Friday, February 2, 2007
Katie was at the Lakeview, sadly reading her letter from Simon again (oh yeah, she's over him alright) when Kim arrived. "I'm saving it to remind myself of how incredibly stupid I can be," she said, before telling Kim all of her business with Mike and the fact that she can no longer see Jack's kids, who are suddenly so important to her. "My entire world is falling apart," she lamented. Kim kindly accepted the hyperbole and offered to help "put it back together" by giving her a job. She'd already pitched Katie to the WOAK board as a young, high-profile personality to host a new TV show. "Kind of like the show I used to do, only better," she pitched. Okay, nothing could be more fabulous than PATTERNS, but whatever. Katie was moved to tears by Kim's faith in her; Kim warmly told her that now they have to work on Katie's confidence in herself.

Brad strolled into the kitchen and proudly mentioned his supposed job search to an unimpressed Jack, including an application at a cigar bar (hoping to trade on his expertise). "No openings at the Sitting Around Doing Nothing Bar?" cracked Jack, as the brothers shared some more made-up memories about Sunday school lessons. Then Vienna came down with her luggage and her sparkly evening bag. She said a sweet good-bye to Jack, urging him not to give into bitterness. Brad then talked Vienna into letting him join her in her Lakeview suite.

At the Lakeview, Vienna bee-lined her way over to give Katie a little unsolicited advice, which is just what Katie needed: a catty little snarkfest. They traded a few barbs before Katie admitted that Mike has left her, while pointing out that Vienna is clearly alone as well. Vienna wanted to bond over their lives being ruined by Simon, but Katie just wanted to go home. Brad sidled up to the ladies, but Katie had no interest in meeting Vienna's latest boy toy. Never mind that she's totally met him before — or at least has attended the same small gatherings with him. "There's nothing I like better than bubbly little blondes making snap judgments," Brad hissed, somewhat cruelly adding that it's no wonder she's alone.

Paul was all "Beat it, kid," when he found Parker in the cabin, but the kid stood his ground and noted that he was once just like Paul, a psychic superhero. (Sudden-onset puberty must have killed the spinning vibes.) "Did you have a vision about me putting you in my car and taking you back to see your Dad?" asked Paul wryly. "Do you like it when people make jokes about it?" Parker sassed right back awesomely, adding for the record (again) that Jack's not his dad — and he couldn't save Hal just like he can't save Carly. The psychic friends bonded over the frustrating gift/curse aspects of their powers, and Paul urged Parker not to blame himself for the things that happened with his mom, and also not to push Jack away. "He's the dad you've got ... You need [him]," advised the psychic guru, telling the kid not to come back.

By then Jack was worried, because he'd realized that Parker was gone. J.J. knew something and though he first announced, "I won't be a rat like him." (Because Parker "betrayed" Carly when J.J. tried to protect her), the little do-gooder eventually confessed to seeing Parker sneak out. Parker finally returned home in full-on smart aleck mode and back-talked a stern Jack.

Lily was dealing with business calls while also trying to get eternal sourpuss Faith to eat something. When Lily stepped away, Faith cleared her plate somehow. Luke arrived and mock-sentenced them to a time out for their silly arguing, then agreed to watch out for Faith while Lily goes out. Faith then confided in Luke that she hates their mother; he wondered why. "She thinks she's the queen of everything," snipped his snotty sister, pointing out that Lily almost shipped him off to deprogramming camp not long ago. Luke defended Lily, because he's the perfect son. He then put the squeeze on Natalie, who quickly ratted out their sister by telling Luke that Faith threw up and doesn't want anyone to know. Later, he tried to apologize to Faith, who clearly idolizes him. When Lily came back into the room, Faith was back to monosyllabic grunts. "I know what you're doing," Luke told Faith when they were alone again.

Meg realized with horror that Craig doctored her dead patient's diary entry to help clear her name. He was willing to discuss her accusations, but not there at the hospital, he whispered urgently. When they were at his house later, she noted that he's done all of these things (like saving her life and career) not just to help her, but because he wants her. Way to look a gift horse in the mouth, Meg. Craig noted that she's so interesting and hot that she could just be a kept woman (he described someone like Vienna), but instead she toils away at Memorial like other mortals and therefore earns his endless admiration. (Well, he did fall for a scrappy young freedom fighter once, so altruism is clearly a major turn-on for him.) Meg was charmed and also a little tipsy by that point, and they had a flirtatious little conversation about how she's still a good person and how he wants her to like him. "Because if I get you to like me, I won't be who everyone says I am," he said seductively. At the cabin, Paul pricked his finger and had a psychedelic vision of a bracelet tumbling into an abyss. Cut to Meg, wearing the bracelet — until she took it off to better make out with Craig!

Thursday, February 1, 2007
Jack was cleaning up the kitchen table on which Brad and Vienna were doing their icky business earlier when Katie dropped by to show him Simon's letter, which is postmarked from Australia. It was the last thing he wanted to see, and he pointed out that it didn't give them much of a clue as the fugitives' whereabouts. Katie admitted that she just wants Mike back, anyway. Jack tried to comfort her with a hug, which of course Parker walked in on. He brattily told them not to "act innocent," given what they were doing. Katie tried to explain herself, but Jack noted that Parker knows that nothing was going on. "I guess, since she's married," the boy spat, driving Katie to tears. Katie then tried to express her sympathy for his mother's flight from justice (the justice that Katie was hell-bent on upholding), but he called her a liar, noting that he heard all about Katie's book — which slandered Carly — at school. He then refused to apologize, arguing that Katie is, empirically, a liar. Katie couldn't really defend her crazed vendetta against Carly and Simon, but Jack assured her that Parker's mad at everybody right now. She apologized to him and he asked what she could do. Jack asked her nicely to stay away from his kids. She took full responsibility for the destruction of her marriage and he accepted her apology.

Meg came upon some snooping nurses reading her dead patient's records and offered to "satisfy" their ghoulish curiosity by making them feel bad about snooping. She also reawakened some of her own guilt while curiously looking at the report herself. Something must have been missed, she realized in confusion, as Craig arrived and cheekily wondered why she was so sad. Paul arrived then, and asked to talk to her. "Crystal ball whispering to you again, Paul?" asked Craig. Paul responded that it was more of a scary scream, which to him is more frightening than anything Craig could do. When Craig left, Paul told Meg that he had decided to accept his curse/gift and get himself tested. She asked what the doctors found. "I have a screw loose, but it's a very tiny screw," he joked, before offering to help her find out how her patient died. Since she knows exactly how that happened, she recoiled from his psychic touch and told him that she doesn't need anything from him, as Craig spied on them. Montgomery then returned and sent Paul on his way so he could continue hitting on her. Bob then stopped by with news that the autopsy showed Sarah died of an allergic reaction to her medication, and that her diary entries showed that she wanted to commit suicide by lying about her allergies. So Meg's all clear! Craig sauntered back up with coffee and slyly mentioned how she was saved by the diary. She wondered how he would know about that if he wasn't listening to her conversation with Bob.

Meanwhile, Paul went back to his cabin to find Parker waiting.

When Will angrily accused Iris of framing him, she retorted by using his trigger word (crazy). "Want to find out how crazy I am? Keep lying to me," he gritted, eyes blazing in his "just give me a reason" way. In her classic, sassy defensive mode, she provided her alibi: back-to-back AA meetings, which she proved by producing her sponsor to vouch for her to a still-skeptical Will.

Adam came to see Gwen at her dorm room and proceeded to craftily chip away at any of her remaining faith in Will while claiming to be worried about his brother. They were engaging in some rose-colored memories (his involving "talking" to Will while he was institutionalized; hers involving never having been let down by Will) when Barbara showed up looking for her son and immediately got suspicious of Adam's motives. When Gwen told her about the stolen bonds, Babs noted that it makes no sense that Will would steal them, because he hates taking money from her. She then pulled out her checkbook. "It's money, it doesn't matter. What's important is you and Will," argued an impassioned Barbara. Gwen tried to turn down the handout, but Adam had no problem plucking the check out of her fingers. Iris then showed up then and tattled on Will's attempt to "muscle [her] into a confession" as she traded barbs with "Barbie." Adam ushered Iris out and scolded her for causing a scene; she demanded her "cut" of Barbara's check. He wanted to lay low for awhile. Inside the dorm room, Barbara begged Gwen not to give up on Will, taking full responsibility for any of his possible shortcomings and implying that she also thinks Will stole the bonds, but he did it out of love. "Whether he did or not — does it matter?" asked Adam when Barbara left, seductively noting that superstardom is around the corner. But Gwen's mind was on Will, and the huge mistake she made in not trusting him. By then it was too late — he had been worked up into a bigger rage by Barbara's report about the events in Gwen's dorm room, which he interpreted as a discussion about how they all think he's a lunatic again. When Gwen called, he slammed down the phone and threw it across the room. Adam took his sister-in-law into his arms to comfort her.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007
"There's something about me that makes men turn into animals," lamented a nonchalantly self-centered Vienna, interrupting Jack and Brad's argument. Though they tried to protest that they were fighting over Brad being a bigoted dolt, Vienna didn't hear them. Apparently, she swore "after that time in Shanghai" not to come between brothers again. Parker showed up as Vienna (who had by then decided that Jack's real problem is Carly) was leaning in for a kiss. Jack chased down his disgruntled "son," and Brad tried to help by noting that at "a good Snyder never turns down a party." That was Parker's opportunity to grumpily point out that he's not, in fact, a Snyder.

When Faith turned down more appetizers (despite Lily's urging her to eat and the fact that she stared at them all night), Natalie innocently wondered whether she was "still sick" which naturally perked Lily's ears. The sisters covered.

Jack sent his brother home and went inside with a surly Parker, who argued that he already ate and asked to hang outside while they had dinner. Jack relented, and Holden allowed Faith to do the same after eliciting a promise that she would eat later. They discussed the unseasonably mild February, which naturally led to a discussion on Global Warming. "The whole world's messed up," sighed Parker with pure adolescent overdramatic angst. Faith, trying to keep up the conversation, asked if he was into in the environment and stuff. "I like science class. I get to blow up stuff sometimes," he shrugged, sounding like a darling little Will Munson in training. She argued that while it sucks that his parents broke up, at least his mom's not a "phony." No, just a fugitive —— Parker figured he wins the "whose life is worse" contest.

Meanwhile, Jack and Holden had an awesome heart-to-heart about Parker, who feels like he's been "abandoned" by his mother and blames Jack for leaving her in the first place. (Not wrong.) "I couldn't love that kid more ... and sometimes when he looks at me, I swear I feel like I'm staring at pure hatred," confided Jack, who got a pep talk from his cousin. Afterward, Jack offered to take Parker to Arizona to see a Cubs spring training game, but the boy sassed that Jack's a White Sox fan; his dad Hal is the one who loved the Cubs, and he wouldn't forget that just because he's dead! That, of course, is not what Jack meant, but Parker argued that a baseball game won't make up for the fact that his mom is gone, and he doesn't want her coming back anyway. Parker then stomped inside to find Brad bending Vienna backwards over the kitchen table in a romance novel cover make-out position — because she had just admitted to him that she was starting to have feelings for him, but apparently her heart now belongs to Jack (!), who she was hoping to make jealous. Jack scolded them like teenagers; Vienna begged for forgiveness while Brad was his usual insolent self. Jack ordered Vienna to move out and Brad to get a job.

After a cozy moment with Holden when all the guests were gone, Lily held up her bottle of pills and thanked them for her willpower that evening.

Emily (looking awfully svelte in her bra and panties, considering portrayer Kelley Menighan Hensley's real-life pregnancy) had sort of dazed, anonymous sex with her businessman, who told her she could call him Steve. After some awkward small talk, he got her phone number and left. She took a shower, and was then stunned to find a stack of cash on the bed stand. Meanwhile, Lucinda griped to Dusty about having to wait for a tardy Em to show up to talk business, but Dusty defended his new buddy/former kidnapper.

A delighted Adam eavesdropped on Gwen and Will's argument for a few more seconds before entering to ask if he could help. Gwen explained the situation so that Adam could figure out what might have happened, but a hurt and angry Will was already on the defensive. Adam suggested that the bond might be Lucinda's (it is her cottage, after all), but a housecall from the banker ruined that theory, just as Adam planned. It only got worse between the Munsons from there: Will continued to assume that Gwen thinks the worst of him and she didn't do a very convincing job of assuring him otherwise until finally she stormed out. "I was on your side, too," smirked Worst Brother Ever Adam, shaking his head in disgust as he walked out. Two seconds later, to his eternal credit, Will realized he'd been set up — and went straight to Iris, who was downing piña coladas at the Lakeview bar.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007
After finding Brad laying on top of Vienna on Emma's kitchen floor, Jack scolded his brother for sitting around on his "duff" all day and hitting on Vienna. Out of brotherly love, Brad generously offered to let Jack "have" Vienna, who he basically described as so hot that you can't even look at her directly, but Jack pointed out that the heiress is a guest, not a toy. Holden interrupted their argument, which for Jack was about responsibility and for Brad was about liking the same woman. Holden took Jack's side, causing Brad to apologize. Jack reciprocated, noting that his sense of humor must have disappeared with Carly. Holden invited them to dinner, then privately asked Brad to "keep things civil tonight." Brad turned around and invited Vienna to come along.

Lily was preparing for the family dinner and dealing with a snotty Faith while resisting the canapés she'd made for the guests. Faith couldn't; she downed a few of the apps, but when Luke got caught eating a couple as well, he took most of their mother's good-natured "blame." She asked her son how school is going, but he pointed out that she always sounds like she expects him to say he was beaten up by gay-bashers between periods. "I just worry about you," she sighed. "If someone gives you a hard time..." "You will be the first to know," he finished. "Really?" she asked. "No," he responded, awesomely.

At the delightfully disastrous family dinner, Brad boisterously flattered Lily and her daughters, all of whom met Vienna for the first time. Faith and Natalie were just as wowed by the gorgeous heiress as Cousin Brad, but Lily (clearly feeling inadequate) tried to ply her with canapés, then downed diet pills, as Faith watched. Brad and Jack traded "memories" of their childhood, while Lily appeared to grow increasingly more stressed (though Vienna actually offered to help). Brad then asked about the new decor, wondering if they got "some queer-type to do it," before homophobically lisping that it looked like they might have gotten someone who is "fabulous with fabrics and colors" just as Luke walked in. This set Lily off — she yelled at Brad to get out of her house if he was going to make comments like that. Jack shoved his brother outside to slap some sensitivity into him (though Vienna naturally assumed they were fighting over her), while Lily seemed ready to burst into tears as Holden and Luke, as usual, tried to calm her down. She stared at her pills and looked like she was having a hot flash, as Natalie quizzed Faith about how she just heard her throwing up in the bathroom five minutes ago. Faith told her sister to keep her mouth shut.

Emily, who was shipped off to boarding school once herself (and ended up hooking up with James Stenbeck while she was away) was still freaking out about Daniel going away to Endicott Prep, but Susan encouraged her to think about what's best for her son. Instead, Em asked Tom for a moment alone with Daniel, in which she weepily begged him not to leave, even promising to buy a new house if he would stick around. Being a kid, he sweetly told his mom that he wouldn't leave if she really didn't want him to. That snapped her out of her selfishness and she decided to cut the apron strings; a proud Tom comforted her. Susan pointed out that this could be an opportunity for her daughter to do something positive with her life. "Maybe I'm just not wired to be a good girl," lamented Emily, before getting a phone call to meet Dusty. Em took the "opportunity" to skip the sure-to-be painful final farewell with her son and leave, but she needed a martini before her meeting (maybe she learned that from best-friend-for-a-sec Henry). At the bar, she ran into a flirtatious businessman, who charmed her into coming up to his room.

A sneaky Iris scurried around so much in her efforts to hide that a returning Gwen assumed there was a mouse in the house. Will arrived and promised to get a humane trap before they began setting up for a romantic evening in front of the fireplace. But that's when Gwen found the planted bond. Will was just as perplexed as she was to see it since he never even had the bonds at home, but he accused her of being skeptical. Indeed, it didn't take long Gwen to fall for Iris and Adam's trick and reluctantly blame her husband for ruining her beloved music career.

Casey was itching to confess his crime to Will, but "tough love" Adam smoothly argued that to do so would cause more trouble, especially for heart patient Tom. "Let me take care of it," drawled Adam, who learned from Iris later that the job was done. "Don't make like you're better than me; you're not," she told him. Meanwhile, Casey went home and learned the news about Daniel from Tom. Father and son had a nice chat, which only made Casey feel more guilty. Adam headed over to Gwen and Will cottage, listened to their fight at the door and resisted twirling an imaginary moustache.

Monday, January 29, 2007
Brad (who doesn't seem to have packed any shirts for his return to Oakdale) song-and-danced Jack about getting "laid off" from the factory in North Carolina. But Jack had already checked up on him, so Brad was forced to admit that his firing was less about economics and more about a problem with his boss acting ... like a boss. In any case, he called getting laid off "a gift." Jack urged his brother to get his act together and figure out how he would contribute to the family, be responsible and start helping out around the farm. Brad breezily assured him that he would do all of those things and get a job (granted, one without a boss or the requirement to wear a suit), all the while annoyingly chomping on an apple. After Jack took off, Vienna came downstairs wearing a lumberjack getup with sparkles, full makeup and a jaunty ski cap. Brad hit on her as she began her list of quaint farm chores, which included ineffectively clearing the table. He helped her out with some fairly impressive busboy skills, then gave her a wood-chopping lesson. (That's not a euphemism, though he did use the time to get a little physically closer to her.) After chasing a chicken around (also not a euphemism), they ended up in a compromising position on the floor, as Jack came home.

Maddie's innocent worries about the effect of the robbery on the psyches of poor Lisa and Will compounded Casey's guilt so much that he snapped at her when she went back to wondering whether Jade was responsible. She patiently decided to leave him alone in his agitated state, and when she left Elwood showed up. Casey gave him the bonds and vowed to get his life back on track, now that he's got his debts paid. Elwood advised him to "chillax."

Gwen fretted to Will that she doesn't know if she'll ever get her demo off the ground without Adam's help, and then they discussed Gwen going back to college and getting a regular job, rather than counting on her singing career. "I can't make the demo work." Meanwhile, Iris and Adam — who has totally turned to the dark side — flirtatiously plotted to get Gwen and Will out of the cottage so that Iris could plant one of the stolen bonds, thus making Gwen think that Will robbed himself — all of this so that Iris could cash in on her daughter's apparently guaranteed superstardom. Adam lured Gwen and Will to Java so that he could slickly tell them that he's going back to L.A. because they can't finish the demo. When Will went to get Gwen a drink, Adam leaned forward and warmly encouraged her to "do this, with or without me." He then stalled Will (so that Gwen would be the first to go home and find the bond) by "apologizing" to both him and Casey, who showed up just then. "Messing up is the story of my life," shrugged Will good-naturedly, but Casey interrupted that it's all his fault. Adam quickly noted that they're all partially responsible; Will wouldn't blame anyone but himself for the alarm being off. Will then said good-bye to Adam, leaving Casey to blurt to his brother that he has to confess to his other brother.

Meanwhile, Iris showed her misguided support by planting the bond and proudly admiring photos of her daughter looking pretty on stage before declaring to herself that she would help her Gwennie hook up with the "right brother." She must have been so busy fantasizing about Gwen's first TRL appearance that she was still there when her daughter came home. She quickly hid as Gwen opened the door.

Emily had just gotten done telling Dusty that she has to focus on her son, not work, when Tom (who's recovered quite well) announced to Em that he and Margo decided to let Daniel go to boarding school. Apparently, the kid's been itching to do so for a year, ever since his friend Ricky got in. Besides, it would help Danny to not hear constant rumors about his nutty mother. Emily commenced panicking, of course, but Tom had made up his mind: he firmly told her that their son needs the stability of a safe, normal childhood in an "if you love him, let him go" kind of way. She cried on Dusty's shoulder later, but he told her to "stop whining and do what Tom wants you to do," because it's understandable that Daniel would want to go away and she's got to be tough. Besides, he noted, it's not her kid's job to make her happy or give meaning to her life — she has to get her career back on track and show her son that she's a winner. With his self-esteem boosting session over, he cheered her up with the news about Lucinda agreeing to purchase The Intruder.

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