Friday, June 23, 2006
Gwen brought Jade to Carly's place like a stray puppy, suggesting she could stay there. "As long as we clean up, she's not gonna care." And neither would Will. (Riiiight) At the hospital, Will warned Paul to lay off Jennifer. Dusty sighed, "If you want to forgive Emily, that's your business," as he and Jen agreed to disagree about the manic Ms. Stewart. Jen pushed past a lurking Paul, who admitted to Dusty, "I came to help." In the psych ward, Emily got a surprise visit from Daniel! Meanwhile, Casey helped his parents pack for a trip to Chicago with Daniel, claiming "work" (really a scantily clad Maddie) would keep him from joining. On the Love Boat, Mike wasn't happy to realize that Vienna's man was his old (not) pal, Simon. He greeted him with a friendly shove and snarking ensued as Katie let slip that she'd known Simon was on board. Oops. Maddie made excuses and a hasty exit, but Casey's parents were wise to the deal. Wistful Emily assured Daniel she loved him. Jennifer watched from the doorway, telling Daniel that Emily had done "a very good thing." Back at Dr. Bob's office (a.k.a. the new Lakeview lobby), Paul and Dusty discussed "containing" Emily. At Carly's, Gwen and Jade sat around in cute pjs, bonding over homelessness and Will. "What the Hell are you doing here?" Will demanded of Jade when he arrived.

Simon mused that his presence on Katie and Mike's honeymoon was "fate, pure and simple." After huffy Katie dragged Mike away, Vienna wondered who exactly Katie was to her Aussie. "My wife," he sighed. Susan took Daniel aside so Jen and Em could chat. Emily mused about her kids growing up without her. Visibly moved, Jen fled. Dusty and Paul went a few rounds about Emily and Jennifer. Jen arrived, interrupting, "Stop ganging up on me!" Jade told Will about Gwen's Jade Outreach Project and he wasn't enthused. "I am not after you!" she assured. "Yeah, you say that now!" Naturally, Gwen walked up. In their cabin, Katie 'fessed up to Mike about Simon and the massage. "You can't think that I still have feelings for Simon!" (I don't know about Mike, but the recapper can!) Across the hall, Vienna unzipped her dress, revealing fetching white lingerie and suggesting Simon forget "the little blonde" next door. Casey assured a worried Margo and Tom that he was planning to be responsible — which they surprisingly accepted without comment. He bid them adieu and then buzzed Maddie. "I can't wait to see you."

Back at the nut hatch, Emily told Susan about Jen's visit. "I think she actually feels for me, Mom." Jen confirmed this as she blasted Dusty and Paul. "She saved my son and that is more important to me than your revenge and your free ride." Mid-romp, Vienna got seasick, so Simon headed to the hotel bar to mope (about Katie). Across the hall, Mike assured he wasn't jealous; Simon was just bad news. Katie replied that Simon had been a fairy tale and Mike was a "future I can count on." The happy duo made love. Unwilling to raise Gwen's hackles about the real cheating, Will decided to let Jade stay. "She's an operator," said Paul of Emily. "She's manipulating you!" Tom popped by looking for Dr. Bob. Jen asked him about Emily's sentencing and then asked Dusty to consider dropping the charges. "There's no way I can let that woman go free," Dusty growled. Jade martyrously offered to leave ... so, of course, Gwen reassured her that she could stay. At Chez Hughes, Casey lit candles for Maddie, but Dallas Griffin rang the bell. He'd come by looking for Margo. Then, Dallas ran into a shocked Maddie, noting, "It's been a long time." On the cruise, Katie went to grab a post-coital snack from the bar — where an angsty Simon was strumming a lovely (but also angsty) melody. Back at Memorial, Jen grew frantic and, to Dusty and Paul's horror, passed out....

Thursday, June 22, 2006
Will and Gwen were injecting the Snyder house with "some serious love karma" (his words) when Barbara called to (finally!) give him the news about Johnny. At CRASH, Maddie grilled Jade about being with Will at graduation, so Jade called Will to warn him, but he was too busy worrying about the baby to listen to her. Once Maddie and Casey were left alone, the frustrated girl tried to seduce her boyfriend into deflowering her again. He was annoyed that she can't seem to give him enough credit for appreciating everything about her (and not just wanting her for sex), but also confirmed that he totally does want her all the time. He is a teenage boy, after all, and was soon convinced that maybe it is time to consummate their relationship. So they made a date: they're gonna get it on in his bedroom tonight.

At the hospital, Lucy finished her hug with Jennifer that began days ago, and noted that the grateful mom was a little green around the gills. Jen admitted that she's exhausted, but all she can think about is Johnny. The doc urged her to get some rest, then went off to slumbering Princess Lily's room and tried to get Lucinda to do the same. La Walsh reluctantly left her "pussycat" for a moment, giving Jade a chance to step in and have a heart-to-unconscious-heart with her former fake aunt about how great it was to briefly be part of Lily's family before she ruined it all and how she could really use a mom right now. Gwen spied this display of emotion and sincerely apologized and (finally remembering what it feels like to be all alone) offered Jade a place to stay.

Paul, making himself at home behind Bob's desk, tricked Dusty into a meeting and, dialing his Svengali skills to 11, pointed out that they both have the same interest: to make sure Emily goes to jail. "I'm not afraid of Emily. You are," said a cool Dusty, smoothly noting that Paul is the dangerous one that everyone should be worried about. He offered Paul no reassurances, refusing even to admit to his own supreme hatred of Em, who was at that moment pleading her baby's case with Jennifer. Em wants Johnny and Paul (or Paulette), Jr. to grow up together, but Jen was not quite ready to reconcile with her brother. Dusty returned in time to forcefully order the missus not to fall for Emily's sob story. Paul interrupted to agree with him. "Do I look like I need your help?" sneered Dusty, but Paul stood his ground, so Jennifer gave Dusty the good news about the baby, then dragged him off to see Johnny. That left unhappy parents-to-be Paul and Emily awkwardly alone. "You can deny me all you want, but you cannot deny this," she said, putting his hand on her belly. Ooh, good one! Paul — who is totally mushy deep down — got a taste of his own medicine, and eventually pulled away like he'd been burned. "You can't do that," he whined, clearly shaken. "Me bonding with my child is one thing, but you're not a part of this.... The reality is that you will be locked up, paying for what you've done and I will be raising this child without you." Not if Jennifer has anything to say about it, noted his smug ex. Meanwhile, Jennifer was listening to Dusty's lecture about the dangers of speaking to Emily when Will arrived, and sweetly stood up for his sister, even adding that Emily was always a good stepmother to him and mother to Daniel. The Best Teen Ever (oh yes, he gets that nickname for his protective streak today) said that it might be nice to have Em around to diffuse Paul's nuttiness and even noted that Dusty is acting a bit Stenbeckian himself, what with the way he's shouting orders at Jen.

Woo-hoo! Simon (Don't worry, we'll get over it eventually) cheekily challenged Katie to let Mike into the cabin; instead, she stuffed him in the bathroom and then went about the hilarious business of distracting her amorous hubby, before sending him off to thwart Vienna's attempts to set up a playdate with the foursome. She then opened the door to Simon, and with some super-sparkling banter, tried to get him to stay away from her before she ruins her honeymoon. "If I can do that, then you two are definitely doing something wrong together. And by the way, aren't honeymoons supposed to be spent in bed? I mean, ours was," he teased seductively, and honestly, Katie would normally be powerless to resist this kind of onslaught for much longer. She did manage to stay strong in spite of such dreaminess, and sent her pouting ex sadly on his way, never to be seen or heard from again. Simon went off to awesomely: a) annoy Vienna by not showing a shred of jealousy about her drink with Mike, and also rejecting her dinner invite; b) sneak back into Katie's cabin to look really depressed while reminiscing about their wedding. Finally, he changed his mind about dinner, and got all sexily suited up for supper. But (since she stopped up her ears when he tried to tell her where his cabin was) Katie still had no idea that Simon was with Vienna, so it was quite a shock for her (and even more so for Mike) to see him suavely saunter up to join them all for dinner. Woo-hoo!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Props to Mike, who got to relax into his cool, nice-guy vibe today with a flirty Vienna (who was as contrite as possible for a filthy rich spoiled brat) even with Simon's (woo-hoo!) glorious presence on the Love Boat. Speaking of, the delightfully sassy Aussie commenced massaging a clueless Katie, who was easily coaxed into rambling on about her various husbands, her voice cracking a bit when he (in a silly French accent) inquired about her first hubby ("I don't really talk about him. Ever," she responded). After some cutely annoyed and alternately poignant, but mostly silent reactions to her chatter (his shock to learn of her union to Henry was particularly hilarious, even if that whole botched storyline was glossed over somewhat annoyingly), Simon let her know it was him. "Simon?," she asked, alarmed. "Katie?" he responded, cocky enough to count on the mere sight of his dreamy self being enough to have her (like a good portion of the audience, us included) grinning like a fool, helpless to his charms. But Katie was mostly annoyed and nearing hysterics; Simon countered with a kiss, which she didn't really return. He noted that since she's clearly over him, why shouldn't she and "Construction Mike" join him and his new squeeze for dinner? That didn't go over well, and the discussion turned to the pain he caused her before she sincerely asked him to get off of the ship and out of her life. Vienna was at that moment trying to convince Mike to join her and Simon for dinner so that she could make things right with her man, but he just wanted to go find his wife, who he sweetly described as "my angel." By the end of the day, he was knocking on her door, on the other side of which stood a panic-stricken Katie, with Simon. Woo-hoo!

Lily was trying to tell Luke something when she started having a weird hand seizure (picture someone frozen in the "I caught a fish that was THIS big" position, with twitching). Luke freaked, and the Princess's doctors and husbands (current and former) came rushing in. Once the seizure was under control, Bob told Luke and Holden (who purposely excluded Damian) that the baby's fine and so is Lily, but she's back in a coma. All they can do is talk to her about non-stressful things (good luck with that) and hope for the best. While we're happy to see Bob, wouldn't it be great if Ben Harris, the famed neurosurgeon, could come in for a second opinion? Also, Dr. Schiller should really be checking in on that baby. Anyway, all of this led Holden to conclude that the sound of Luke's voice might make Lily start seizing again, so he won't be making any more bedside visits. A worried Holden then dutifully reported to Lily's side, while Luke still wondered what his mother was so desperate to tell him. Sneaky Damian was no help on that front, but did promise that his son would always have a home with him at Fairwinds.

Gwen and Maddie both went ballistic at the news of Jade's CRASH hire, as Will tried to convince his wife (who uncharacteristically and hypocritically snarked that someone who is homeless, broke and alone is that way for a reason) that he was just trying to help out Jade, since it's his fault that she lost her job at the library. There was some more squabbling about whether he lied about the exact moment that Jade asked for his help, but it was mostly blown over by the time they got to Jack and Carly's, where Will hilariously rummaged through the Snyders' drawers and stuff as they talked about how rattled she is by her sister's separation before rejoicing in the solidity of their own fantastic, now completely lie-free marriage. Meanwhile Casey, who has somehow become the reasonable, mostly non-toolish, upstanding citizen of the teen scene since they all entered the bizarro world of CRASH, refereed between Maddie (who has more of a legitimate reason to hate his new employee) and Jade, who implied that the other girl is just jealous. "You could not steal Casey from me if you were stark naked, dipped in gold, with World Series tickets stapled to your forehead," snapped Maddie awesomely, later telling Casey that Jade clearly must be holding something over Will. Jade stood her ground, but in trying to prove her worth, inadvertently revealed to them that she was with Will (but didn't mention that she was "with" with him) on graduation night. So much for her boasting about how good she is at keeping secrets.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Woo-hoo! It's Simon! He and Vienna woke up on opposite ends of the bed, a little worse for wear thanks to a rough night of decadence. By contrast, it was a romantic morning for old marrieds Mike and Katie, even though she was kept up half the night by those "selfish idiots" across the hall, who were by then grumbling about the need for food and hair of the dog. Since Vienna's not much of a morning person (and room service didn't cave to her snotty demands), Simon sexily volunteered to hit the bourgeois breakfast buffet for her, but Vienna got a better idea after he stepped into the shower: just steal her neighbor's food. Katie (who's responsible enough to order the night before) was hilariously flabbergasted by being out-bratted, but soon recovered enough to bang on the door. It was then time for the near-miss hijinks to ensue: Simon was out of the bath and into his towel, and upon hearing (and clearly recognizing) Katie's voice again, he opened the door, but by then Katie had run back to her cabin to be calmed down by Mike, who convinced her to eat breakfast out on the deck. She sent him on his way while she lingered behind to grab her forgotten key. Back across the hall, Simon was warning a pouty Vienna that he finds her feud tiresome and was finagling to set up a face-to-face summit to make nice with the neighbors. He then opened the door again and was stopped (awesomely) dead in his tracks at the sight of Katie fishing around in her purse, a lovesick grin spreading across his face. He closed the door again before she spotted him and was nervously stuffing his face with croissants while Vienna flew into her latest tantrum: apparently the "neighbor from hell" has booked up the masseuse for the morning. That gave Simon an idea: He bribed the masseuse to work on Vienna while he prepared to give Katie a rubdown. Woo-hoo!

In a masterful bit of psychological manipulation that even Paul could learn from, Damian managed to be supportive of Luke (who thinks he's to blame for Lily's accident and that Holden hates him), while maintaining his own agenda: keeping everyone from knowing that the deprogramming camp was his idea. At the hospital, Lucinda was gently stroking the forehead of her sleeping Princess when she and Holden got news from Bob that everything's fine with the pregnancy, but Lily may not come out of the coma "as quickly as we'd like." Holden then told his mother-in-law that he's not sure what happened (even as he recalled, in this flashback-heavy episode, Luke explaining it to him very clearly) but that Luke and Damian were with her when she fell. That got La Walsh to raise an eyebrow; she promised to figure out what's up while he watches over Lily. That's when Luke showed up and, in his teenagery way, got all defensive upon misinterpreting Holden's concern that he might upset the Princess. Holden then reiterated his belief that there's no way Lily would have shipped Luke off to a deprogramming camp against his will. Luke swore he was telling the truth, then went to his Mom's room to apologize. While Holden demanded answers from Damian outside, Luke had just finished his heartfelt speech (complete with flashbacks to Ross and the slow-mo fall) when suddenly, Lily grabbed her son's hand.

Will was studying (we're back to that again?) when Casey, of all people, gave him some brief advice about not lying to your spouse. After flashing back to Jade requesting a job, Will set about convincing Casey (who toolishly judged Jade for helping Will cheat) to give the girl a job, despite Casey's grave reservations and astute suspicions.

Gwen, meanwhile, was preoccupied with Carly, who begged out of their plans for the evening with a vague excuse. The truth was that Carly was packing up Jack's stuff, before summoning him to pick up his boxes in preparation for her to head to Montana with the kids for awhile. She had even taken care of breaking the news to Parker and J.J. that Daddy wouldn't be coming home again. Ever. The longing looks and charged moments were piling up between the soon-to-be-ex-Snyders when Gwen arrived to check on her and note that her marriage is doing great, thanks to her sister's great example of happily ever after. Seconds later, she learned about her faux pas from a teary Carly, who rushed off to get her a drink. Gwen used that time to urge Jack to stick around, but he (ironically) gave her his spiel about trust. Once he stepped out to bring some boxes to the car, Carly urged her sister to be happy in her own marriage and gave her the key to the house, so that Gwen and Will could have some privacy while Carly and the kids are in Montana. Gwen took off, and Carly handed the signed separation papers to Jack. "So that's it," she said. "We are officially over." He assured her that he wouldn't fight for custody, then she left him to finish packing — but not before sharing another almost-kiss moment with her that left them both shaken.

Back at CRASH, a delighted Jade showed up and hugged Will with gratitude (which Casey noted), then joked that she and Gwen might even become close. Will quickly shut her down by sternly warning her to stay away from his wife. Speaking of, Gwen returned and reacted less than thrilled to the official word that Jade is now a CRASH employee.

Monday, June 19, 2006
Katie and Mike were enjoying their revived romantic evening (which is weird because hadn't they already settled down to sleep before?), when Katie decided she first had to march herself on over to that drunken "chick's" room and warn her to stay "on her side of the Love Boat." Mike seduced her into stopping, but little did Katie know, Vienna (the honeymoon crasher) was across the hall purring about giving an already-tipsy Simon (Woo-hoo!) a vodka massage and playing 20 questions. But "When was the last time you told a woman you loved her?" sobered him up a bit (awesomely), so he changed the subject and whisked her off to find a party, just missing Mike and Katie (who had dressed to go out) as each pair exited their cabins. Simon and Vienna came back later, having collected all the most ridiculously rich people on the boat (as if they'd be caught dead on a public cruise when they could just buy a private yacht) to dance the night away to music so loud that Katie (back in bed again) couldn't sleep, so she slipped out and started screeching at them to shut up. That got Simon's attention. "I know that voice," he said, as an (awesome) look of heartache crossed his face, as he'd seen a ghost. He quickly (awesomely) tossed Vienna aside and opened the door, but by that time, Katie was already snuggling back in bed with Mike. Simon brushed it off with an "impossible" and pulled Vienna into a kiss, but he was clearly shaken.

Paul was shocked to learn that Emily had donated her unborn baby's stem cells to save Johnny, and it only made him more angry at Emily, though he couldn't articulate why, exactly. Dusty suspected that, had he been asked, Paul might not have given his consent and then everybody did lots of arguing and worrying about their own interests while pretending to care about other people at the same time. Meg and Dusty had a snarky little talk while Paul accused Em of "putting [their] child at risk" to make herself look good. She insisted that the donated her baby's stem cells out of the goodness of her heart. "So if a break came your way because of this, you'd turn it down?" he asked, to which she replied that she wouldn't, only because she has to think of her child's future. "Your child's future is with Meg and I," he countered, to which she insisted that she still has hope and reiterated that she did what she did because it's the right thing to do. "What was the last selfless thing you ever did?" she asked. "I walked away from you that night on the bluff. Right before you shot me in the back," he sassed, and really, isn't that water under the bridge at this point? Jen walked in on this and shooed her brother away from her baby's savior. Speaking of, remember Johnny? The procedure went well, apparently, but he's not out of the woods, so Jennifer still gets to worry, but she expressed her eternal gratitude to Emily, anyway. Paul and Meg went to the Yacht Club (maybe?) to regroup and argue about whether Jennifer or Dusty will get to decide their official to-forgive-or-not-to forgive-Emily-as-a-couple decree. Either way, pointed out Meg, Em will likely go to jail anyway. But Paul is too impatient to sit around waiting for the creaky old law to do his bidding.

Lily repeated Friday's slow-mo roll down the stairs, to Luke's slow-mo horror. After confirming that his mother wasn't dead (way to stay optimistic, kid!), Luke followed Damian's instructions and called and ambulance while Holden rushed in and alternated between worrying about Lily, blaming Damian and grilling Luke. At the hospital, Luke explained about Ross and the deprogramming camp, but Holden still couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that his son would push his mother when she was eight months pregnant. "You know that your mother would never have you kidnapped," pointed out Holden incredulously, and went he put it that way, Luke does look kind of silly. Back at the Snyder house, Damian and Ross argued about the accident and when the deprogrammer got all snitty about how he didn't sign on for this messy business of pregnant ladies falling down stairs, Damian creepily warned him to "be very careful" before heading to the hospital. There, Holden held a comatose Lily's hand, where Luke and Damian learned from blabbermouth Lucy that Lily's tests came back inconclusive and that Holden wants Luke to make sure that the girls are taken care of for the night. Luke naturally jumped to the conclusion (with Damian's subtle influence) that Holden hates him and wants him to move out of the house. The teen agreed to spend the night with his biological dad, who took a second to flirt with Lucy before heading home.

2005 recaps