emily again urged Jen not to worrry about what's up with him. Once Em had the full bridal regalia on, Hal showed up and stopped in his tracks when he spotted his ex. "Tell me that veil doesn't mean what I think it means," he said, apparently discounting the importance of her white gown. Hal was floored that a) Emily is getting married; and b) Jennifer is skipping town. For Em, he had a warning: "marrying Paul is the worst mistake that [she] could make.... Paul is using you because he is up to something and he needs an alibi." For Jen (after again calling her brother "a monster"), he had a plea to stay. She convinced him that she needs to go somewhere where no one pities her; he'll really miss her. Dusty told Meg he was ready to "break rules" to find the DNA proof before Jennifer got on the plane, so he decided to bring Hal into the investigation. They met at the hospital and had a lot of loud conversations about the suspected baby switch at the nurse's station. Hal was briefly skeptical until Dusty brought up Paul. And then it all made sense. "Meet me at the courthouse in an hour," said Hal with a manly handshake, heading off to get a warrant for the sealed records. Dusty then promised Meg he would keep her name out of it, to spare her job. Back at the penthouse, Emily had just calmed Jen's worries again when Paul stormed in: "Em, we got big problems," he blurted. They covered again, but he's totally unravelling. She covered her nerves by making hand puppets out of her superlong sweater sleeves.

Casey randomly tracked Will down at the courthouse (where he and Gwen had gone to support Carly, and toolishly demanded to know what they'd told Dusty. They argued and Casey mumbled something about his parents while Will mentioned how disappointed he is that Casey isn't the good person he thought he was. Casey left it at a stalemate, as Paul slinked up to spy on them. Paul later caught up with Casey and heard about Dusty's grilling. Inside the courtroom, Tom and Jessica (Hi Jessica!) agreed to go straight to sentencing, and Jess made a statement indicating that there were mitigating circumstances in Carly's case (not sure what those were), that she's a mother of three (J.J. comes in handy when playing on the court's sympathies) and the wife of one of Oakdale's most decorated detectives (but the judge knew that Jack is suspended). "My point, your honor is that she has strong ties here. For every misstep she may have taken in the past, there have been a number of actions that have benefitted her family and the community." (The community? Well, she did help Lily disinfect a crime scene earlier this year.) But the judge knows his customer: he called Carly on the fact that every time she gets in trouble she seems to get a slap on the wrist. Carly then pleaded for mercy, saying she protects the people she loves. Then Gwen came in and movingly vouched for her newfound sister. Finally, the judge announced his decision: her sentence was 12 years ... suspended. And the look of relief on Jack's face in the background when the judge said it was suspended was heart-meltingly sweet.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005
Noting that Maddie wasn't faking her post-Olga shove soreness, Mike started to believe her story. (The tool is being sharpened in the shed, to hearken back to yesterday's fantasy.) Mike wanted to bring the cops into the investigation, but crafty Maddie thought that was a horrible idea (preferring to sneak into Fairwinds instead). They couldn't agree, so she gave him the slip. On Firewall Island, BJ was just letting nature take its course. "What course, exactly, would that be." She faked an allergic reaction, then an already-jittery BJ got a call from Olga about Maddie's questioning and ordered her to "take care of [Maddie] immediately and permanently" which Katie overheard. BJ tried to shrug off the jumpiness and told Katie they had to go back to Oakdale, but thanks to her incessant questions, he briefly flipped out and got scary. She kept her cool, vowing that he could trust her (while shakily downing champagne), so he calmed himself down and giggled a confession about how he may have kind of sort of caused an old rival from high school to have a heart attack (after BJ lied to him about his wife and destroyed his business). Katie said that she understands his desire to destroy his enemies, but urged him to be a better man. He seemed to be considering that and went off to get her a gift. Taking advantage of the lull in crazy time, Katie called Mike and spent a lot of time telling him that she had no time to talk, but also managed to warn him not to let Maddie out of his sight. Mike's hilarious commentary to himself after she hung up: "Use your head, Kasnoff, it's BJ's phone." Now we're talking! When BJ rejoined Katie, he presented her with a mix CD (total geekdom!) of songs that remind him of her, the first of which was Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," which continued to play as BJ angrily realized that Katie had called Mike and, back in Oakdale, Mike pushed Maddie out of a speeding car's path, only to get run over himself.

Luckily, Dusty is sharp enough to jump immediately to the right conclusions, and handily smacked down all of Paul's possible motivations for keeping the truth from Jennifer when a panicky Meg brought them up. How interesting that a scene was written in which it takes (an admittedly super-cool) Dusty about 20 seconds to poke holes in the entire baby-switch story that's been raging for five months. In fact, he was ready to confront Paul when Meg (who clearly has not thought this through!) managed to talk him down from his vengeance crusade, and turned him instead to Casey Hughes, who was accused but later cleared from being the father of Gwen's baby, presumably after a DNA test was done. Which means they've got the kid's DNA and can do another test with Jen's DNA. But before Dusty could go grill the teen (talk about tools in the shed), he ran into Jen, who got him all flustered as usual, especially when she told him she was leaving town forever and ever. We also learned that she apparently is leaving so quickly that she won't even have time to say good-bye to her Aunt Kim, and instead asked Meg to pass on her message about the Toy Drive. Despite his starry eyes, Dusty was able to snag a hair off of Jen's magnificent head before she left. He then assured Meg that he and Jennifer are just friends. Later, Dusty finally did catch up with Casey, who got immediately defensive. Dusty coolly disarmed the toolish behavior, and got the result he wanted: a DNA test was done.

In Diagon Alley, Emily was trying to convince Jennifer to leave town basically within the hour when Paul interrupted them and very conveniently suggested that he and Em would simply tie the knot tomorrow, so his sister could be there. When Jennifer left, Paul suggested that if Emily can't find someone to officiate she should just hire an actor, because all that matters is that Jen thinks they're married and leaves town. As you may have guessed, the whole "fake wedding" thing didn't go over well with the bride-to-be, but Paul smooth-talked her right back into submission. As Paul helpfully changed her flights, Jen twisted the guilt knife a little more by bringing Emily a specially designed wedding gown and asking her to hold on to Johnny's hospital name bracelet. She was still trying it on when Paul walked in and saw her in her dress — do you think that's a bad sign? Suddenly, Paul got all snotty upon finding the bracelet.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005
That Meg totally missed her calling — she's quite an actress! After waking up from her most recent baby-switch nightmare, she left Dusty in bed, then went to the hospital and "rechecked" the files (since Gwen just brought Billy in for a checkup). Having spiraled into a very convincing panic when Dusty got there, she announced that according to the blood types, Gwen couldn't possibly be Billy's mother. By the time she was "piecing together" the events on the day of the blood test, we had almost forgotten that she had used her own blood and was faking the whole recall ... although she might later regret implicating Paul while she spun her tale, specifically "remembering" that he had been outside of the lab when she was forced to leave the vials of blood for a few minutes.

"I'm feeling a little hijacked" said Katie when she and Henry arrived on his "Firewall Island" and she realized that her cell phone doesn't work. He tried to take her mind off of her woes by pouring some champagne, but the "bubbles" only reminded her of Henry. "Nothing will ever work for me until Henry and I find that closure," she noted (and we wish she weren't just saying that as part of her undercover work). "Yeah. Maybe you should write him a letter," suggested BJ hilariously. But Katie kept pushing it, and BJ finally agreed to fly her to see Henry in "Palo Alto." So BJ creepily agreed to let her go home, but then got a phone call and claimed that the pilot conveniently took the plane back to the mainland, so they're stuck there for the night. Katie, who knows a little something about surviving in hostile island environments, reluctantly went along with it, even when she was forced to change out of her sassy red dress and into a sarong (thanks to BJ spilling champagne on her). BJ made his case for our sympathy by talking about how no one wanted the "old" him and his father ignored him, but he's still nuts — as evidenced by the bone-chilling way he stroked her face and told her that they're starting over.

Mike wasn't getting answers in his one-way conversation with someone, who we originally thought was Jack (which led to outrage when a frustrated Mike warned the caller that "if anything happens to Katie, it's on your head"). Maddie arrived with news that she'd had no luck tracking Katie down, and they had an amusing (and shockingly chemistry-laden) argument about how best to search for Katie and Henry (Mike's "not that" to the snarky waitress after Maddie asked for Henry's coffee order was especially funny). "You are the sharpest tool in the shed," complimented Maddie when he deduced that she had a mid-term to study for by reading a Post-It note stuck clearly on her binder. At least someone is still attending Oakdale Latin. Mike urged her to "stay put" before taking off, giving Maddie time for a SIX FEET UNDER-themed daydream (complete with the theme music), in which Sophisti-Katie was a bespectacled coroner who needed Maddie to ID Henry's corpse. "Mike told me to stay put," she wailed. "Mike is not the sharpest tool in the shed," responded Sophisti-Katie.... And Maddie snapped to when she overheard Olga order Henry's favorite coffee. She slyly tried to get info out of the belligerent blonde giant, who wasn't giving up anything. "Stay in school," she hilariously ordered, dismissing the teen and marching out of Java. Olga even shoved Maddie into the bench outside when she demanded to know Henry's whereabouts. That's when Mike showed up again; Maddie told him to follow that Amazon.

Having thrown together the hospital toy drive in a couple of days, Jen turned her attention to planning Paul and Emily's wedding. They were all strolling down Ye Olde Christmas Lane (or whatever they're calling that Dickensian new set that looks like the alley that Muggles can't see in Harry Potter) when Will showed up, baby strapped to his chest, to demand answers about her plans to skip town. Jen acted like she had a just few weeks left to live and therefore would like her brothers to make up before then, so Will (after some nudging) handed the baby over to Emily to take him somewhere "out of the wind" while the Ryans talked. Jen soon joined Em so that she could hold the baby and hit us over the head with the grief/guilt/irony show, while Will railed at Paul for using his concern for Jennifer to explain his lies and manipulation. But when Will suggested they just pretend they called a truce for their sister's sake, Paul turned his words around on him, pointing out that Will is just as desperate to protect Jen's feelings by lying as Paul is. That of course led to a genuine discussion. "Are you ever gonna be able to look at me and not think about Rose?" asked the Best Teen Ever, heartbreakingly. Paul admitted that can't trust anyone (even himself), but he loves his brother and it was quite a touching scene. And for once, there was absolutely no doubt that he was telling the truth. Back in the windsafe nook, Emily looked like she was about to do the same for the zillionth time with Jen, but covered by urging her to jump on the next plane so that she never has to see Billy again.

Lily and Holden were making out in the barn (How many times have you heard that one?) when Keith showed up outside and called her name. Lily hid behind a bale of hay when Holden warned poor deluded Keith that he wasn't giving up without a fight because he and Lily will always be a part of each other. He later told the Princess the same thing. Oh, she won't be able to deny if for long.

Monday, December 5, 2005
Gwen and Will were getting hot and heavy under the Christmas tree when they both stopped and pulled out a condom (having learned their lesson). After deciding to use his and "save [hers] for later," they disappeared behind the couch again, and we got a long close-up of some holiday stuffed animals as someone rapped on the door. It turned out to be Carly; the kids quickly pulled on their clothes and Gwen opened the door. Her sister had good news: Gwen now has full, permanent custody of Billy. Will, showing no sign of frustration that his chances of losing it today had effectively disappeared (Best Teen Ever), went to get the baby, while Gwen stammered out a thank-you to Carly. They had a sisterly chat about Billy and Will and what it would have been like if they'd been raised together. Carly had just given Gwen their father's pocketwatch when Tom showed up to bum them all out with news that Carly's trial date has been moved to tomorrow. And even though Gwen wants to drop the charges against Carly, it won't matter, since the vendor's testimony still stands.

Holden was mucking the stables (thus making himself irresistible to Lily) when she came to pick up the divorce papers, which he sort of annoyingly ripped up, with a kind of smug look on his face. But we're supposed to be thrilled that they're still a part of each other, so yay! What's more, Holden is so determined to hold on to her that he has hired Lucinda's lawyer to stop the divorce. The Princess did not clear his use of the Walsh lawyer, so she went to complain to her mommy, who was in her limo. It took her about half a scene to realize that Lucinda is both a) really depressed; b) bald; and c) still suffering from cancer, thanks for noticing! "I'm sorry, I'm being completely insensitive," confessed Lily, possibly sending viewers across the country into convulsions. Lucinda then requested and received a hug, before sobbing about how her dignity was being taken away. And then, because it can't all be about Lucinda's touching and relevant storyline, she had to make a "final request": "It's Keith — get rid of him. Go back to Holden, where you belong." "Everyone thinks they know what's inside of me, but they don't," said Lily, as a haunting, poignant violin played. "And at the end of the day, it's just you and your conscience. That's what matters." The Princess then headed back to the barn, where she was flooded with memories of her stubbled stable boy and all those years when they were part of each other (set to Martha Byrne's song, "Find My Way Back"). Holden picked just that moment to come back, and before they knew it, they were locking lips.

Emily ran into Tom while holiday shopping, and after some awkwardness about a toy for Daniel, Tom got to the point, asking why she wanted to meet him there. That's when Paul walked up and said he'd left the message. He just wanted to let Tom know that he and Em are getting hitched; Paul managed to sound somewhat creepy while promising that they are committed to providing Daniel with a stable home. "I don't mean to step on your toes here," said Paul. "Well you couldn't, but I do thank you for being considerate," responded a coolly guarded Tom, because he is awesome. After offering his congratulations, he left Em to weepily thank Paul for his kindness.

Meg was just about to tell Jennifer the truth about the baby, when Dusty's arrival gave her pause. Meg nervously greeted Dusty and scampered off to rearrange her schedule while Jen put on a brave face for Dusty about the toy drive, but he saw right through her (she's still in a bad state). Meg then covered with an inquisitive Jennifer and tucked her guilty conscience away for another day. Later, Dusty tried to massage her troubles (and a confession about what she was doing with Jen) out of her, but Meg didn't give up much beyond general concern. He then suggested they hang some pictures, thus winning himself a hot kiss. Meg, overwhelmed by her good fortune, couldn't resist asking him to reassure her again that he actually wants her. Later, we saw them in bed (and briefly thought it was another flashback of Lily and Holden, back in the day) as Meg tossed and turned, haunted by nightmares of her involvement in the baby-switch cover-up. "I thought I could do this, but I can't," she whispered very very quietly, ensuring that Dusty (and possibly much of the viewing audience) wouldn't hear.

Susan got the delightfully frightening pleasure of breaking the Emily/Paul wedding news to Barbara, thus providing us with plenty of fabulousness, because Babs immediately went into attack mode, and Susan didn't back down. The mud-slinging went beautifully both ways and extended beyond their engaged children to each other's parenting skills. "Let's let them kill each other, and we can come back later," suggested Paul, when he and Em walked in on the scene. Barbara stupidly brought up Hal in her denigration of Emily, which only made Em mention Babs's dumping of Hal for Craig (Yay! Craig was mentioned!) as Susan tried petting her daughter's arm to shush her. Jen finally put a stop to the madness, separating the mothers. "Excuse me, I was just fantasizing about lethal injection," quipped Susan, taking her daughter off for a cup of coffee, thus leaving the Ryans to fight it out some more. Jen engaged in some more brother defense (her new hobby) before Paul sent Babs on her way. "It's like trying to get Darth Vader to play well with others," shrugged Paul. Jennifer mentioned that she's happy for them, and she's sticking around for the wedding. Uh-oh — panic time for the bride and groom!