Disney/Christine Bartolucci
What’s the line between soapy and sappy? We know it when we see it.
If you were playing the drinking game to the word “journey” on a recent Y&R episode, you’re still on the floor. That word defines sappy in my book.
Victoria: “We’re going to be right there by your side as you take these next steps on your journey. This is a journey to finding your real self and being whole again.”
Claire: “A journey. A whole new path.”
Claire kidnapped and drugged Nikki, tried to kill the Newmans, spent two months in a minimum facility loony bin and was released to the care of her newfound parents. That’s not a journey, it’s a crime spree — and Claire should have been arrested and tried for it.
Fun fact: Mariah talked to Kyle about his “journey” in the same episode. Their dialogue thankfully veered into soapy when Mariah gave him much-needed tough love about his behavior at Jabot.
Kyle: “I don’t want to steal my mom’s position, but things aren’t great right now.”
Mariah: “Have you thought about your part in that? You have to examine your choices.”
She reminded him of his breakup with Summer, sleeping with Audra, the fireworks at Marchetti — all of which explain why Diane got promoted over him. What we really need there is anger from Kyle that Diane faked her death and wasn’t around for most of his childhood. Where’s the resentment that his mother just waltzed back into his life having missed every school play, math quiz, prom? That would be much more soapy than “Boo-hoo, my mom got my job.”
A story can be soapy and still preposterous, like Victor telling Jordan to take him as her hostage while promising the escaped lunatic a villa in France. The whole scheme was fakakta. There was wanted fugitive Jordan in a snappy suit, full makeup and gold jewelry holding a gun she got who-knows-where on Victor as they drove to a dingy room where she actually thought Victor would be her hostage. Nick busted in, tased her, and she fell to the ground.
Victor: “Don’t you ever underestimate me!”
Advantage: Mustache.
Sappy dialogue can diminish a soapy story, like Phyllis prostrating herself all over Genoa City looking for love. I’m not a fan of strong women falling apart for no established reason. Her desperate stalking of Danny was bad enough but then Nick tried to help her and she sunk lower.
Phyllis (kissing him): “I’m lonely.”
Nick: “This is a bad idea.”
Phyllis: “We’re just two lonely people who love each other.”
Thirsty Phyllis is not fun. Come back, Octopus Girl!
B&B’s R.J. and Luna show promise, but they’re being written like a middle-aged couple in a schmaltzy movie. The following is from one episode and it’s not even all of it:
Luna: “I’m really lucky to have you.”
R.J.: “I’m the one who’s lucky to have you. You’re this beautiful, honest, perfect woman. I’ll always keep you secure and happy.”
Luna: “You’ll always take care of me?”
R.J.: “Absolutely. I want to make sure you always feel secure and loved. I love being with you. I feel like I can be myself around you.”
(Himself? Who is that, Ryan Gosling in The Notebook? Sorry, back to the action.)
Luna: “You’re so kind and sweet and caring. I’ve never met someone more honest and loyal.”
R.J.: “I’ve never met anyone more honest and loyal than you.”
Luna: “I never thought I’d meet someone like you, so warm and genuine. Never doubt how much I love you.”
People don’t talk like that, and young people certainly don’t. R.J. and Luna are in a properly soapy story (she slept with his cousin Zende by mistake) so give them dialogue worthy of the coming tsunami — like this request from Eric for Zende to take Luna under his wing (!) at Forrester Creations.
Eric: “You can teach Luna things that R.J. never could. Find out what excites her, what really turns her on.”
That’s funny and cringe-y and oh so soapy. Give some of that naughty energy to the kids!
When does soapy become sappy? When three characters flatline in the same episode. Paulina seeing Lexie’s ghost as she slipped away in the hospital would have been a classic soap moment for her and Abe if Tripp and Wendy weren’t also dying in the same show.
Paulina (as a bright light shined on her): “It’s Lexie, your first wife.”
Amnesiac Abe: “She died, right?”
Paulina: “Brain cancer. You have a son together, Theo.”
Lexie’s Ghost: “Remember when I last saw you? It was in heaven.”
Abe: “This woman is my wife now. I remember our wedding! It was Juneteenth. That’s the day we became husband and wife. We have so much life to live. Paulina? Are you with me?”
BUZZZZZZZZZZZ went the machine; she’s dead. No doctors came running, so Abe appealed to Lexie’s ghost to save her.
Lexie’s Ghost: “Close your eyes. Look deep into your heart. Feel the love inside it. Now take that feeling of love and transfer it to her.”
Abe: “How?”
Lexie: “Believe. You have to believe what’s in your heart.”
More Notebook-worthy stuff. Finally a day player nurse came strolling in and touched Paulina’s neck. She was breathing.
Abe: “I believe!”
A woman on her deathbed, amnesia, and a ghost — how many soap tropes can you fit in one episode? Add prodigal children (Lani and Eli!) and a miracle cure.
Sarah: “You may be discharged tomorrow.”
Paulina died yesterday and she’s going home tomorrow?
Across town, Wendy and Tripp were also dying while locked in an airless beer tank so they decided to marry themselves.
Wendy (slipping away): “For better for worse, for richer for poorer … ”
Tripp (slipping away): “We’ll have two kids, a boy and a girl. The Lord is my shepherd … ”
The story veered from eyerolling to rolling when Patch saved the day by watching their hostage video and noticing that Wendy was signing B-E-E-R, a great callback to when Kayla was deaf and Patch learned American Sign Language to communicate with her.
Patch: “Look at Wendy making these gestures. I’m checking the ASL site. I got it! That’s ASL for beer.”
John: “Look at the background, some kind of a tank.”
Patch: “A brew tank!”
They busted in and found the kids dead on the floor so Patch and John did CPR while Ava called 911 and screamed “What’s happening?” which was soapy but not helpful.
The next day, Chanel and Johnny checked in on them at the hospital and whaddya know? Wendy and Tripp had a miraculous recovery just like Paulina.
Wendy: “This most recent caper was one for the ages!”
Yesterday you were dead and today it’s a “caper”? Death is not a plot point. The way to keep stories like that on the soapy side is to play the fallout.
You want soapy and sappy? Jason’s return to GH had it all.
Carly (entering her dark house and seeing his silhouette): “Jason?”
Jason: “It’s me.”
Carly: “You came back!”
Jason: “I’m sorry it took so long.”
Carly: “Were you shot?”
Jason: “Yeah. It’s not that bad.”
Carly: “You always say that.”
Aaaaand they’re back. Carly barely had time to dress his wound when the cops showed up and Jason skedaddled. Enter Drew — who GH repeatedly has to remind us is Jason’s retconned twin brother — to show how far he’s fallen with his selfish take on Jason’s return.
Drew: “All you have is how you feel for him and that’s enough for you. It’s the two of you, Jason and Carly. You come first with each other and you always will.”
Is he new here? GH tried so hard to make fetch happen with Carly and Drew, giving them an expensive beach remote and taking gobs of promo shots of them together, and it was all undone in one conversation.
Carly: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Drew: “The second you found out Jason was alive we were done. I am not going to compete.”
That tells me it wasn’t love. Why didn’t Carly point out to her surly ex-lover that she’s still married to his brother?
Drew: “I can’t go to work every day and see you. I’m going to find someone else to run Crimson.”
Carly: “You’re firing me?”
Drew: “Your heart wasn’t in it.”
So the Drew/Carly romance and the “Carly takes Nina’s job at Crimson!” stories were over in one scene. Tell me you have new writers without telling me you have new writers … That may be the soapiest thing of all!
Hey. It’s only my opinion.
